Change

I'm so fucking good at self-sabotage.

Anytime a boy gets close to me - Sabotage.
Anytime I start to feel happy - Sabotage.
Anytime my weight starts to go down - Sabotage.

And I'm so sick of it.
This has to change.

Today my dad called me and told me he was worried about my eating habits, so I told him if there was healthy food in the house, I would eat better (Yeah, like I'm eating...) and he said he would take me to the grocery store tomorrow and let me pick healthy food. YAY! This means rice cakes, and vegetables, fruits and tofu, almond milk and NO ICKY FATTY GROSS THINGS!! :D

I only ate a handful of nuts today and unfortunately, a slice of cake. Weekends usually suck the worst for me because during the weekends is when I have the least self-control, as I am around all the food all day. This weekend is a three day weekend which is terrible, but I'm planning on restricting/starving until Tuesday.

My ex and I have pretty much talked non stop and it's been really...nice? IDK. He was saying that him and his girlfriend decided not to talk a lot at night because otherwise they run out of things to say...which made me really really happy because I couldn't help but think of the way we were, and still are, able to talk about anything and nothing for HOURS on end. Idk, I just want him to be happy, but since we've been talking so often, he's been on my mind so much more and I'm starting to wish he was happy with...me.

But I can't think about that. I have to focus on his face when he sees tiny me and realizes what he gave up.

That means no more binge-starving. Only restricting-starving is allowed.

Can't wait to start working out!

Love you,
-Lee