I hate myself

I'm so frustrated with myself. I have to drop my favorite fucking class, which is Spanish, because the teacher said that we have to do oral presentations in front of the entire class, with everyone peer evaluating while we do it, for 8-15 minutes.
I was fighting back tears the entire class period, just telling myself "keep it together, keep it together, it's almost over, you're okay" and then almost as soon as the bell rang I lost it.
My teacher told me she knew I was super smart and "didn't you have to speak in front of the class last year?" And all I could say was "I can't do it this year, I can't do it" because I had already started crying. So she quickly signed the sheet saying I could drop the class and I ran into the nearest bathroom and cried.
I just won't do this to myself anymore. I barely handled speaking last year, my mental state is going to deteriorate even further if I do it this year and it just sucks because I really fucking love Spanish and I'm a year ahead of where I should be, and it was a weighted course and the teacher seemed nice and my favorite teacher is teaching AP Spanish next year, but I just cannot do this and I am so disappointed in myself for that, that I don't even know what to do. I'm frustrated at my social anxiety and frustrated that I can't just BE NORMAL and be able to talk to people without wanting to die.
-Breathe-
The look on my moms face when I told her I was dropping Spanish was horrible. She's SO disappointed in me. She knows I LOVE it.
I just CAN'T.

On the bright side, I bought a new pencil sharpener today that I'll dismantle later on this week.
Not that I NEED more blades, but it was one of the only things that went right today.
Ugh.
I worked out and starved yesterday, did not eat a SINGLE thing, and was doing well today except for when my mom took me out to try to make me feel better about the Spanish thing. I fucking blew it.

But you know what? Tomorrow is going to be a better day. I can fucking feel it.

I love you <3
Lee