NYE

It's almost the new year.

What am I doing, you ask?

Sitting here, catching up on blogs and finding new people who share this hell to follow.

The exact same thing I was doing this time last year.

Am I with my wonderful boyfriend who I love very much? No.
Am I with my friends or family celebrating my wonderful recovery? No.
Am I recovered at all, even a little bit? No.

Because every time I throw myself into recovery, I just cannot do it. I am so fat and I cannot look in the mirror without crying. I'm supposed to be thinking "this is the new, healthier me," and instead I'm thinking "I want to die".

Recovery never works out for me. When will I learn?

I guess I'm a little upset with myself. I've never been able to stick with anything for very long. Not cheer-leading, not hip hop, not yoga, not art, not writing. I was so hopeful that recovery would be the one thing I could stick with, but instead it's turning out to be my ED. Lovely.

I'm all alone on New Years Eve, researching diet plans. Jesus. My life is pathetic.

I love you all and I hope you have an incredible New Year.
Love, Lee <3

Wow it's been awhile...

Soooo yeah. Long time, no blog. I've never really been good at this. Even though I know exactly zero of the people who read this, it's still hard to come here and admit that I've failed. If I don't have something fabulous to report, why write at all? I'd much rather read the hundreds of lovely blogs I follow (yeah, hundreds. I have a spread sheet to keep track of everything. And a different spread shit with about 70 blogs that I've yet to read. I'm Type-A to a T.) I have a new computer, and let me tell you, trying to move everything over has been hell. And let's not even talk about how insane my head is right now, between the Christmas stress, the amount of cleaning I have to do in order to be able to even begin to think straight again, the books I've yet to read, trying to manage food issues, and then on top of it all, juggling a fabulous boyfriend who I may or may not really really be falling for.

I really don't know how I'm not 100028394793794 pounds by now, because I've been so freaking out of control it isn't even funny. I'm eighteen now, I'm supposed to start putting my life together, not watching it fall apart.

I failed English. As in, I have an F. As in my GPA is now 2.0, when last quarter it was a 3.5. I've had three C's in my life. And there's no explanation, I'm literally just a fuck up. I broke under the pressure, what the hell am I going to do in college??? I don't know.

I'm just broken lately.  I can barely get out of bed, and when I do, I'm so exhausted that I stumble to the couch and go back to sleep. I wake up at 6pm, and it's just another day wasted when I could have been hanging out with friends, or cleaning my crazy room and bathroom. I can't function.

The only thing that's really keeping me going is the way the scale is going down. After being stuck for so freaking long, it's finally dropping. Not quite at the rate I would like it to, of course, but it's dropping!! Soooo yay.

It's really hard to get into the holiday spirit when I feel like this, but I'm hopping to see my first goal weight by Christmas, so fingers crossed!

I love you all. I'm still here if anyone wants to rant, talk, bitch, or anything else.
Shoot me an email, leepowell28@gmail.com
<3 Lee