Yeah, my title is from a Nicki Minaj song. Sue me.
So a few months ago I was emailed a complete Kayla Itsines guide by the wonderful Miss Piggy over at zerointentions, but I never got around to it. I think I glanced at it once or twice, and then tossed the idea in favor of starving and restricting. It seemed easier at the time. Fast forward to a few days ago, when I was looking through my Instagram and stumbled across Kayla Itsines account. It was full of pictures of gorgeous women and thousands of testimonials and I found myself wishing I was just like them. And then it hit me, that I had her guide. I could be like the girls on the account. I have access to the meal plans, the exercise plans, the motivation...everything. And not only that, but as I was scrolling through Kayla's Instagram, my friend peeked over my shoulder and mentioned that she, too, had the program. One thing led to another and I now have a solid work out plan and a workout buddy to do this with me.
Can you say score?
Listen. I'm so fucking sick of everything. I've hated my body since I was eleven. This entire blog is basically me bitching about it and then sitting on my ass and then wondering why I'm still so fat. Starving and restricting don't work for me. It's pretty clear that the more I deny myself food, the bigger the impending screw up is. And yet, for some reason, I keep going back to it all because I lose a few pounds within the first few days. I've tried Recovery, and I can't seem to ever stick with it. Why? Because I want the weight loss, not the ability to say I overcame something that it never looked like I had in the first place. I understand EDs are within a person's mind and go so much deeper than what people can see on the surface of our bodies, and yet, somehow, that applies to everyone else, not me. I can look at any one of the people I follow on here and my heart hurts for them because they are struggling, even if their bodies don't show it. But when it comes to myself? No. I cannot be sick unless I am underweight.
Ay yi yi.
This way of thinking is so incredibly tiring and I know the wonderful people who follow me are sick of my wavering, because I'm sick of it too.
Eve got me to thinking about the way my mind works and the way I've been approaching "healthy" and here's what figured out:
I don't think I want to lose weight. (Sidenote: of course I want to lose weight, that's been the driving force of my entire life for seven or more years. But it's not the most important thing.)
What I really want is to not jiggle. To not have to suck in every second of every day. To not have to hide my arm fat, or my thighs or anything else in super baggy clothes. I want to wear cute things. I want to be...dare I say it? Fit.
And here's my confession. I worked out last night, as per Kayla's plan. And I took my measurements, my pictures and my weight. And when I woke up today, I snuck onto the scale, and saw that I had lost two pounds. But instead of being upset that I hadn't lost more, or immediately calculating how much I could lose, or setting goals for myself, I took a deep breath and I told myself I was excited that I was taking this first step towards being truly and honestly happy with my body.
Let's see how long this good mood lasts, okay?
I hope y'all are doing well.
<3 Lee
Go good mood! Healthy fit, and no bloody jiggling, I'll drink (a protein shake) to that!
ReplyDeleteI managed my first pole walk in about half a year today; good mood, yes.
i'm replying to the comment first, then reading this post.
ReplyDelete"I hope you're doing well, dear.
<3 Lee"
i hope you are. but i guess i'll figure it out soon.
i had one of the worst depressive days yesterday. it has persisted onto this morning. i am hoping that chocolate chip cookies make me feel better.
-Sam Lupin
i've seen the Instagram. my heart just about hammered into my chest. they are so sexy, and i want to do them all.
ReplyDelete"One thing led to another and I now have a solid work out plan and a workout buddy to do this with me." i just hope that the competitive part of your ED does not get to you. remember to rest when your body tells you to and run when your body tells you it can. <3
"This entire blog is basically me bitching about it and then sitting on my ass and then wondering why I'm still so fat" i had to snort a little bit. as mean as that was. darling, you are small. and you aren't eating much in my opinion. you are a tiny thing in my eyes.
that's the thing about this ED. everyone else is worthy of recovery except yourself. the only reason i started recovering was because someone else wanted me to. not because i wanted to. i made someone else happy by recovery. it is so easy to get me to recover, and even, i don't have those resources (yes, i will bitch about this right now).
we are not sick of anything from you. that is all.
i want to not jiggle. i want to have no ass too. or boobs. i wouldn't mind being built completely out of muscle. i would prefer it, but considering that i am a lazy ass cardio junkie (i know those two conflict each other - i call myself lazy because i haven't been to a gym in a WEEK. this week is way too busy).
i'm an exercise addict. i'm on the bulimic spectrum. i bloody suck. 1-2hrs of exercise for 2-3 times a week for the past year (with a week or two break, or a week of excessive exercise) and i'm still fat. sad. maybe i should lift weights, but i don't consume enough protein for that, bruh.
i hope this good mood lasts too. you can do this. <3
-Sam Lupin
I'm starting to get curious about this program. I might have to have a looksie into it. Healthy eating, exercise, focusing on fitness vs the scales, all good things.
ReplyDeleteI hope this positivity lasts, and good luck with the program.
xxxx
good vibrations? I give that a solid two thumbs up. fit is a good goal. :) do your best, girl xx
ReplyDeleteOhh good luck with the programme! It seems like a lot of people are starting it recently so maybe it really works. Wish you motivation to go through it.
ReplyDeleteYeah, lots of people are trying that weightloss programme recently... I also read Fat Piggy's latest blog posts regarding it :D I wish you good luck!!!!! Tell us how it goes :D Maybe we'll try it out C:
ReplyDeleteHonestly I can relate to this post so freakin' much
ReplyDeleteIt's like you spent a day in my head!
I also have abandoned the merry-go-round of the restrict/binge cycle
I just want to be ok in my skin
Not skeletal
Not emaciated
Just ok to be me
I know you get that
Also wanted to thank you for your comments on my blog
They always brighten my day
Take care sweet one x
I jiggle. :) check out these bingo wings (shaking my triceps) I got a booty and I absolutely love it. I could stand to be more solid in my legs but that takes time. I think if you really get in to fitness you'll love it. It's a journey and the thing about it is that you can be satisfied with yourself and your progress but you can also have the amount of dissatisfaction, a healthy type, that keeps you moving forward. It transforms into a pride in your process and your gains than self hatred. It's refreshing and I thin it would be awesome to see you get into that. :)
ReplyDeletecomment reply:
ReplyDelete"Take care of yourself, my dear Sam."
and you, yourself, darling, alright? <3
-Sam Lupin