Change

I'm so fucking good at self-sabotage.

Anytime a boy gets close to me - Sabotage.
Anytime I start to feel happy - Sabotage.
Anytime my weight starts to go down - Sabotage.

And I'm so sick of it.
This has to change.

Today my dad called me and told me he was worried about my eating habits, so I told him if there was healthy food in the house, I would eat better (Yeah, like I'm eating...) and he said he would take me to the grocery store tomorrow and let me pick healthy food. YAY! This means rice cakes, and vegetables, fruits and tofu, almond milk and NO ICKY FATTY GROSS THINGS!! :D

I only ate a handful of nuts today and unfortunately, a slice of cake. Weekends usually suck the worst for me because during the weekends is when I have the least self-control, as I am around all the food all day. This weekend is a three day weekend which is terrible, but I'm planning on restricting/starving until Tuesday.

My ex and I have pretty much talked non stop and it's been really...nice? IDK. He was saying that him and his girlfriend decided not to talk a lot at night because otherwise they run out of things to say...which made me really really happy because I couldn't help but think of the way we were, and still are, able to talk about anything and nothing for HOURS on end. Idk, I just want him to be happy, but since we've been talking so often, he's been on my mind so much more and I'm starting to wish he was happy with...me.

But I can't think about that. I have to focus on his face when he sees tiny me and realizes what he gave up.

That means no more binge-starving. Only restricting-starving is allowed.

Can't wait to start working out!

Love you,
-Lee

Dickhead.

MT and I just had a huuuuuge fight. He calls because he wants to hear all about my problems, and then acts all superior and tells me to "get some sleep" FUCK. OFF.
I said some mean things, insulted his school which he hates, and then called him a dickhead and blocked him on Facebook and on my phone. I don't need his bullshit. I seriously don't. He's got this "good guy" complex where he absolutely HAS to come out looking like a good person in every situation, even if that means lying through his teeth at the last minute. FUCK. HIM.
I'm over it. Even though I sort of want to apologize, I also want him to hate himself, because he deserves it. I found this on my old blog and it's utterly perfect. I wrote it shortly after I threw him out of my life the first time, after our second breakup:

"Hey baby. That kid that you keep thinking about? He was so so bad for you. I won't even beat it around the bush, I'll just jump right into telling you the honest truth. He was a classic terrible relationship. That boy was controlling, emotionally manipulative, forceful, and borderline physically abusive.
Yeah. Stop making excuses in your head, got it? That's exactly the way he was.
He was scared to be alone. He came back to you. He might even come back again. It'll be even worse if you go back. Remember that.
You had your first cigarette today. It tasted bitter, just like you.
Remember all of those times he would push you into doing things you didn't want to? Whether it was physical stuff or not, he pushed and pushed and when you kept saying no, he'd say you didn't love him, that you wanted to, or he'd cry until you gave him his way. When you would compromise, it always had to be his way. When you were obviously, glaringly uncomfortable with something, he wouldn't notice, even though it was his JOB to notice those things and keep you safe from them. Even after he learned about what happened with her, he still pushed those things. He joked about it too, Lee. Goddamn it and you thought you loved him. How could you love that?
Remember when your leg muscles were tender and he touched them? You flinched and he asked what was wrong and when you wouldn't tell him BECAUSE IT DIDN'T MATTER, he grabbed you by the legs and squeezed them while pulling you to him. That was the first flash of fear you had. The first taste of what he could be like. Remember all those "Muay Thai" moves he'd use on you? God. Remember the little hits, the little shit he'd say to you that would just fucking eat away at you.
He. Is. Never. Going. To. Change.
He isn't even that interesting. Seriously, he's got the military, bikes and his martial arts. Yawwwwn.
Oh, but you would have stayed with him forever, wouldn't you? Because that's what he promised you. Your house and your three kids, Aspen Ann, Brooklyn Nicole and Tucker Alexander. The all night phone calls you would have. The things he helped you through. The sweet fucking lies he'd tell you.
Do you even recall what those nights were like though? Some of them ended in tears and he couldn't even tell. Some of them left you miserable, but you felt guilty for being miserable and so you ignored that emotion, making excuses for him, telling yourself YOU were the problem. Baby, that wasn't true. A boyfriend should make you happy all of the time.
Your subconscious knew you were secretly miserable and terrified and scared and insecure and it tried to tell you. You were miserable all the damn time, but the minute you talked to him everything was okay again. That wasn't because he made everything okay, it was because you weren't so desperately alone in that sea of misery THAT HE CREATED. All of those neurotic, jealous feelings you had went away completely after y'all broke up. You were okay again after y'all broke up. You only miss the attention he'd pay to you. But again, that's all just a part of his game to make you fall for him because he's afraid he'll end up alone.
He would call you names, Lee. Nutjob, freak, psycho. Yeah. You thought they were all in jest but come on. In every lie, there's a bit of truth. Lee, baby. Listen to me. He was so bad for you. Yeah, he paid attention to the little details about you. That seems sweet because he was the first one to ever do that for you but he didn't even TRY to work things out with you, he just left for another girl, AGAIN. That isn't love, sweetie. And look at you, you're so strong babygirl. You cut him out of your life, you put him in his place, you didn't give in when it counted and ohmygod that was incredible, honey! You laugh more than you used to, in my opinion. You still want to tell MT when something funny or good happens, but that urge will go away. It has to. He won't be a part of your life forever. Instead he'll just be a lesson learned.
When you do find love-like, actual love-it is going to be so beautiful. I promise. It will never make you feel the way you did with him. That's okay. That is a GOOD thing.
MT wanted sex. Sex and that is all. Not you, and everything that comes with you.
MT is the worst guy ever. There are much better guys out there.
I mean, once you've scrapped the bottom of the barrel, it's pretty hard to get lower, y'know ;)
Smile. It's such a pretty smile. And that giggle, ohmygod. It makes you, baby.
You've got a good life. It's too good to waste on some hormone-controlled player. Love lasts. Look at Mrs. C's marriage. You WILL find love like that. How could you not?"

116??

Binged today.
Weighed myself.
116.
One pound away from my FGW.
The food probably hasn't settled yet.
But I'm going to remember how that number looked.

My dad is being an ass, screaming at my mom all because she asked if I could take the car tomorrow since I have to do this thing at a middle school and it's too far to walk. He said no because I hadn't gotten a job over the summer. He said he understood about my social anxiety WTF.

And appearently hes mad that my mom is working on Sunday because he wanted us to go out of town with him. HE HAS DONE NOTHING BUT SCREAM AT HER ALL WEEK AND TELL HER HOW MUCH SHE DISGUSTS HIM.

He's such a hypocrite. I'm about to cry.

I don't know what we're going to do, he's threatening to disable our cars so I'm trying to do internet research on it, but Idk man. We have places to be tomorrow, my mom has to go into work... I have to pick up a friend for that middle school thing...

I'm seriously just prayin' that shit works out in my favor and he doesn't do that shit.

:/ Ay yi yi

-Lee

118 and a weird night...

I'm 118. Not good, but considering Losertown told me I wouldn't be that weight until September 14th, I'm pretty fucking happy!

Today all I had was a Rockstar energy drink, a peach, and a handful of nuts. The nuts were kind of unexpected but at the end, it was okay. I needed the fiber anyway...

Last night, MT called me because his gf was busy doing hw due to the fact that she started school today. We ended up talking for like, two hours, until midnight.

It started off horribly. Like. Horribly. I kept bitching at him, we would piss each other off and we were fighting. I ended up hanging up twice, I think. But towards the end it got better because we just started talking about things that mattered. Which was nice. He offered to let me stay with him if I ever felt unsafe around my dad. And then we were arguing because he kept saying he was gonna sleep on the couch while I slept in the bed, which was NOT gonna fly with me. He was super sweet towards the end and he's got this voice he uses when I cry. It's SOOOOOO comforting. And he used that last night.

So...
Yeah. It ended up alright.

I think that's all...
I love you
-Lee


UPDATE: I hung up on MT to go talk to S. Good decision. (:

Whoo.

I'm back down to 120 and so blessed to have the people in my life that I do.

I'm feeling pretty damn optimistic right now.

The weeks are always better than the weekends for me in terms of food, so hopefully I can get down to 118 by the end of this week.

I really just have to take this five pounds at a time, you know? Just focus on getting down to 115. And then down to 110. And then 105 and so on. I just really do not want to wake up in December as the same old 120 pound me and realize that if I had just stayed on track I could have been 100. That's my biggest fear. It's happened so many times.

But this time WILL be different. It. WILL.

Peace, love and drugs
-Lee

Appreciation

Tonight, I felt like I had no one.

I freaking have so much appreciation for S and E right now.
E called me after seeing a Tumblr post and we talked/cried like babies for an entire hour.
That girl is wonderful in every single way. I'm so grateful to her.

And before she called, S had called, all worried about me, and we talked for a little while.

I love the both of them so much.

That's all.

WTF

Zip lining with the dad was fun.

You know what's not fun?

Eating three meals a day.

I sincerely cannot remember the last time I have eaten three meals in a day. Seriously. But this morning, I woke up and had a breakfast-snack.

And then breakfast.

And then lunch.

And then dinner.

Plus snacks.

My stomach hurts and my pulse is racing and I'm on the verge of tears and I have nobody to talk to. I can't handle this. Something must be done. I'm. So. Fucking. Fat.

The scale said 123. I'm seriously going to lose it.

YOU FAT UGLY FAILURE. YOU FAT UGLY FAILURE. YOU FAT UGLY FAILURE.

OH MY GOD YOU PIG ARE YOU REALLY THAT FUCKING STUPID YOU WERE OUT OF THE 120'S. YOU WERE IN THE TEENS. NOW YOU'RE BIGGER THAN YOU EVER REMEMBER BEING OHMYGOD WHO DECIDED THAT YOU DESERVED FOOD. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE FOR THAT WEIGHT TO COME OFF. AT THIS RATE YOU WILL BE MORBIDLY OBESE YOU FAT FUCKING FAILURE.

And now I really am crying.

I can't even throw up right.

I'm so alone.

119

Fasting went well. Not as well as it could have, but I keep reminding myself that there is always tomorrow.

I stepped on the scale and saw 119 and I felt so relieved but I'm also hoping like hell that I don't yo-yo back up to 120. I'm making myself freaking crazy.

And I want a bagel. I'm obsessed with bread. Seriously, I can pass up the cake, the chips, the muffins, the ice cream, the chocolate, the cupcakes, whatever. But if you give me bread I will eat that shit in .02 seconds flat. And I know. Ohmygod, CARBS. But I guess we all have our vices.

I feel panicked all the time now. My old spanish teacher, who I'm assistant for now, asked me today if I liked Diet Dr. Pepper and she had barely even gotten the sentence out before I blurted "NO!". It's not even like it has calories, Lee, get a grip!

But I just find self-control so hard. And it gets easier but I really have to work for it sometimes. I've learned not to carry money on me because then otherwise I will buy food with it. But today I gave away food and that honestly almost makes me happier than eating it would have...

Life at home is still really tense. My mom is working all tomorrow so I think my dad and I are going either zip-lining, or ultralight flying. Hopefully I don't have to eat anything. I hope there's at least food where we're going though because otherwise my dad will want to stop for fast food on the way home.

On the bright side, the guy I really like friend requested me on FB!

On the not so bright side, I made a post the other day about how when my ex called, I would NOT pick up because I didn't need that bullshit blah blah blah blah blah. Literally the NEXT DAY he called and I picked up. But one of the first things he said was that he felt bad for not having talked to me in like three weeks and although it's been longer, that kinda made me forgive him instantly. He's still with his girlfriend though, which is weird because he doesn't really do long relationships. She's different I guess. Ouch.

But whatever, it doesn't matter. My life is going okay and I lost an entire pound.

I seriously need to bug my mom about buying a better scale for our new place. I'm neurotic about wanting to know my exact weight, down to three decimal spaces. But the scale we have is one of those stupid old ones with just the lines on it. I don't like it. At all. But what else am I supposed to do?

I miss running...

Stay strong loves!
-Lee

Failure Failure Failure

I can hear my parents fighting downstairs and no matter how many times I remind myself that it is only for a little while longer I still cannot stop myself from being upset.

It's not that I'm upset that they're fighting. I could care less about my fucking parent's relationship. But I fucking hate him. He acts like a child and picks immature fights with my mom.

Now my mom and I don't always have the best relationship.

But it's better than his and mine. At least she loves me.

I binged today. But tomorrow no one will be home for hours so I'll just fast all day.

Breathe, Lee.

It's only for a little while longer.

Love y'all.

MT

I've been thinking about you lately...
Sometimes I want to tell you how angry I am with you but I've resigned myself to the fact that we won't talk anymore. It is inevitable that you will call me sometime soon and expect everything to be normal even though you haven't spoken to me in almost a month.
We used to talk every day. What the hell.
This time though I am not willing to do this to myself. I will ignore your calls.
I will not unblock you.
I miss you. I think about you all the time.
But it's getting better. It is.
You treat me like shit.
That's the end of it.
I'm tired of making excuses for you.

fffffff

I was doing so well today...
I'd only consumed 200 in liquid calories and had climbed stairs and lifted heavy totes for an hour.
And then I crashed.
Fuck my life.
I'm such a failure.
I don't even wanna talk about this.
Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.

Back to Normal

Thank God thank god thank god thank god thank god.

I'm back at 120 pounds.

The other day it said 122 on the scale and I have NEVER (except for at my highest weight, 135) been higher than 120.

Thank god thank god thank god thank god thank god.

Now I just have to focus on getting lower. I can do this. In a month I should be seeing 110.

Thank. god.

Love y'all

Lee <3

Gross

I hate my thunder thighs that cover the entire chair when I sit down
I hate my huge arms that expand to twice their size when pressed against something
I hate my huge, bulgy calves that hinder my skinny jean wearing
I hate my stomach that makes rolls when I slouch and has a noticeable pooch when I'm sitting straight up
I hate the fat on my thumbs
I hate the muffin tops on my sides
I hate my ugly fat knees
I hate my round piggy face
I hate my wide shoulders
I HATE MY BODY
I AM DOING THIS FOR ME.
That means that I HAVE TO FUCKING QUIT MY IMPULSE DECISIONS.
God, I'm disgusting.

I'm off to go do my homework now, because, like the typical failure I am, I haven't done it yet.
Looks like another sleepless night for me.
Fuck.

Love y'all
Lee.

So I did LoserTown today and I entered in slightly incorrect information.

I like to plan for worst case scenarios, what can I say?

So I told it that I was three pounds heavier than I am, that I was aiming for exercise one to three times a week and that my calorie goal was 1,000 a day. (Ickkkk) And guess what?? It told me I could be 100 pounds by December. Holy crap!

So hopefully everything goes according to plan... I definitely am NOT eating 1,000 a day, and I will definitely exercise more than 1-3 times a week.

Everytime I think about eating something, I will just think about my real-life thinspo. (She's freaking EIGHTY-FIVE pounds ohmygod.)

That is all. Stay strong!
Love, Lee

Day	Weight	Calories Used	Your Calorie Deficit
08/24/2013	123.55	1838.82	838.82
08/31/2013	121.88	1828.4	828.4
09/07/2013	120.24	1818.11	818.11
09/14/2013	118.61	1807.95	807.95
09/21/2013	117	1797.91	797.91
09/28/2013	115.41	1788	788
10/05/2013	113.85	1778.22	778.22
10/12/2013	112.3	1768.55	768.55
10/19/2013	110.77	1759	759
10/26/2013	109.26	1749.58	749.58
11/02/2013	107.77	1740.27	740.27
11/09/2013	106.3	1731.07	731.07
11/16/2013	104.84	1721.99	721.99
11/23/2013	103.41	1713.02	713.02
11/30/2013	101.99	1704.17	704.17
12/07/2013	100.59	1695.42	695.42
12/14/2013	99.2	1686.78	686.78

Introduction

I suppose it's about time for me to properly introduce myself on here.

You can call me Lee.
I am a Junior in High School this year
I suffer from anxiety, manic depression and an ED
I am 122 pounds.
My UGW is 85.

My biggest problem is my binges that start the minute I get home. I lack self-control but it's definitely something that I am working on.

I have a pretty good core group of friends that I've known forever and a great group of new friends that I guess I just sort of...fell into.

I'm not very good with people...But sometimes things just happen for me and that makes me happy.

I'm doing the best that I can.

I want to be beautiful.

I WILL be beautiful.

I swear it.

I'm a failure

Yesterday was incredible.
I started out by performing a play and then afterwards my youth group + C and I were playing improv games and laughing super hard. And then I went out to eat with C's family which I LOVE doing because they're incredible. I came home and cut though because I felt like such a failure. My self-control fucking sucks.

And then right after church, I went and slept over at E's house. She's fucking incredible and I don't ever have to eat anything at her house because she doesn't eat much either. She's so understanding and funny and I just LOVE hanging out with her. She did shrooms while I did shots of vodka and then we both smoked weed out of her little apple bong. She's hilarious. But yeah, we snuck out and walked around at like 2am and then while we were trying to sneak it, we accidentally set the alarm off. But we covered it really really well so I think we're okay.

One thing I admire about E is the fact that she's such a talented writer. She has all these books that she writes in and it's all so honest and I just wanted to spend the entire night reading them because she was so happy that I showed interest. I was all, of course I'm showing interest, you're freaking awesome.

Anyway, today was just a horrible day but tomorrow school starts and I can start fasting all week. YAY! :D

I think my dad totally knows that my mom and I are leaving him because they got into a huge fight and while she was gone (because I encouraged her to go to our friend's party) he went through her stuff and noticed a lot of clothes and things were missing, and he found out about her second job and he stole our birth certificates, my moms credit cards and my passport. I was like shit shit shit shit shit. But it kicked my mom's butt and made her more focused on getting out so that was really good. I think this Wednesday we'll finish up the crawl space and then hopefully the next Monday, we'll move furniture and be done with it. My dad said he'd fix my car this weekend which is great because it means I can start driving to the gym to work out. UGH I'm so fat.
Okay.
Goodnight loves <3
Lee

Failure Dayyy

Today was a fail day. I fucking suck. I'm chilling with my friend tonight though getting fucked up. She's got shrooms but I'm just gonna have some vodka and smoke some weed. I need to do this more often. I'm like...so full of self hatred. I don't even know what to do. Goodnight babes
<3 you
Lee

awkward bathroom sitting

I'm just chilling in the bathroom of my school because I'm dropping my sixth period so I don't see a point in going but my school doesn't do schedule changes until seventh period. And since its not official yet, I can't hang out with the other kids who have sixth off because the security guards are going to check and then make me go to class.
Someone else just came in. Is it pee during sixth period day?
So yeah, I'm awkwardly just in this stall waiting for 218 to roll around so that I can go drop the stupid fucking Spanish class. I mentioned that yesterday was a fail day but do far today is going really well! On top of my huge mountain dew can, I've only had two pieces of gum.
Annnnd I get to see my therapist soon!
She's lovely. She's also another one of my friends therapists which is kinda awkward but whatever.
I think a security guard just came in.
Nope.
I was planning on doing homework but there's really no room to spread stuff out so instead I'll just fuck around on my phone. My legs hurt.
Later on tonight I'll make a post introducing myself since it just occurred to me that I never did that.
Oops...
Okay I'm gonna go read my chemistry textbook because technically that's homework I can do on my phone and I don't really know what else to say here.
Love you <3
Lee

I hate myself

I'm so frustrated with myself. I have to drop my favorite fucking class, which is Spanish, because the teacher said that we have to do oral presentations in front of the entire class, with everyone peer evaluating while we do it, for 8-15 minutes.
I was fighting back tears the entire class period, just telling myself "keep it together, keep it together, it's almost over, you're okay" and then almost as soon as the bell rang I lost it.
My teacher told me she knew I was super smart and "didn't you have to speak in front of the class last year?" And all I could say was "I can't do it this year, I can't do it" because I had already started crying. So she quickly signed the sheet saying I could drop the class and I ran into the nearest bathroom and cried.
I just won't do this to myself anymore. I barely handled speaking last year, my mental state is going to deteriorate even further if I do it this year and it just sucks because I really fucking love Spanish and I'm a year ahead of where I should be, and it was a weighted course and the teacher seemed nice and my favorite teacher is teaching AP Spanish next year, but I just cannot do this and I am so disappointed in myself for that, that I don't even know what to do. I'm frustrated at my social anxiety and frustrated that I can't just BE NORMAL and be able to talk to people without wanting to die.
-Breathe-
The look on my moms face when I told her I was dropping Spanish was horrible. She's SO disappointed in me. She knows I LOVE it.
I just CAN'T.

On the bright side, I bought a new pencil sharpener today that I'll dismantle later on this week.
Not that I NEED more blades, but it was one of the only things that went right today.
Ugh.
I worked out and starved yesterday, did not eat a SINGLE thing, and was doing well today except for when my mom took me out to try to make me feel better about the Spanish thing. I fucking blew it.

But you know what? Tomorrow is going to be a better day. I can fucking feel it.

I love you <3
Lee

Reppin' for the Freshman (:

Today was incredible. I so rarely have good days that when they do come around, I try to enjoy them as fully and completely as I can. My sleep schedule is pretty much fucked from an entire summer of going to bed at 4am and waking up at 1pm lol so when I got up this morning on like, two hours of sleep, it took me awhile to be able to function bwahaha. I was so fucking nervous when I first got to school because I had no idea how chillin with 15 freshies would go, but the minute I got there, I automatically saw Isaac who I hung out with for a minute before I went inside and then when I got into the school, I immediately fell into hanging out with Daniel and Andrew, two incredibly cool kids that I know from various classes last year. Then Lauren arrived, and finally Salam so I had people to sit with that I felt more comfortable with. We debriefed and then the Freshman started pouring into the gym. We did a few activities as one big group and then we split off into our little groups. I ended up with 14 kids total because one didn't show (more on that later) and although it was a little awkward and I talked too fast, no one was mean or rude or unhelpful. They all did the activities I had for them and participated and they kinda all made friends with each other immediately which was super nice. Then we went on a tour and they all asked good questions. I seriously could NOT have asked for better kids. I adore them. So after that, they had to go to an assembly and I was chilling with Sami, Anna, Salam and Lauren on the side, while joking and laughing with Jordan and his friend who I don't really like because he brags about cheating on his girlfriend and is a compulsive liar, but he was funny and gave me a hug because I made him laugh and he said that made his day. I ate lunch with Jared, Brighid, Nick and Odessey and said hi to Tianna. We got yelled at by campus security for being outside but whatever. And then I said bye to them and hung with this kid Asher, Lauren, Salam, Andrew and Daniel again, just helping freshman get to their classes and wasting time with songs and dances and jokes when they were in their 20 minute classes. We all had such a freaking great time. I really love them all. So, I mentioned before that one girl didn't show up who was supposed to and her mom called me and kept asking if "Spring belonged to Rangeview" and she was in the data base so I told her mom yes and then later on it hit me that maybe her mom was trying to ask me if Spring was actually here so I promptly called her back and told her that no, I hadn't seen Spring all day. She then started yelling at me to have Rangeview's services call her right now so I went and found my favorite counselor, Mrs. Linear and told her my problem and she apologized to me because I got yelled at, which yeah, upset me, but she didn't need to apologize for it. And then later on, at the Leader debrief, I got a high five from Melendez, my favorite teacher ever (I've got a lot of those lol) for handling the tough situation really professionally. And Linear told everyone that I had had a sticky situation but that I really showed what it meant to be a Link Leader by handling it maturely and responsibly. That made me really really happy. An ex-team person even came over and thanked me and shook my hand. I was like wuuuut this is awesome. And I texted all my freshies to get feedback and ask if there was anything they needed help with and what I could do to make their second day good as well, and one of them told me that I helped them feel like part of the Raider family. And then I got to go to play practice and see Nick, T.R, Beth, Emily and Chelsea and even though Beth is a total slave driver, it was fun. So all in all it was a really fucking great day and tomorrow I get to meet all my teachers and see who all are in my classes. I'm really excited to start the day! And I get to work out with Natalie after school! (: Sorry this was long and not really about anything, I just had to share.
And here's me, reppin' for the freshman!

Much love to everyone <3 -Lee

Anxiety

Tomorrow is the first day of school. I'm a Junior now...whoo hoo. I'm freaking out about the first day-not because it is the first day, but because I'm going to be missing it. I'm a Link Leader which means that I'll be showing the Freshman around high school and teaching them how it works and helping them get to their classes. It's only a half day for everyone else, but I've got this idea in my brain that I am going to miss so much that I'll never be able to catch up. Which isn't even true, and I'm only missing two classes, but still. Tomorrow I am  going to have to control 15 Freshies all by myself for like, four hours. I don't even know how I am going to get through this. I managed to call them all without too many panic attacks and the ones I got ahold of all seem really nice but I am still completely freaking out. I hate not being able to talk to people. But I'm doing this because I LOVED my Link Leaders when I was a Freshman and they really made high school less intimidating for me. I want to have the same impact on my freshman, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to do that. What if they hate me?!
This year is definitely the year I'm going to try and break out of my anxiety. I've said that every year but this time, I'm really dedicated to joining clubs and meeting new people and making connections and strengthening the friendships I have. I didn't get to see too many people this summer, and being on my own creates all this time for the depression and insecurities to creep back in. I'm going to try really hard to stay busy busy busy this year.
On Wednesday, I'm going to go work out with my friend Natalie at her gym and I'm so excited!! The Condos my mom and I are moving into also have a workout room and I am vowing now that I will try to be in there every day right after I get home for at least a few hours before I have to start my homework. That's one of the worst things about me, my procrastination. Even now, I still haven't begun to get close to finishing my summer assignment even though I've had the entire summer. UGH. Tomorrow night is going to be hell, and I know that, but I still have no motivation to do any more work. Maybe I'll try to get the first lesson and the State Hearing Questions done but idk. Tomorrow I''m headed off to play practice right after school because my church is putting on a play this coming Saturday. Joy. Yet another place for my anxiety to grab ahold of me and squeeze.
But everyone tells me that high school is the best time of your life, so I'm going to do my best to make it that way! I feel determined!
Okay, I'm gonna go wash my belly button piercing and take another crack at my summer assignments.

Love y'all (:

Procastination

FUCKING PROCRASTINATION I HATE MYSELF FOR DOING THIS.

I'll post something longer later...

I thought about suicide again tonight. These thoughts are coming more and more often now...