Just keep swimming...

It's been kind of a tough week...My mom and I flew down to visit my grandparents on Monday morning and we're here until Saturday.

My grandparents are definitely the type who show their love through food which has been making me freak out endlessly. Plus they have the scale from hell that likes to tell me that I'm actually five pounds heavier than I really am. Seriously, the first time I stepped on, I almost had a heart attack. I thought I was going to die. In the end, I took a deep breath and went on with my day, secretly hating myself. And then I stepped on the scale that night and saw that magically, I had lost six pounds during the day. Um. No. So every morning, I just remind myself that THAT IS NOT ACCURATE.

Despite my best efforts, I've been maintaining here. It's a miracle I've even been able to do that, because the minute I stop chewing my food, my grandparents get all over me.
Gma: "Want some apples?"
Gpa: "We have cookies"
Gma: "There's pie"
Gpa: "How about some noodles?"
Gma: "I can make you crackers and cheese."
Gpa: "Do pretzels sound good?"
That happens after every meal. It's kind of ridiculous, but I know they care.

They've been talking a lot about their will, which is very upsetting, because when they die...I mean, that's the last family that I LIKE. I can't imagine not coming to AZ every break...

Anyway, as soon as I get home I plan on restricting like mad and exercising like my life depends on it. I went shopping today in preparation for my skinny life (: Twenty more pounds and I'm there. I expect the first ten to come off rather quickly, but the last ten will probably be tricky. My metabolism is so tired of me starving and gaining, starving and gaining that it will probably just quit on me lol.

Sigh.
This week has been so relaxing that I almost don't want to go home...I don't know. It's been nice. I've noticed that I'm SOOO tired lately, so I picked up a few 0 cal, 0 sugar Monsters to chug and that seems to get me all the way through the day.

Anyway, I hope you're doing better than I am...
(Hi to my two followers!)
Stay strong beautifuls (:
-Lee

Bad Friend

I feel like a failure.
I'm a failure as a person and I'm a failure as a friend.
I had no idea things were getting that bad with McNugget. I did my best and spoke from the heart and his gf was extremely grateful. She said it helped a lot. I'm still really worried though. How could I not have seen this before?!? I'm a horrible person.
And then of course I went and picked a fight with MT. Over nothing. I'm such a fucking failure.

But I'm going to be better.
I'm going to be the best girl in the world.
I will.

Ouchy

So I finally got motivated to get my ass down to the gym and start running again.
First of all, lemme tell you. All that time I took off from running? Yeah it fucking KILLED my times. I'm running a freaking 11 minute mile right now. Wut. Ugh.
And so I'm running and right when my slow ass hits the mile my hip pops. I'm not talking about like, when your knuckles pop, or when you stretch and your arms pop. Nope, that shit fucking POPPED and then started burning. Okay. Can you say OUCH?!

So yeah. I'm icing it now and we'll see how it feels tomorrow. I might just run on it anyway. Ugh.

Today was a good day. I watched half of that movie "Bully" in my DECA class and wow. Just wow. That movie had me crying from the first minute all the way to when my teacher turned it off for the day. Kids can be so cruel.

Alright, I might post something longer later but right now I gotta get my butt up and start my homework.

Much love
Lee

God it's been awhile

Okay, so yeah. It's been almost an entire month since I last posted on here and I'll be honest, in that month I only lost four pounds. I was so fucking stressed that I was literally on the edge of my sanity. And then came Friday night. Friday night I first find out that one of my best friends was in a car accident. The driver smashed right into her seat and she has a terrible concussion. She's absolutely fine- or so she says. That girl would say she was fine even if she was missing all her limbs. Geez. That kind of reminded me how short life can be and how easily the people we love can be taken from us...And as I was thinking about these things, my dad swings by my mom and I's new house and steals our car. Awesome. So not only does he now know where we live, but we only have one car. My father is the type to show up at our house randomly, so there's that to worry about constantly. Add that on top of my school work and my already occurring anxiety attacks and I'm just a big huge ball of sanity!

Ha ha.
Ha.
Haaa...

Just kidding, I'm fucking about to break. But if nothing else, it's been a kick in the ass. I WANT skinny more than I want to breathe. I really do. December is still my goal for 100 pounds. Tomorrow I begin my super strict exercise/fasting/restricting regime and hopefully by the end of this week I'll be seeing some weight budge.

And my other best friend is coming to live with me soon, hopefully! Well, I mean, I do hope her mom can find a place to live really soon, but it's been so long since I've seen this girl, plus she's super skinny and lord knows my fat ass needs the motivation.

By the time I'm 17 (about two and a half weeks) I wanna see the lower teens. Seriously.

Love you.
Lee