Chavez

Today a man came into my Psychology class and gave us an inspirational speech.

I've heard inspirational speeches thousands of times. I went through this period last year where those were all I would listen to. But I've never internalized any of them. Until now.

He told us all about his life, about being raised as a Mexican Jew and all the shit he took for that. About his dad dying when he was two months old. About being molested, and picked on, and beaten day after day. About how he looked at the gang-bangers in his family and wanted to be them. About being arrested, doing drugs, cheating on his first wife, being kicked out of two colleges and then dropping out of two colleges. And he just kept repeating "I am so grateful for these things that happened to me." And I cried.

Just one tear.

I was raped in the seventh grade by a girl. Not only did I experience the shame of the rape, but also the shame of the homosexual implications. I am not gay, and although I am a full supporter of the LGBTQ community, it took me until Junior year to stop being suspicious and wary of lesbians because of that experience.

This man, he looked right at me and said "When you are angry, when you refuse to forgive someone for something they have done, that's you handcuffing yourself to that person and letting them tag along with you for the rest of your life. You have to overcome the bitterness."

But what if I can't??

He told us this story about these two brothers who were raised by an abusive father. The father was an alcoholic and drug addict, basically stereotypical dead beat dad. And one of his kids turned out just like him. And the other was a straight-A, happy, healthy man. They were interviewed on the same day, at the same time, in two seperate rooms and they were both asked "Why do you think you turned out like this?" And they both answered "With a father like mine, what did you expect?"

I think that's so powerful.

He said "everyday, you are one step closer to becoming one of those men. Who are you going to be?" And right now? Right now I'm going to be the first man. I am so angry all the time. I don't take my pills because they don't let me feel anything and sometimes, I get this deep ache in the bottom of my stomach and I just miss being angry. Which is fucked up. I get that. I know. But I can't let it go. Sometimes I can't even think about anything but all this anger that's inside of me so I just start drinking, and then I turn into an angry drunk and then I always get this earth shattering revelation that I am just like my father and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm angry at my rapist, I'm angry at the detective who told me "People in the LGBTQ community aren't capable of rape." I'm angry at my father for telling me he loved me for the first time in 15 years because he felt guilty about my silence. I'm angry at my mom for letting me be raised in the type of household that I grew up in. I'm angry at my friends for never asking if I'm okay. I'm angry at this guy, who I've never even fucking heard of before today coming in and turning my entire world upside fucking down.

And I'm scared.

I'm scared that the minute I have to live alone, I'll off myself.

I want my seven children. I want my beautiful wedding and my college degree, and my own house and a car that I bought by myself and a steady, amazing job, but I can't see passed all this anger inside of me. I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to unhand-cuff myself.

<3Lee

P.S. I really want to thank Bella, Christie and Depressed Skinny Mess for your kind words. Thank you. You brightened my day <3

Back?

As y'all have probably guessed, I'm a very sporadic person. I've never been able to stick with one thing for very long, so just love me through the long stretches between my posts.

Let's see. What's been happening...

My BMI is 22.1 which is so embarrassing. Most days I don't even wanna get out of bed.

My "best friend" told me that she knowingly lied to get my rape case dismissed and that I deserved what that girl did to me.

My sister's ex-boyfriend's family told her abusive ex-husband where she lives, and since he's been looking for her since he got out of jail, her life is basically in danger.

I have a new guy in my life and he's wonderful but I don't think he'll stay. I keep telling myself that it's my senior year, I don't want a boyfriend that I'll just have to leave in a few months anyway, but sometimes when we're talking, I imagine what our relationship could be like. This kid has no idea how fucked up I am, but he's so...good, and I don't wanna taint that with my imperfections.

I'm so stressed out and angry inside. I thought I had accepted what happened to me, and the results that came out of it. But hearing my ex-best friend tell me that she knowingly lied to the detective to get my case dismissed was so fucking heart breaking and all the pain from the last few years is washing over me again.

My mother is so fucking livid. She considered her a daughter, and this is a betrayal to both of us.

Last Friday was the one year anniversary of my mom and I's moving out. Time flies. This year has definitely not been easy for either of us, but we got through it.

I'm not sure what else to say...

On the bright side, I've been accepted into three of the five colleges I applied to so far....so that's nice!

I hope y'all are doing good!
<3 Lee