Everybody always talks about life. Everywhere I go I always manage to see something someone has written about it, or overhear a conversation or see the gratitude written all over a strangers face when they narrowly miss death or injury. Life is kind of a funny thing, isn't it?
Maybe it's just me, but even though about 40% of my friends are depressed, I can't seem to escape from people who are so grateful to be alive. It's almost sickening, really. Because when they talk about how happy they are, I just want to smack them. Maybe it's the exasperation of hearing it so many times, maybe it's the superior sound in their tone, but it's more likely that I am jealous.
See, I have this feeling that that will never be me.
A very smart, very brave woman said "I was suicidal. If you've ever been depressed, you're eyes stopped at 'was' and not suicidal." And as I was reading that all I could think about was that holy shit, yes, yes, that describes it perfectly because those two sentences, my god they say more than a novel ever could.
It's like there are two groups; us and them. There are differences between the two groups and it's something you could only hope to understand if you've been there yourself. We can never be them, although at any moment, they could start becoming us.
I wish so badly that I could be one of those people. The ones that
have the ability to say "was" when they are talking about their
depression, their self harm, their suicidal thoughts and actions. But
the hard fact of the matter is that I'm not. I don't have the kind of
patience to "wait for things to get better". I do not have the
perseverance, the drive, the ambition, the willpower, the hope.
I've had just about a million people who have said to me that they know what it is like to be this sad all the time. But they can't, they don't. I want to believe that I am the only person out there who has ever felt this way, because when I start to think about how un-alone I really am, I get scared. And I know that this is backwards, that the thought of acceptance and empathy should empower me, should give me some kind of hope, but it doesn't. It makes me sad that so many suffer and it makes me terrified that maybe that suffering could let someone understand me. I don't want to be understood. I do not want people to tell me their stories about what they've gone through because it will only reinforce what I know: I do not deserve this illness.
I am a middle-class, young, healthy white girl. I come from a family who never fully grasped the concept of love, but that's really nothing new in today's society. I come from a place that the other white kids call "the ghetto" but the black kids call "a good home." Our streets do not see deaths. Our children do not grow up with bars on the windows and a gun under their pillow. Everything that happens, happens behind closed doors. The neighbors will pretend not to hear your screams and when the cops come for the third time that week, they will draw their curtains closed and respectfully peek out from the cracks. I do not deserve depression.
Everyone will tell you that depression is an equal opportunity disease- that it can strike anyone, anywhere, anytime. And their right, of course, but for some reason I cannot shake the idea that some deserve this title more than others. Or, to be more specific, everyone deserves the illness more than me.
I've been told that I'm much to hard on myself, but the only response I have to that is something that I am not allowed to say in public or private. We can talk about gay marriage now. Abortion has become appropriate
lunch time conversation. Poverty is gaining ground and mental illness is not such a silent topic. But saying that you want to die, that you honestly will not live past 25, that's taboo. People don't know how to react to that, and the worst part is, you aren't saying it for shock value. You're saying it because it's true, because you want these people to understand that you won't be around for much longer, so you have to be hard on yourself now. You have to be the best you can be right now so that when your funeral comes along, it won't be empty and your momma will be able to remember all the good you did.
And school always seemed so important, but it's occurring to me now that I will spend more time writing this blog entry tonight than I will on any one of the six essays I have to do and I cannot make myself care.
Being the best I could be in school was always my priority. I had to do well in high school so that I could get into a good college so that I could get a good job so I could send my kids to good schools and good colleges so they could have good jobs and so on and so forth but I'm realizing that none of that actually has to happen to me and it's a relief. I do not have to come home and cry about my homework and cry about how I cannot make myself do it because I am too busy planning my death because I will not go to college, and if I do, it will not be for very long so it no longer matters whether it is a 'good' college or not. I will not have children. I do not have to prepare for their futures, or mine, because it simply isn't a problem anymore.
Today I joked about jumping from my balcony. The boy I was talking to told me to "stop being depressing" and all I could think of was "okay, soon, yeah" and then I wanted to laugh. I wanted to laugh because I was happy. Thinking about being so free- no more worries, no more tears, rest your head and go to sleep-well goddamn. That's better.
All my life I have been planning for the future and making decisions based on those plans. But when do I get to enjoy life? When I've already graduated from college and wasted the so called 'best years'. Maybe it's when I'm married, except by then I'll have to start planning my children's futures. Maybe after my children are grown, but I'll be too weak, too old, too cynical to enjoy much of anything. I can't do this. I have to start living so that I can die.
I used to think that I could just get through anything by waiting it out, by finding things to get me through it. But I'm starting to realize that I cannot write the way I used to. I've lost the beauty. I cannot read the way I used to. I've lost the comprehension. I cannot make friends the way I used to. I've lost the ability to connect.
I can't pick up the phone and text someone back most days, much less text them first. I can't focus on anything that makes me happy. My laughter sounds hollow, even to me and my smile hurts my entire face. I just don't even have the energy to fake happiness anymore. I can't do it.
-Lee
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
Little victories (RANT)
Can I just rant real quick about how hard it is to find pants that ACTUALLY fit me?
Okay. So I'm about 5'4'', right? (5'3'' and 3/4 to be exact, I'm pretty damn proud of my 3/4 inch baby (; ) For as long as I remember, my family has always shopped at Khol's.
(Quick side note. I fucking hate Khol's. Khol's is equivalent to Satan. Shopping there for pants or shorts makes me want to die three times more than usual simply because in that store ONLY do I wear sizes 5-9. Seriously. Size 3 is my actual size in every other store. Not sure what's up with that...anyway...)
So yeah, my family has always shopped at Khol's because we aren't upscale, and we don't have a TON of money. So, until recently, I had never bought pants from anywhere else. Since I am 5'4'', all the pants I have ever owned are about 4-6 inches longer than I am. So that leaves me with one question:
WHY. Seriously. WHY. I CANNOT be the ONLY chica who is 5'4'' and looking for pants. REALLY?! Really?! I own TWO pairs of pants that I can't step on. TWO. And one was bought today (at the wonderful Rue 21, for your information, which is THE best store in the entire world.) I just...You know, is this what I have to do? Do I have to spend HOURS looking for pants that actually fit me?? Why can't they just stock them in regular places? More importantly, WHY CAN'T KHOL'S FIX THEIR SIZES AND ALSO THEIR PANT LENGTHS?!
It just frustrates me because I'm extremely neurotic and I don't like going into typical teenage stores to buy my jeans because I feel like everyone is wondering why the fat girl is shopping in their store. So Khol's is pretty safe for me. Despite how suicidal that enterprise makes me, Khol's is nice. Khol's is familiar. But Khol's do not have my sizes nor my lengths.
So my options are to wear my pants as SOCKS AS WELL AS JEANS or to spend my entire day looking for (and having anxiety attacks over) places that sell SHORT PANTS.
asdfghjkdflvfoflgkvodflzgkodlkfl That upsets me. :(
Also, as a side note, I think Khol's clothes are VERY cute. I just cannot stand purchasing pants. Siiiiigh.
But I suppose that I should focus on the fact that I am now the PROUD owner of size 3s that end at my feet! (Okay, so maybe I'm not really proud of the fact that they are a size 3... but considering that up until then I thought I wore 5-9s... (FUCKING KHOL'S) I think maybe I have a lot to be happy about today...) All my time paid off today I suppose (:
Love you :D
-Lee
Okay. So I'm about 5'4'', right? (5'3'' and 3/4 to be exact, I'm pretty damn proud of my 3/4 inch baby (; ) For as long as I remember, my family has always shopped at Khol's.
(Quick side note. I fucking hate Khol's. Khol's is equivalent to Satan. Shopping there for pants or shorts makes me want to die three times more than usual simply because in that store ONLY do I wear sizes 5-9. Seriously. Size 3 is my actual size in every other store. Not sure what's up with that...anyway...)
So yeah, my family has always shopped at Khol's because we aren't upscale, and we don't have a TON of money. So, until recently, I had never bought pants from anywhere else. Since I am 5'4'', all the pants I have ever owned are about 4-6 inches longer than I am. So that leaves me with one question:
WHY. Seriously. WHY. I CANNOT be the ONLY chica who is 5'4'' and looking for pants. REALLY?! Really?! I own TWO pairs of pants that I can't step on. TWO. And one was bought today (at the wonderful Rue 21, for your information, which is THE best store in the entire world.) I just...You know, is this what I have to do? Do I have to spend HOURS looking for pants that actually fit me?? Why can't they just stock them in regular places? More importantly, WHY CAN'T KHOL'S FIX THEIR SIZES AND ALSO THEIR PANT LENGTHS?!
It just frustrates me because I'm extremely neurotic and I don't like going into typical teenage stores to buy my jeans because I feel like everyone is wondering why the fat girl is shopping in their store. So Khol's is pretty safe for me. Despite how suicidal that enterprise makes me, Khol's is nice. Khol's is familiar. But Khol's do not have my sizes nor my lengths.
So my options are to wear my pants as SOCKS AS WELL AS JEANS or to spend my entire day looking for (and having anxiety attacks over) places that sell SHORT PANTS.
asdfghjkdflvfoflgkvodflzgkodlkfl That upsets me. :(
Also, as a side note, I think Khol's clothes are VERY cute. I just cannot stand purchasing pants. Siiiiigh.
But I suppose that I should focus on the fact that I am now the PROUD owner of size 3s that end at my feet! (Okay, so maybe I'm not really proud of the fact that they are a size 3... but considering that up until then I thought I wore 5-9s... (FUCKING KHOL'S) I think maybe I have a lot to be happy about today...) All my time paid off today I suppose (:
Love you :D
-Lee
Here's to anyone who never quit when things got hard.
I don't really know what's been going on with me lately. It's like...I'm withdrawing against my will. I LOVE my friends. Really, I do. It's just that recently, whenever they text me, there comes a point that I just...cannot text back. I can't. I don't really know how to explain it. Things are just becoming too overwhelming I guess. Even thinking about school is enough to send me into a tailspin. I'm just losing my grip on everything in my life and I can't get it back.
I kind of really fucking miss my ex best friend. I dunno.
I'm tripping, I guess.
I just need to take a deep breath and get my head back into the game.
Love you
-Lee
I kind of really fucking miss my ex best friend. I dunno.
I'm tripping, I guess.
I just need to take a deep breath and get my head back into the game.
Love you
-Lee
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Just keep swimming...
It's been kind of a tough week...My mom and I flew down to visit my grandparents on Monday morning and we're here until Saturday.
My grandparents are definitely the type who show their love through food which has been making me freak out endlessly. Plus they have the scale from hell that likes to tell me that I'm actually five pounds heavier than I really am. Seriously, the first time I stepped on, I almost had a heart attack. I thought I was going to die. In the end, I took a deep breath and went on with my day, secretly hating myself. And then I stepped on the scale that night and saw that magically, I had lost six pounds during the day. Um. No. So every morning, I just remind myself that THAT IS NOT ACCURATE.
Despite my best efforts, I've been maintaining here. It's a miracle I've even been able to do that, because the minute I stop chewing my food, my grandparents get all over me.
Gma: "Want some apples?"
Gpa: "We have cookies"
Gma: "There's pie"
Gpa: "How about some noodles?"
Gma: "I can make you crackers and cheese."
Gpa: "Do pretzels sound good?"
That happens after every meal. It's kind of ridiculous, but I know they care.
They've been talking a lot about their will, which is very upsetting, because when they die...I mean, that's the last family that I LIKE. I can't imagine not coming to AZ every break...
Anyway, as soon as I get home I plan on restricting like mad and exercising like my life depends on it. I went shopping today in preparation for my skinny life (: Twenty more pounds and I'm there. I expect the first ten to come off rather quickly, but the last ten will probably be tricky. My metabolism is so tired of me starving and gaining, starving and gaining that it will probably just quit on me lol.
Sigh.
This week has been so relaxing that I almost don't want to go home...I don't know. It's been nice. I've noticed that I'm SOOO tired lately, so I picked up a few 0 cal, 0 sugar Monsters to chug and that seems to get me all the way through the day.
Anyway, I hope you're doing better than I am...
(Hi to my two followers!)
Stay strong beautifuls (:
-Lee
My grandparents are definitely the type who show their love through food which has been making me freak out endlessly. Plus they have the scale from hell that likes to tell me that I'm actually five pounds heavier than I really am. Seriously, the first time I stepped on, I almost had a heart attack. I thought I was going to die. In the end, I took a deep breath and went on with my day, secretly hating myself. And then I stepped on the scale that night and saw that magically, I had lost six pounds during the day. Um. No. So every morning, I just remind myself that THAT IS NOT ACCURATE.
Despite my best efforts, I've been maintaining here. It's a miracle I've even been able to do that, because the minute I stop chewing my food, my grandparents get all over me.
Gma: "Want some apples?"
Gpa: "We have cookies"
Gma: "There's pie"
Gpa: "How about some noodles?"
Gma: "I can make you crackers and cheese."
Gpa: "Do pretzels sound good?"
That happens after every meal. It's kind of ridiculous, but I know they care.
They've been talking a lot about their will, which is very upsetting, because when they die...I mean, that's the last family that I LIKE. I can't imagine not coming to AZ every break...
Anyway, as soon as I get home I plan on restricting like mad and exercising like my life depends on it. I went shopping today in preparation for my skinny life (: Twenty more pounds and I'm there. I expect the first ten to come off rather quickly, but the last ten will probably be tricky. My metabolism is so tired of me starving and gaining, starving and gaining that it will probably just quit on me lol.
Sigh.
This week has been so relaxing that I almost don't want to go home...I don't know. It's been nice. I've noticed that I'm SOOO tired lately, so I picked up a few 0 cal, 0 sugar Monsters to chug and that seems to get me all the way through the day.
Anyway, I hope you're doing better than I am...
(Hi to my two followers!)
Stay strong beautifuls (:
-Lee
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Bad Friend
I feel like a failure.
I'm a failure as a person and I'm a failure as a friend.
I had no idea things were getting that bad with McNugget. I did my best and spoke from the heart and his gf was extremely grateful. She said it helped a lot. I'm still really worried though. How could I not have seen this before?!? I'm a horrible person.
And then of course I went and picked a fight with MT. Over nothing. I'm such a fucking failure.
But I'm going to be better.
I'm going to be the best girl in the world.
I will.
I'm a failure as a person and I'm a failure as a friend.
I had no idea things were getting that bad with McNugget. I did my best and spoke from the heart and his gf was extremely grateful. She said it helped a lot. I'm still really worried though. How could I not have seen this before?!? I'm a horrible person.
And then of course I went and picked a fight with MT. Over nothing. I'm such a fucking failure.
But I'm going to be better.
I'm going to be the best girl in the world.
I will.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Ouchy
So I finally got motivated to get my ass down to the gym and start running again.
First of all, lemme tell you. All that time I took off from running? Yeah it fucking KILLED my times. I'm running a freaking 11 minute mile right now. Wut. Ugh.
And so I'm running and right when my slow ass hits the mile my hip pops. I'm not talking about like, when your knuckles pop, or when you stretch and your arms pop. Nope, that shit fucking POPPED and then started burning. Okay. Can you say OUCH?!
So yeah. I'm icing it now and we'll see how it feels tomorrow. I might just run on it anyway. Ugh.
Today was a good day. I watched half of that movie "Bully" in my DECA class and wow. Just wow. That movie had me crying from the first minute all the way to when my teacher turned it off for the day. Kids can be so cruel.
Alright, I might post something longer later but right now I gotta get my butt up and start my homework.
Much love
Lee
First of all, lemme tell you. All that time I took off from running? Yeah it fucking KILLED my times. I'm running a freaking 11 minute mile right now. Wut. Ugh.
And so I'm running and right when my slow ass hits the mile my hip pops. I'm not talking about like, when your knuckles pop, or when you stretch and your arms pop. Nope, that shit fucking POPPED and then started burning. Okay. Can you say OUCH?!
So yeah. I'm icing it now and we'll see how it feels tomorrow. I might just run on it anyway. Ugh.
Today was a good day. I watched half of that movie "Bully" in my DECA class and wow. Just wow. That movie had me crying from the first minute all the way to when my teacher turned it off for the day. Kids can be so cruel.
Alright, I might post something longer later but right now I gotta get my butt up and start my homework.
Much love
Lee
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
God it's been awhile
Okay, so yeah. It's been almost an entire month since I last posted on here and I'll be honest, in that month I only lost four pounds. I was so fucking stressed that I was literally on the edge of my sanity. And then came Friday night. Friday night I first find out that one of my best friends was in a car accident. The driver smashed right into her seat and she has a terrible concussion. She's absolutely fine- or so she says. That girl would say she was fine even if she was missing all her limbs. Geez. That kind of reminded me how short life can be and how easily the people we love can be taken from us...And as I was thinking about these things, my dad swings by my mom and I's new house and steals our car. Awesome. So not only does he now know where we live, but we only have one car. My father is the type to show up at our house randomly, so there's that to worry about constantly. Add that on top of my school work and my already occurring anxiety attacks and I'm just a big huge ball of sanity!
Ha ha.
Ha.
Haaa...
Just kidding, I'm fucking about to break. But if nothing else, it's been a kick in the ass. I WANT skinny more than I want to breathe. I really do. December is still my goal for 100 pounds. Tomorrow I begin my super strict exercise/fasting/restricting regime and hopefully by the end of this week I'll be seeing some weight budge.
And my other best friend is coming to live with me soon, hopefully! Well, I mean, I do hope her mom can find a place to live really soon, but it's been so long since I've seen this girl, plus she's super skinny and lord knows my fat ass needs the motivation.
By the time I'm 17 (about two and a half weeks) I wanna see the lower teens. Seriously.
Love you.
Lee
Ha ha.
Ha.
Haaa...
Just kidding, I'm fucking about to break. But if nothing else, it's been a kick in the ass. I WANT skinny more than I want to breathe. I really do. December is still my goal for 100 pounds. Tomorrow I begin my super strict exercise/fasting/restricting regime and hopefully by the end of this week I'll be seeing some weight budge.
And my other best friend is coming to live with me soon, hopefully! Well, I mean, I do hope her mom can find a place to live really soon, but it's been so long since I've seen this girl, plus she's super skinny and lord knows my fat ass needs the motivation.
By the time I'm 17 (about two and a half weeks) I wanna see the lower teens. Seriously.
Love you.
Lee
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Still smilin'
I tried to come to a civil agreement with J last night but all he wanted to do was be a child. Whatever. I'm so done with his cult-group and everyone that is in it. I actually have friends now and I'm happy with them so I'm not gonna let it bother me. Unfortunately I did not come to this conclusion before breaking down on the phone to MT about how I shouldn't be alive. At least I still have him, because honestly, he's a rock. I stepped on the scale and saw 124 the other day. OMG WTF. Even when I binge, it never rises beyond 120. But it was exactly the kick in the ass I needed. Was sick yesterday so I didn't go to school and ate lots of veggies (: Yuuuum. I have these excellent soups that are 90 calories and I will do nothing but buy them for the rest of my life lol. I can't wait for my CMD stuff to get here!!!! Only a few more days (: (: (:
I'm gonna be okay. Really. I am.
Stay strong, hun
-Lee
I'm gonna be okay. Really. I am.
Stay strong, hun
-Lee
Monday, September 23, 2013
Hatred
I am a FAT FUCKING FAILURE.
I am NEVER GOING TO ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING I WANT IN LIFE
I am FUCKING GROSS AND UGLY.
I am sad inside. I am angry at the entire world.
I am going to take a hot shower. Longer post later?
I am NEVER GOING TO ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING I WANT IN LIFE
I am FUCKING GROSS AND UGLY.
I am sad inside. I am angry at the entire world.
I am going to take a hot shower. Longer post later?
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Stress
It's been awhile since I last updated...Things have been kind of crazy around here. My mom and I moved out in the pouring rain and my dad is not taking it very well. Neither is my body. I've been so fucking stressed recently and with stress comes...you guess it. Eating. God. I'm such a fat pig. I went to homecoming last night and grinded the night away, but as soon as I woke up this morning, I started eating and haven't really stopped. God, I'm a failure. I'm sorry. There's so much going on. I'm behind in like three classes and I barely have anyone to sit with at lunch now since my "friends" hate me, and my sister has been bugging me non stop because she's here in town for her 10th reunion and I don't want to see her. I talked to my dad the other night and all he was concerned with was where I lived. He didn't give a fuck about when he could see me again, or if I was ever coming back, he just wanted to know where we were living now. I hate him. I've been talking to MT every night for awhile now, and it just never gets better. I feel like I've lost myself. I have to go volunteer at 2, but maybe after that I'll just hide away in the gym and sweat these thoughts out. Idk. Maybe I'll go free running. Either way, I have to do something other than sit on my large ass.
Sigh.
Okay. Stay Strong.
-Lee
Sigh.
Okay. Stay Strong.
-Lee
Friday, September 13, 2013
All I'm good at
So my mom and I have officially moved into our new place. The movers were freaking slow-pokes, and it took them five and a half hours to do it. It was pouring rain here though yesterday, enough so that the National Guard was called and schools were closed down. The movers were incredibly nice and didn't even really complain so....
The weather definitely matched my mom and I's mood.
But today we woke up to sunshine! And everything seems to be falling into place. I think this house is going to be good for us. Seriously.
There is literally so much to do. The boxes of unpacked stuff seem to be multiplying, but instead of focusing on getting as much done as I can, I'm going running. Lol.
Hopefully I can burn off about 1,000 calories. Maybe more. We'll see.
We don't have internet in our new place yet (I'm writing this at a restaurant type place) but as soon as we do I will make a longer post about how well I'm doing and how my food-intake is changing.
Love y'all
-Lee
The weather definitely matched my mom and I's mood.
But today we woke up to sunshine! And everything seems to be falling into place. I think this house is going to be good for us. Seriously.
There is literally so much to do. The boxes of unpacked stuff seem to be multiplying, but instead of focusing on getting as much done as I can, I'm going running. Lol.
Hopefully I can burn off about 1,000 calories. Maybe more. We'll see.
We don't have internet in our new place yet (I'm writing this at a restaurant type place) but as soon as we do I will make a longer post about how well I'm doing and how my food-intake is changing.
Love y'all
-Lee
Monday, September 9, 2013
116
I stepped on the scale this morning and saw 116.
I would be happy but honestly I'm just afraid that I'll step on it again and it will be 135 or something.
I don't trust my weight because I don't feel like i deserve it.
I haven't starved enough, fasted enough, or exercised enough.
I should be a thousand pounds.
All my friends hate me. I just know it. They've been distant as a group. J tried last night to talk to me I guess but it just feels like there are walls between us all.
J just got snarky with me. Fuck him.
I'm tired of being like this. MT is the only one I can talk to honestly, he's the only one who gets me. How sad is that.
I binged last night because MT was crying over his breakup and I couldn't figure out how to stop him from crying so I just let him hang up the phone. He's such a good friend to me and I can't even help him out when he needs me.
I'm such a failure.
This entire fucking situation is fucked. We all used to be the best of friends but now I even find O fucking annoying. I wish I knew how to just go back to when shit was okay but I guess people just...grow apart.
I'm trying to remind myself of everything I have left.
When I'm fucking skinny, they'll miss me.
I would be happy but honestly I'm just afraid that I'll step on it again and it will be 135 or something.
I don't trust my weight because I don't feel like i deserve it.
I haven't starved enough, fasted enough, or exercised enough.
I should be a thousand pounds.
All my friends hate me. I just know it. They've been distant as a group. J tried last night to talk to me I guess but it just feels like there are walls between us all.
J just got snarky with me. Fuck him.
I'm tired of being like this. MT is the only one I can talk to honestly, he's the only one who gets me. How sad is that.
I binged last night because MT was crying over his breakup and I couldn't figure out how to stop him from crying so I just let him hang up the phone. He's such a good friend to me and I can't even help him out when he needs me.
I'm such a failure.
This entire fucking situation is fucked. We all used to be the best of friends but now I even find O fucking annoying. I wish I knew how to just go back to when shit was okay but I guess people just...grow apart.
I'm trying to remind myself of everything I have left.
When I'm fucking skinny, they'll miss me.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
If you eat what you have always eaten, you will weigh what you have always weighed
This quote has been running through my mind for days now.
Quick summary:
Monday: Went to a Rockies game with EM, her gma and her aunt. It was hella fun and we snuck off to go buy weed like, three fourths of the way through. Love that girl.
Then talked to MT until 2 in the morning. It was fabulous. I laughed almost the entire time.
Tuesday: Spent the afternoon with Lauren and Natalie, waiting for SIC to start. Laughed so freaking hard the entire time. We were dancing for the guys up on Telly and sitting in wet grass and oh my goodness, it was just fabulous.
Fabulous seems to be my new word.
Gosh, I'm just full of love these days.
Except for when it comes to my weight.
I weigh: 116.
I hate myself.
I'm going to keep a food journal on here. Then I will be held accountable for my actions.
Hope everyone is just fabulous (:
Love,
Lee
Quick summary:
Monday: Went to a Rockies game with EM, her gma and her aunt. It was hella fun and we snuck off to go buy weed like, three fourths of the way through. Love that girl.
Then talked to MT until 2 in the morning. It was fabulous. I laughed almost the entire time.
Tuesday: Spent the afternoon with Lauren and Natalie, waiting for SIC to start. Laughed so freaking hard the entire time. We were dancing for the guys up on Telly and sitting in wet grass and oh my goodness, it was just fabulous.
Fabulous seems to be my new word.
Gosh, I'm just full of love these days.
Except for when it comes to my weight.
I weigh: 116.
I hate myself.
I'm going to keep a food journal on here. Then I will be held accountable for my actions.
Hope everyone is just fabulous (:
Love,
Lee
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Change
I'm so fucking good at self-sabotage.
Anytime a boy gets close to me - Sabotage.
Anytime I start to feel happy - Sabotage.
Anytime my weight starts to go down - Sabotage.
And I'm so sick of it.
This has to change.
Today my dad called me and told me he was worried about my eating habits, so I told him if there was healthy food in the house, I would eat better (Yeah, like I'm eating...) and he said he would take me to the grocery store tomorrow and let me pick healthy food. YAY! This means rice cakes, and vegetables, fruits and tofu, almond milk and NO ICKY FATTY GROSS THINGS!! :D
I only ate a handful of nuts today and unfortunately, a slice of cake. Weekends usually suck the worst for me because during the weekends is when I have the least self-control, as I am around all the food all day. This weekend is a three day weekend which is terrible, but I'm planning on restricting/starving until Tuesday.
My ex and I have pretty much talked non stop and it's been really...nice? IDK. He was saying that him and his girlfriend decided not to talk a lot at night because otherwise they run out of things to say...which made me really really happy because I couldn't help but think of the way we were, and still are, able to talk about anything and nothing for HOURS on end. Idk, I just want him to be happy, but since we've been talking so often, he's been on my mind so much more and I'm starting to wish he was happy with...me.
But I can't think about that. I have to focus on his face when he sees tiny me and realizes what he gave up.
That means no more binge-starving. Only restricting-starving is allowed.
Can't wait to start working out!
Love you,
-Lee
Anytime a boy gets close to me - Sabotage.
Anytime I start to feel happy - Sabotage.
Anytime my weight starts to go down - Sabotage.
And I'm so sick of it.
This has to change.
Today my dad called me and told me he was worried about my eating habits, so I told him if there was healthy food in the house, I would eat better (Yeah, like I'm eating...) and he said he would take me to the grocery store tomorrow and let me pick healthy food. YAY! This means rice cakes, and vegetables, fruits and tofu, almond milk and NO ICKY FATTY GROSS THINGS!! :D
I only ate a handful of nuts today and unfortunately, a slice of cake. Weekends usually suck the worst for me because during the weekends is when I have the least self-control, as I am around all the food all day. This weekend is a three day weekend which is terrible, but I'm planning on restricting/starving until Tuesday.
My ex and I have pretty much talked non stop and it's been really...nice? IDK. He was saying that him and his girlfriend decided not to talk a lot at night because otherwise they run out of things to say...which made me really really happy because I couldn't help but think of the way we were, and still are, able to talk about anything and nothing for HOURS on end. Idk, I just want him to be happy, but since we've been talking so often, he's been on my mind so much more and I'm starting to wish he was happy with...me.
But I can't think about that. I have to focus on his face when he sees tiny me and realizes what he gave up.
That means no more binge-starving. Only restricting-starving is allowed.
Can't wait to start working out!
Love you,
-Lee
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Dickhead.
MT and I just had a huuuuuge fight. He calls because he wants to hear all about my problems, and then acts all superior and tells me to "get some sleep" FUCK. OFF.
I said some mean things, insulted his school which he hates, and then called him a dickhead and blocked him on Facebook and on my phone. I don't need his bullshit. I seriously don't. He's got this "good guy" complex where he absolutely HAS to come out looking like a good person in every situation, even if that means lying through his teeth at the last minute. FUCK. HIM.
I'm over it. Even though I sort of want to apologize, I also want him to hate himself, because he deserves it. I found this on my old blog and it's utterly perfect. I wrote it shortly after I threw him out of my life the first time, after our second breakup:
"Hey baby. That kid that you keep thinking about? He was so so bad for you. I won't even beat it around the bush, I'll just jump right into telling you the honest truth. He was a classic terrible relationship. That boy was controlling, emotionally manipulative, forceful, and borderline physically abusive.
Yeah. Stop making excuses in your head, got it? That's exactly the way he was.
He was scared to be alone. He came back to you. He might even come back again. It'll be even worse if you go back. Remember that.
You had your first cigarette today. It tasted bitter, just like you.
Remember all of those times he would push you into doing things you didn't want to? Whether it was physical stuff or not, he pushed and pushed and when you kept saying no, he'd say you didn't love him, that you wanted to, or he'd cry until you gave him his way. When you would compromise, it always had to be his way. When you were obviously, glaringly uncomfortable with something, he wouldn't notice, even though it was his JOB to notice those things and keep you safe from them. Even after he learned about what happened with her, he still pushed those things. He joked about it too, Lee. Goddamn it and you thought you loved him. How could you love that?
Remember when your leg muscles were tender and he touched them? You flinched and he asked what was wrong and when you wouldn't tell him BECAUSE IT DIDN'T MATTER, he grabbed you by the legs and squeezed them while pulling you to him. That was the first flash of fear you had. The first taste of what he could be like. Remember all those "Muay Thai" moves he'd use on you? God. Remember the little hits, the little shit he'd say to you that would just fucking eat away at you.
He. Is. Never. Going. To. Change.
He isn't even that interesting. Seriously, he's got the military, bikes and his martial arts. Yawwwwn.
Oh, but you would have stayed with him forever, wouldn't you? Because that's what he promised you. Your house and your three kids, Aspen Ann, Brooklyn Nicole and Tucker Alexander. The all night phone calls you would have. The things he helped you through. The sweet fucking lies he'd tell you.
Do you even recall what those nights were like though? Some of them ended in tears and he couldn't even tell. Some of them left you miserable, but you felt guilty for being miserable and so you ignored that emotion, making excuses for him, telling yourself YOU were the problem. Baby, that wasn't true. A boyfriend should make you happy all of the time.
Your subconscious knew you were secretly miserable and terrified and scared and insecure and it tried to tell you. You were miserable all the damn time, but the minute you talked to him everything was okay again. That wasn't because he made everything okay, it was because you weren't so desperately alone in that sea of misery THAT HE CREATED. All of those neurotic, jealous feelings you had went away completely after y'all broke up. You were okay again after y'all broke up. You only miss the attention he'd pay to you. But again, that's all just a part of his game to make you fall for him because he's afraid he'll end up alone.
He would call you names, Lee. Nutjob, freak, psycho. Yeah. You thought they were all in jest but come on. In every lie, there's a bit of truth. Lee, baby. Listen to me. He was so bad for you. Yeah, he paid attention to the little details about you. That seems sweet because he was the first one to ever do that for you but he didn't even TRY to work things out with you, he just left for another girl, AGAIN. That isn't love, sweetie. And look at you, you're so strong babygirl. You cut him out of your life, you put him in his place, you didn't give in when it counted and ohmygod that was incredible, honey! You laugh more than you used to, in my opinion. You still want to tell MT when something funny or good happens, but that urge will go away. It has to. He won't be a part of your life forever. Instead he'll just be a lesson learned.
When you do find love-like, actual love-it is going to be so beautiful. I promise. It will never make you feel the way you did with him. That's okay. That is a GOOD thing.
MT wanted sex. Sex and that is all. Not you, and everything that comes with you.
MT is the worst guy ever. There are much better guys out there.
I mean, once you've scrapped the bottom of the barrel, it's pretty hard to get lower, y'know ;)
Smile. It's such a pretty smile. And that giggle, ohmygod. It makes you, baby.
You've got a good life. It's too good to waste on some hormone-controlled player. Love lasts. Look at Mrs. C's marriage. You WILL find love like that. How could you not?"
116??
Binged today.
Weighed myself.
116.
One pound away from my FGW.
The food probably hasn't settled yet.
But I'm going to remember how that number looked.
My dad is being an ass, screaming at my mom all because she asked if I could take the car tomorrow since I have to do this thing at a middle school and it's too far to walk. He said no because I hadn't gotten a job over the summer. He said he understood about my social anxiety WTF.
And appearently hes mad that my mom is working on Sunday because he wanted us to go out of town with him. HE HAS DONE NOTHING BUT SCREAM AT HER ALL WEEK AND TELL HER HOW MUCH SHE DISGUSTS HIM.
He's such a hypocrite. I'm about to cry.
I don't know what we're going to do, he's threatening to disable our cars so I'm trying to do internet research on it, but Idk man. We have places to be tomorrow, my mom has to go into work... I have to pick up a friend for that middle school thing...
I'm seriously just prayin' that shit works out in my favor and he doesn't do that shit.
:/ Ay yi yi
-Lee
Weighed myself.
116.
One pound away from my FGW.
The food probably hasn't settled yet.
But I'm going to remember how that number looked.
My dad is being an ass, screaming at my mom all because she asked if I could take the car tomorrow since I have to do this thing at a middle school and it's too far to walk. He said no because I hadn't gotten a job over the summer. He said he understood about my social anxiety WTF.
And appearently hes mad that my mom is working on Sunday because he wanted us to go out of town with him. HE HAS DONE NOTHING BUT SCREAM AT HER ALL WEEK AND TELL HER HOW MUCH SHE DISGUSTS HIM.
He's such a hypocrite. I'm about to cry.
I don't know what we're going to do, he's threatening to disable our cars so I'm trying to do internet research on it, but Idk man. We have places to be tomorrow, my mom has to go into work... I have to pick up a friend for that middle school thing...
I'm seriously just prayin' that shit works out in my favor and he doesn't do that shit.
:/ Ay yi yi
-Lee
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
118 and a weird night...
I'm 118. Not good, but considering Losertown told me I wouldn't be that weight until September 14th, I'm pretty fucking happy!
Today all I had was a Rockstar energy drink, a peach, and a handful of nuts. The nuts were kind of unexpected but at the end, it was okay. I needed the fiber anyway...
Last night, MT called me because his gf was busy doing hw due to the fact that she started school today. We ended up talking for like, two hours, until midnight.
It started off horribly. Like. Horribly. I kept bitching at him, we would piss each other off and we were fighting. I ended up hanging up twice, I think. But towards the end it got better because we just started talking about things that mattered. Which was nice. He offered to let me stay with him if I ever felt unsafe around my dad. And then we were arguing because he kept saying he was gonna sleep on the couch while I slept in the bed, which was NOT gonna fly with me. He was super sweet towards the end and he's got this voice he uses when I cry. It's SOOOOOO comforting. And he used that last night.
So...
Yeah. It ended up alright.
I think that's all...
I love you
-Lee
UPDATE: I hung up on MT to go talk to S. Good decision. (:
Today all I had was a Rockstar energy drink, a peach, and a handful of nuts. The nuts were kind of unexpected but at the end, it was okay. I needed the fiber anyway...
Last night, MT called me because his gf was busy doing hw due to the fact that she started school today. We ended up talking for like, two hours, until midnight.
It started off horribly. Like. Horribly. I kept bitching at him, we would piss each other off and we were fighting. I ended up hanging up twice, I think. But towards the end it got better because we just started talking about things that mattered. Which was nice. He offered to let me stay with him if I ever felt unsafe around my dad. And then we were arguing because he kept saying he was gonna sleep on the couch while I slept in the bed, which was NOT gonna fly with me. He was super sweet towards the end and he's got this voice he uses when I cry. It's SOOOOOO comforting. And he used that last night.
So...
Yeah. It ended up alright.
I think that's all...
I love you
-Lee
UPDATE: I hung up on MT to go talk to S. Good decision. (:
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Whoo.
I'm back down to 120 and so blessed to have the people in my life that I do.
I'm feeling pretty damn optimistic right now.
The weeks are always better than the weekends for me in terms of food, so hopefully I can get down to 118 by the end of this week.
I really just have to take this five pounds at a time, you know? Just focus on getting down to 115. And then down to 110. And then 105 and so on. I just really do not want to wake up in December as the same old 120 pound me and realize that if I had just stayed on track I could have been 100. That's my biggest fear. It's happened so many times.
But this time WILL be different. It. WILL.
Peace, love and drugs
-Lee
I'm feeling pretty damn optimistic right now.
The weeks are always better than the weekends for me in terms of food, so hopefully I can get down to 118 by the end of this week.
I really just have to take this five pounds at a time, you know? Just focus on getting down to 115. And then down to 110. And then 105 and so on. I just really do not want to wake up in December as the same old 120 pound me and realize that if I had just stayed on track I could have been 100. That's my biggest fear. It's happened so many times.
But this time WILL be different. It. WILL.
Peace, love and drugs
-Lee
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Appreciation
Tonight, I felt like I had no one.
I freaking have so much appreciation for S and E right now.
E called me after seeing a Tumblr post and we talked/cried like babies for an entire hour.
That girl is wonderful in every single way. I'm so grateful to her.
And before she called, S had called, all worried about me, and we talked for a little while.
I love the both of them so much.
That's all.
I freaking have so much appreciation for S and E right now.
E called me after seeing a Tumblr post and we talked/cried like babies for an entire hour.
That girl is wonderful in every single way. I'm so grateful to her.
And before she called, S had called, all worried about me, and we talked for a little while.
I love the both of them so much.
That's all.
WTF
Zip lining with the dad was fun.
You know what's not fun?
Eating three meals a day.
I sincerely cannot remember the last time I have eaten three meals in a day. Seriously. But this morning, I woke up and had a breakfast-snack.
And then breakfast.
And then lunch.
And then dinner.
Plus snacks.
My stomach hurts and my pulse is racing and I'm on the verge of tears and I have nobody to talk to. I can't handle this. Something must be done. I'm. So. Fucking. Fat.
The scale said 123. I'm seriously going to lose it.
YOU FAT UGLY FAILURE. YOU FAT UGLY FAILURE. YOU FAT UGLY FAILURE.
OH MY GOD YOU PIG ARE YOU REALLY THAT FUCKING STUPID YOU WERE OUT OF THE 120'S. YOU WERE IN THE TEENS. NOW YOU'RE BIGGER THAN YOU EVER REMEMBER BEING OHMYGOD WHO DECIDED THAT YOU DESERVED FOOD. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE FOR THAT WEIGHT TO COME OFF. AT THIS RATE YOU WILL BE MORBIDLY OBESE YOU FAT FUCKING FAILURE.
And now I really am crying.
I can't even throw up right.
I'm so alone.
You know what's not fun?
Eating three meals a day.
I sincerely cannot remember the last time I have eaten three meals in a day. Seriously. But this morning, I woke up and had a breakfast-snack.
And then breakfast.
And then lunch.
And then dinner.
Plus snacks.
My stomach hurts and my pulse is racing and I'm on the verge of tears and I have nobody to talk to. I can't handle this. Something must be done. I'm. So. Fucking. Fat.
The scale said 123. I'm seriously going to lose it.
YOU FAT UGLY FAILURE. YOU FAT UGLY FAILURE. YOU FAT UGLY FAILURE.
OH MY GOD YOU PIG ARE YOU REALLY THAT FUCKING STUPID YOU WERE OUT OF THE 120'S. YOU WERE IN THE TEENS. NOW YOU'RE BIGGER THAN YOU EVER REMEMBER BEING OHMYGOD WHO DECIDED THAT YOU DESERVED FOOD. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE FOR THAT WEIGHT TO COME OFF. AT THIS RATE YOU WILL BE MORBIDLY OBESE YOU FAT FUCKING FAILURE.
And now I really am crying.
I can't even throw up right.
I'm so alone.
Friday, August 23, 2013
119
Fasting went well. Not as well as it could have, but I keep reminding myself that there is always tomorrow.
I stepped on the scale and saw 119 and I felt so relieved but I'm also hoping like hell that I don't yo-yo back up to 120. I'm making myself freaking crazy.
And I want a bagel. I'm obsessed with bread. Seriously, I can pass up the cake, the chips, the muffins, the ice cream, the chocolate, the cupcakes, whatever. But if you give me bread I will eat that shit in .02 seconds flat. And I know. Ohmygod, CARBS. But I guess we all have our vices.
I feel panicked all the time now. My old spanish teacher, who I'm assistant for now, asked me today if I liked Diet Dr. Pepper and she had barely even gotten the sentence out before I blurted "NO!". It's not even like it has calories, Lee, get a grip!
But I just find self-control so hard. And it gets easier but I really have to work for it sometimes. I've learned not to carry money on me because then otherwise I will buy food with it. But today I gave away food and that honestly almost makes me happier than eating it would have...
Life at home is still really tense. My mom is working all tomorrow so I think my dad and I are going either zip-lining, or ultralight flying. Hopefully I don't have to eat anything. I hope there's at least food where we're going though because otherwise my dad will want to stop for fast food on the way home.
On the bright side, the guy I really like friend requested me on FB!
On the not so bright side, I made a post the other day about how when my ex called, I would NOT pick up because I didn't need that bullshit blah blah blah blah blah. Literally the NEXT DAY he called and I picked up. But one of the first things he said was that he felt bad for not having talked to me in like three weeks and although it's been longer, that kinda made me forgive him instantly. He's still with his girlfriend though, which is weird because he doesn't really do long relationships. She's different I guess. Ouch.
But whatever, it doesn't matter. My life is going okay and I lost an entire pound.
I seriously need to bug my mom about buying a better scale for our new place. I'm neurotic about wanting to know my exact weight, down to three decimal spaces. But the scale we have is one of those stupid old ones with just the lines on it. I don't like it. At all. But what else am I supposed to do?
I miss running...
Stay strong loves!
-Lee
I stepped on the scale and saw 119 and I felt so relieved but I'm also hoping like hell that I don't yo-yo back up to 120. I'm making myself freaking crazy.
And I want a bagel. I'm obsessed with bread. Seriously, I can pass up the cake, the chips, the muffins, the ice cream, the chocolate, the cupcakes, whatever. But if you give me bread I will eat that shit in .02 seconds flat. And I know. Ohmygod, CARBS. But I guess we all have our vices.
I feel panicked all the time now. My old spanish teacher, who I'm assistant for now, asked me today if I liked Diet Dr. Pepper and she had barely even gotten the sentence out before I blurted "NO!". It's not even like it has calories, Lee, get a grip!
But I just find self-control so hard. And it gets easier but I really have to work for it sometimes. I've learned not to carry money on me because then otherwise I will buy food with it. But today I gave away food and that honestly almost makes me happier than eating it would have...
Life at home is still really tense. My mom is working all tomorrow so I think my dad and I are going either zip-lining, or ultralight flying. Hopefully I don't have to eat anything. I hope there's at least food where we're going though because otherwise my dad will want to stop for fast food on the way home.
On the bright side, the guy I really like friend requested me on FB!
On the not so bright side, I made a post the other day about how when my ex called, I would NOT pick up because I didn't need that bullshit blah blah blah blah blah. Literally the NEXT DAY he called and I picked up. But one of the first things he said was that he felt bad for not having talked to me in like three weeks and although it's been longer, that kinda made me forgive him instantly. He's still with his girlfriend though, which is weird because he doesn't really do long relationships. She's different I guess. Ouch.
But whatever, it doesn't matter. My life is going okay and I lost an entire pound.
I seriously need to bug my mom about buying a better scale for our new place. I'm neurotic about wanting to know my exact weight, down to three decimal spaces. But the scale we have is one of those stupid old ones with just the lines on it. I don't like it. At all. But what else am I supposed to do?
I miss running...
Stay strong loves!
-Lee
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Failure Failure Failure
I can hear my parents fighting downstairs and no matter how many times I remind myself that it is only for a little while longer I still cannot stop myself from being upset.
It's not that I'm upset that they're fighting. I could care less about my fucking parent's relationship. But I fucking hate him. He acts like a child and picks immature fights with my mom.
Now my mom and I don't always have the best relationship.
But it's better than his and mine. At least she loves me.
I binged today. But tomorrow no one will be home for hours so I'll just fast all day.
Breathe, Lee.
It's only for a little while longer.
Love y'all.
It's not that I'm upset that they're fighting. I could care less about my fucking parent's relationship. But I fucking hate him. He acts like a child and picks immature fights with my mom.
Now my mom and I don't always have the best relationship.
But it's better than his and mine. At least she loves me.
I binged today. But tomorrow no one will be home for hours so I'll just fast all day.
Breathe, Lee.
It's only for a little while longer.
Love y'all.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
MT
I've been thinking about you lately...
Sometimes I want to tell you how angry I am with you but I've resigned myself to the fact that we won't talk anymore. It is inevitable that you will call me sometime soon and expect everything to be normal even though you haven't spoken to me in almost a month.
We used to talk every day. What the hell.
This time though I am not willing to do this to myself. I will ignore your calls.
I will not unblock you.
I miss you. I think about you all the time.
But it's getting better. It is.
You treat me like shit.
That's the end of it.
I'm tired of making excuses for you.
Sometimes I want to tell you how angry I am with you but I've resigned myself to the fact that we won't talk anymore. It is inevitable that you will call me sometime soon and expect everything to be normal even though you haven't spoken to me in almost a month.
We used to talk every day. What the hell.
This time though I am not willing to do this to myself. I will ignore your calls.
I will not unblock you.
I miss you. I think about you all the time.
But it's getting better. It is.
You treat me like shit.
That's the end of it.
I'm tired of making excuses for you.
fffffff
I was doing so well today...
I'd only consumed 200 in liquid calories and had climbed stairs and lifted heavy totes for an hour.
And then I crashed.
Fuck my life.
I'm such a failure.
I don't even wanna talk about this.
Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.
I'd only consumed 200 in liquid calories and had climbed stairs and lifted heavy totes for an hour.
And then I crashed.
Fuck my life.
I'm such a failure.
I don't even wanna talk about this.
Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Back to Normal
Thank God thank god thank god thank god thank god.
I'm back at 120 pounds.
The other day it said 122 on the scale and I have NEVER (except for at my highest weight, 135) been higher than 120.
Thank god thank god thank god thank god thank god.
Now I just have to focus on getting lower. I can do this. In a month I should be seeing 110.
Thank. god.
Love y'all
Lee <3
I'm back at 120 pounds.
The other day it said 122 on the scale and I have NEVER (except for at my highest weight, 135) been higher than 120.
Thank god thank god thank god thank god thank god.
Now I just have to focus on getting lower. I can do this. In a month I should be seeing 110.
Thank. god.
Love y'all
Lee <3
Gross
I hate my thunder thighs that cover the entire chair when I sit down
I hate my huge arms that expand to twice their size when pressed against something
I hate my huge, bulgy calves that hinder my skinny jean wearing
I hate my stomach that makes rolls when I slouch and has a noticeable pooch when I'm sitting straight up
I hate the fat on my thumbs
I hate the muffin tops on my sides
I hate my ugly fat knees
I hate my round piggy face
I hate my wide shoulders
I HATE MY BODY
I AM DOING THIS FOR ME.
That means that I HAVE TO FUCKING QUIT MY IMPULSE DECISIONS.
God, I'm disgusting.
I'm off to go do my homework now, because, like the typical failure I am, I haven't done it yet.
Looks like another sleepless night for me.
Fuck.
Love y'all
Lee.
I hate my huge arms that expand to twice their size when pressed against something
I hate my huge, bulgy calves that hinder my skinny jean wearing
I hate my stomach that makes rolls when I slouch and has a noticeable pooch when I'm sitting straight up
I hate the fat on my thumbs
I hate the muffin tops on my sides
I hate my ugly fat knees
I hate my round piggy face
I hate my wide shoulders
I HATE MY BODY
I AM DOING THIS FOR ME.
That means that I HAVE TO FUCKING QUIT MY IMPULSE DECISIONS.
God, I'm disgusting.
I'm off to go do my homework now, because, like the typical failure I am, I haven't done it yet.
Looks like another sleepless night for me.
Fuck.
Love y'all
Lee.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
So I did LoserTown today and I entered in slightly incorrect information.
I like to plan for worst case scenarios, what can I say?
So I told it that I was three pounds heavier than I am, that I was aiming for exercise one to three times a week and that my calorie goal was 1,000 a day. (Ickkkk) And guess what?? It told me I could be 100 pounds by December. Holy crap!
So hopefully everything goes according to plan... I definitely am NOT eating 1,000 a day, and I will definitely exercise more than 1-3 times a week.
Everytime I think about eating something, I will just think about my real-life thinspo. (She's freaking EIGHTY-FIVE pounds ohmygod.)
That is all. Stay strong!
Love, Lee
I like to plan for worst case scenarios, what can I say?
So I told it that I was three pounds heavier than I am, that I was aiming for exercise one to three times a week and that my calorie goal was 1,000 a day. (Ickkkk) And guess what?? It told me I could be 100 pounds by December. Holy crap!
So hopefully everything goes according to plan... I definitely am NOT eating 1,000 a day, and I will definitely exercise more than 1-3 times a week.
Everytime I think about eating something, I will just think about my real-life thinspo. (She's freaking EIGHTY-FIVE pounds ohmygod.)
That is all. Stay strong!
Love, Lee
| Day | Weight | Calories Used | Your Calorie Deficit |
| 08/24/2013 | 123.55 | 1838.82 | 838.82 |
| 08/31/2013 | 121.88 | 1828.4 | 828.4 |
| 09/07/2013 | 120.24 | 1818.11 | 818.11 |
| 09/14/2013 | 118.61 | 1807.95 | 807.95 |
| 09/21/2013 | 117 | 1797.91 | 797.91 |
| 09/28/2013 | 115.41 | 1788 | 788 |
| 10/05/2013 | 113.85 | 1778.22 | 778.22 |
| 10/12/2013 | 112.3 | 1768.55 | 768.55 |
| 10/19/2013 | 110.77 | 1759 | 759 |
| 10/26/2013 | 109.26 | 1749.58 | 749.58 |
| 11/02/2013 | 107.77 | 1740.27 | 740.27 |
| 11/09/2013 | 106.3 | 1731.07 | 731.07 |
| 11/16/2013 | 104.84 | 1721.99 | 721.99 |
| 11/23/2013 | 103.41 | 1713.02 | 713.02 |
| 11/30/2013 | 101.99 | 1704.17 | 704.17 |
| 12/07/2013 | 100.59 | 1695.42 | 695.42 |
| 12/14/2013 | 99.2 | 1686.78 | 686.78 |
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Introduction
I suppose it's about time for me to properly introduce myself on here.
You can call me Lee.
I am a Junior in High School this year
I suffer from anxiety, manic depression and an ED
I am 122 pounds.
My UGW is 85.
My biggest problem is my binges that start the minute I get home. I lack self-control but it's definitely something that I am working on.
I have a pretty good core group of friends that I've known forever and a great group of new friends that I guess I just sort of...fell into.
I'm not very good with people...But sometimes things just happen for me and that makes me happy.
I'm doing the best that I can.
I want to be beautiful.
I WILL be beautiful.
I swear it.
You can call me Lee.
I am a Junior in High School this year
I suffer from anxiety, manic depression and an ED
I am 122 pounds.
My UGW is 85.
My biggest problem is my binges that start the minute I get home. I lack self-control but it's definitely something that I am working on.
I have a pretty good core group of friends that I've known forever and a great group of new friends that I guess I just sort of...fell into.
I'm not very good with people...But sometimes things just happen for me and that makes me happy.
I'm doing the best that I can.
I want to be beautiful.
I WILL be beautiful.
I swear it.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
I'm a failure
Yesterday was incredible.
I started out by performing a play and then afterwards my youth group + C and I were playing improv games and laughing super hard. And then I went out to eat with C's family which I LOVE doing because they're incredible. I came home and cut though because I felt like such a failure. My self-control fucking sucks.
And then right after church, I went and slept over at E's house. She's fucking incredible and I don't ever have to eat anything at her house because she doesn't eat much either. She's so understanding and funny and I just LOVE hanging out with her. She did shrooms while I did shots of vodka and then we both smoked weed out of her little apple bong. She's hilarious. But yeah, we snuck out and walked around at like 2am and then while we were trying to sneak it, we accidentally set the alarm off. But we covered it really really well so I think we're okay.
One thing I admire about E is the fact that she's such a talented writer. She has all these books that she writes in and it's all so honest and I just wanted to spend the entire night reading them because she was so happy that I showed interest. I was all, of course I'm showing interest, you're freaking awesome.
Anyway, today was just a horrible day but tomorrow school starts and I can start fasting all week. YAY! :D
I think my dad totally knows that my mom and I are leaving him because they got into a huge fight and while she was gone (because I encouraged her to go to our friend's party) he went through her stuff and noticed a lot of clothes and things were missing, and he found out about her second job and he stole our birth certificates, my moms credit cards and my passport. I was like shit shit shit shit shit. But it kicked my mom's butt and made her more focused on getting out so that was really good. I think this Wednesday we'll finish up the crawl space and then hopefully the next Monday, we'll move furniture and be done with it. My dad said he'd fix my car this weekend which is great because it means I can start driving to the gym to work out. UGH I'm so fat.
Okay.
Goodnight loves <3
Lee
I started out by performing a play and then afterwards my youth group + C and I were playing improv games and laughing super hard. And then I went out to eat with C's family which I LOVE doing because they're incredible. I came home and cut though because I felt like such a failure. My self-control fucking sucks.
And then right after church, I went and slept over at E's house. She's fucking incredible and I don't ever have to eat anything at her house because she doesn't eat much either. She's so understanding and funny and I just LOVE hanging out with her. She did shrooms while I did shots of vodka and then we both smoked weed out of her little apple bong. She's hilarious. But yeah, we snuck out and walked around at like 2am and then while we were trying to sneak it, we accidentally set the alarm off. But we covered it really really well so I think we're okay.
One thing I admire about E is the fact that she's such a talented writer. She has all these books that she writes in and it's all so honest and I just wanted to spend the entire night reading them because she was so happy that I showed interest. I was all, of course I'm showing interest, you're freaking awesome.
Anyway, today was just a horrible day but tomorrow school starts and I can start fasting all week. YAY! :D
I think my dad totally knows that my mom and I are leaving him because they got into a huge fight and while she was gone (because I encouraged her to go to our friend's party) he went through her stuff and noticed a lot of clothes and things were missing, and he found out about her second job and he stole our birth certificates, my moms credit cards and my passport. I was like shit shit shit shit shit. But it kicked my mom's butt and made her more focused on getting out so that was really good. I think this Wednesday we'll finish up the crawl space and then hopefully the next Monday, we'll move furniture and be done with it. My dad said he'd fix my car this weekend which is great because it means I can start driving to the gym to work out. UGH I'm so fat.
Okay.
Goodnight loves <3
Lee
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Failure Dayyy
Today was a fail day. I fucking suck. I'm chilling with my friend tonight though getting fucked up. She's got shrooms but I'm just gonna have some vodka and smoke some weed. I need to do this more often. I'm like...so full of self hatred. I don't even know what to do. Goodnight babes
<3 you
Lee
<3 you
Lee
Friday, August 9, 2013
awkward bathroom sitting
I'm just chilling in the bathroom of my school because I'm dropping my sixth period so I don't see a point in going but my school doesn't do schedule changes until seventh period. And since its not official yet, I can't hang out with the other kids who have sixth off because the security guards are going to check and then make me go to class.
Someone else just came in. Is it pee during sixth period day?
So yeah, I'm awkwardly just in this stall waiting for 218 to roll around so that I can go drop the stupid fucking Spanish class. I mentioned that yesterday was a fail day but do far today is going really well! On top of my huge mountain dew can, I've only had two pieces of gum.
Annnnd I get to see my therapist soon!
She's lovely. She's also another one of my friends therapists which is kinda awkward but whatever.
I think a security guard just came in.
Nope.
I was planning on doing homework but there's really no room to spread stuff out so instead I'll just fuck around on my phone. My legs hurt.
Later on tonight I'll make a post introducing myself since it just occurred to me that I never did that.
Oops...
Okay I'm gonna go read my chemistry textbook because technically that's homework I can do on my phone and I don't really know what else to say here.
Love you <3
Lee
Someone else just came in. Is it pee during sixth period day?
So yeah, I'm awkwardly just in this stall waiting for 218 to roll around so that I can go drop the stupid fucking Spanish class. I mentioned that yesterday was a fail day but do far today is going really well! On top of my huge mountain dew can, I've only had two pieces of gum.
Annnnd I get to see my therapist soon!
She's lovely. She's also another one of my friends therapists which is kinda awkward but whatever.
I think a security guard just came in.
Nope.
I was planning on doing homework but there's really no room to spread stuff out so instead I'll just fuck around on my phone. My legs hurt.
Later on tonight I'll make a post introducing myself since it just occurred to me that I never did that.
Oops...
Okay I'm gonna go read my chemistry textbook because technically that's homework I can do on my phone and I don't really know what else to say here.
Love you <3
Lee
Thursday, August 8, 2013
I hate myself
I'm so frustrated with myself. I have to drop my favorite fucking class, which is Spanish, because the teacher said that we have to do oral presentations in front of the entire class, with everyone peer evaluating while we do it, for 8-15 minutes.
I was fighting back tears the entire class period, just telling myself "keep it together, keep it together, it's almost over, you're okay" and then almost as soon as the bell rang I lost it.
My teacher told me she knew I was super smart and "didn't you have to speak in front of the class last year?" And all I could say was "I can't do it this year, I can't do it" because I had already started crying. So she quickly signed the sheet saying I could drop the class and I ran into the nearest bathroom and cried.
I just won't do this to myself anymore. I barely handled speaking last year, my mental state is going to deteriorate even further if I do it this year and it just sucks because I really fucking love Spanish and I'm a year ahead of where I should be, and it was a weighted course and the teacher seemed nice and my favorite teacher is teaching AP Spanish next year, but I just cannot do this and I am so disappointed in myself for that, that I don't even know what to do. I'm frustrated at my social anxiety and frustrated that I can't just BE NORMAL and be able to talk to people without wanting to die.
-Breathe-
The look on my moms face when I told her I was dropping Spanish was horrible. She's SO disappointed in me. She knows I LOVE it.
I just CAN'T.
On the bright side, I bought a new pencil sharpener today that I'll dismantle later on this week.
Not that I NEED more blades, but it was one of the only things that went right today.
Ugh.
I worked out and starved yesterday, did not eat a SINGLE thing, and was doing well today except for when my mom took me out to try to make me feel better about the Spanish thing. I fucking blew it.
But you know what? Tomorrow is going to be a better day. I can fucking feel it.
I love you <3
Lee
I was fighting back tears the entire class period, just telling myself "keep it together, keep it together, it's almost over, you're okay" and then almost as soon as the bell rang I lost it.
My teacher told me she knew I was super smart and "didn't you have to speak in front of the class last year?" And all I could say was "I can't do it this year, I can't do it" because I had already started crying. So she quickly signed the sheet saying I could drop the class and I ran into the nearest bathroom and cried.
I just won't do this to myself anymore. I barely handled speaking last year, my mental state is going to deteriorate even further if I do it this year and it just sucks because I really fucking love Spanish and I'm a year ahead of where I should be, and it was a weighted course and the teacher seemed nice and my favorite teacher is teaching AP Spanish next year, but I just cannot do this and I am so disappointed in myself for that, that I don't even know what to do. I'm frustrated at my social anxiety and frustrated that I can't just BE NORMAL and be able to talk to people without wanting to die.
-Breathe-
The look on my moms face when I told her I was dropping Spanish was horrible. She's SO disappointed in me. She knows I LOVE it.
I just CAN'T.
On the bright side, I bought a new pencil sharpener today that I'll dismantle later on this week.
Not that I NEED more blades, but it was one of the only things that went right today.
Ugh.
I worked out and starved yesterday, did not eat a SINGLE thing, and was doing well today except for when my mom took me out to try to make me feel better about the Spanish thing. I fucking blew it.
But you know what? Tomorrow is going to be a better day. I can fucking feel it.
I love you <3
Lee
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Reppin' for the Freshman (:
And here's me, reppin' for the freshman!
Much love to everyone <3 -Lee
Monday, August 5, 2013
Anxiety
Tomorrow is the first day of school. I'm a Junior now...whoo hoo. I'm freaking out about the first day-not because it is the first day, but because I'm going to be missing it. I'm a Link Leader which means that I'll be showing the Freshman around high school and teaching them how it works and helping them get to their classes. It's only a half day for everyone else, but I've got this idea in my brain that I am going to miss so much that I'll never be able to catch up. Which isn't even true, and I'm only missing two classes, but still. Tomorrow I am going to have to control 15 Freshies all by myself for like, four hours. I don't even know how I am going to get through this. I managed to call them all without too many panic attacks and the ones I got ahold of all seem really nice but I am still completely freaking out. I hate not being able to talk to people. But I'm doing this because I LOVED my Link Leaders when I was a Freshman and they really made high school less intimidating for me. I want to have the same impact on my freshman, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to do that. What if they hate me?!
This year is definitely the year I'm going to try and break out of my anxiety. I've said that every year but this time, I'm really dedicated to joining clubs and meeting new people and making connections and strengthening the friendships I have. I didn't get to see too many people this summer, and being on my own creates all this time for the depression and insecurities to creep back in. I'm going to try really hard to stay busy busy busy this year.
On Wednesday, I'm going to go work out with my friend Natalie at her gym and I'm so excited!! The Condos my mom and I are moving into also have a workout room and I am vowing now that I will try to be in there every day right after I get home for at least a few hours before I have to start my homework. That's one of the worst things about me, my procrastination. Even now, I still haven't begun to get close to finishing my summer assignment even though I've had the entire summer. UGH. Tomorrow night is going to be hell, and I know that, but I still have no motivation to do any more work. Maybe I'll try to get the first lesson and the State Hearing Questions done but idk. Tomorrow I''m headed off to play practice right after school because my church is putting on a play this coming Saturday. Joy. Yet another place for my anxiety to grab ahold of me and squeeze.
But everyone tells me that high school is the best time of your life, so I'm going to do my best to make it that way! I feel determined!
Okay, I'm gonna go wash my belly button piercing and take another crack at my summer assignments.
Love y'all (:
This year is definitely the year I'm going to try and break out of my anxiety. I've said that every year but this time, I'm really dedicated to joining clubs and meeting new people and making connections and strengthening the friendships I have. I didn't get to see too many people this summer, and being on my own creates all this time for the depression and insecurities to creep back in. I'm going to try really hard to stay busy busy busy this year.
On Wednesday, I'm going to go work out with my friend Natalie at her gym and I'm so excited!! The Condos my mom and I are moving into also have a workout room and I am vowing now that I will try to be in there every day right after I get home for at least a few hours before I have to start my homework. That's one of the worst things about me, my procrastination. Even now, I still haven't begun to get close to finishing my summer assignment even though I've had the entire summer. UGH. Tomorrow night is going to be hell, and I know that, but I still have no motivation to do any more work. Maybe I'll try to get the first lesson and the State Hearing Questions done but idk. Tomorrow I''m headed off to play practice right after school because my church is putting on a play this coming Saturday. Joy. Yet another place for my anxiety to grab ahold of me and squeeze.
But everyone tells me that high school is the best time of your life, so I'm going to do my best to make it that way! I feel determined!
Okay, I'm gonna go wash my belly button piercing and take another crack at my summer assignments.
Love y'all (:
Procastination
FUCKING PROCRASTINATION I HATE MYSELF FOR DOING THIS.
I'll post something longer later...
I'll post something longer later...
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