I'm so heartless, thoughtless, lawless and flawless, smallest regardless, largest in charge

Yeah, my title is from a Nicki Minaj song. Sue me.

So a few months ago I was emailed a complete Kayla Itsines guide by the wonderful Miss Piggy over at zerointentions, but I never got around to it. I think I glanced at it once or twice, and then tossed the idea in favor of starving and restricting. It seemed easier at the time. Fast forward to a few days ago, when I was looking through my Instagram and stumbled across Kayla Itsines account. It was full of pictures of gorgeous women and thousands of testimonials and I found myself wishing I was just like them. And then it hit me, that I had her guide. I could be like the girls on the account. I have access to the meal plans, the exercise plans, the motivation...everything. And not only that, but as I was scrolling through Kayla's Instagram, my friend peeked over my shoulder and mentioned that she, too, had the program. One thing led to another and I now have a solid work out plan and a workout buddy to do this with me.

Can you say score?

Listen. I'm so fucking sick of everything. I've hated my body since I was eleven. This entire blog is basically me bitching about it and then sitting on my ass and then wondering why I'm still so fat. Starving and restricting don't work for me. It's pretty clear that the more I deny myself food, the bigger the impending screw up is. And yet, for some reason, I keep going back to it all because I lose a few pounds within the first few days. I've tried Recovery, and I can't seem to ever stick with it. Why? Because I want the weight loss, not the ability to say I overcame something that it never looked like I had in the first place. I understand EDs are within a person's mind and go so much deeper than what people can see on the surface of our bodies, and yet, somehow, that applies to everyone else, not me. I can look at any one of the people I follow on here and my heart hurts for them because they are struggling, even if their bodies don't show it. But when it comes to myself? No. I cannot be sick unless I am underweight.

Ay yi yi.

This way of thinking is so incredibly tiring and I know the wonderful people who follow me are sick of my wavering, because I'm sick of it too.

Eve got me to thinking about the way my mind works and the way I've been approaching "healthy" and here's what figured out:

I don't think I want to lose weight. (Sidenote: of course I want to lose weight, that's been the driving force of my entire life for seven or more years. But it's not the most important thing.)
What I really want is to not jiggle. To not have to suck in every second of every day. To not have to hide my arm fat, or my thighs or anything else in super baggy clothes. I want to wear cute things. I want to be...dare I say it?  Fit.

And here's my confession. I worked out last night, as per Kayla's plan. And I took my measurements, my pictures and my weight. And when I woke up today, I snuck onto the scale, and saw that I had lost two pounds. But instead of being upset that I hadn't lost more, or immediately calculating how much I could lose, or setting goals for myself, I took a deep breath and I told myself I was excited that I was taking this first step towards being truly and honestly happy with my body.

Let's see how long this good mood lasts, okay?

I hope y'all are doing well.

<3 Lee

Man, we never had a chance

Okay, so here's the deal. I'm heavy. Like. Almost heavier than my highest weight ever. And when I started this blog, 120 was like, the end-all-be-all breaking point of my sanity. The moment I hit it, I would freak out and restrict and exercise and it was crazy. Now, I'm about fourteen pounds higher than that. Yeah. WTF.

So....yeah. Somewhere along the way, I've lost my motivation. I let myself go, I got fat.

So here we go, again. My BMI is 23.00 on the dot. By next Monday, I'd like to be lower than 22.4. That's very attainable.

Then by the 1st of March, I'd like to see below 21.7
By the 8th of March, I'd like to be below 21.00
By the 15th of March, I'd like to see below 20.3
By the 22nd of March, I'd like to see 19.6
By the 29th of March, my goal is to see 18.9

I think that thinking in BMIs will be a lot better for my own personal sanity, honestly. They're just nicer numbers.

In other news, my boyfriend and I fought in the early hours of this morning, and it was terrible and it resulted in both of us crying and wishing the other would text first, and of course, both of us being way too stubborn to. At one point, he was begging me not to shut him out, and it made me think that I'm probably so burned by what happened in my past relationships that I'm not giving him a chance to make mistakes without just completely shutting down. And that's not fair. So in the long run, we're tons better now.

I hope y'all had a lovely Valentine's Day.

Love,
Lee

Confessions and a Problem.

First, the confessions.

It's been over a month since I've taken my depression meds. I literally cry over everything now. Even the littlest things. Ugh.

I am not okay with my weight. Let's be honest here, I gave up on recovery awhile ago and trying to convince myself it's still worth it gets harder every day. It's exhausting to cry over food and the scale, and the exercise routines, and then pretend I'm fine with it all.

I am also not okay with the way my body is handling solid food lately. Anything that goes into my mouth past noon...just...stays in me. It's disgusting and nasty and I don't want to say the solution is to stop eating solid foods, but...you know, that's what it looks like.

I am not okay with how my mother assumes I'm sick because of all the fruit I've been eating, and then begins to monitor my fruit intake. Like...what?!

I am not okay with sitting in the shower and just feeling so fucking terrible that I end up sticking my fingers down my throat. I didn't get anything up, but the fact that food has that much control over me just...sucks. I don't want to pick that habit up.

On the bright side, I got to stay home today, and I spent all day shopping online.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd now I'm addicted.

It's a big problem.

Like...okay, here, look what I bought.





                                          (the green dress)

Yeah. It's not...it's not awesome. I mean, it totally is, because I cannot wait for everything to get here, but I really should not have done this...

Let's be honest. Who wants to see a fat girl in a dress?

Ugh.

All my love.
<3 Lee

I am about to embark on a journey

Yeah, the title is rather dramatic but oh well. It's accurate enough.

Since my mom recently became a new part-time worker at my town's rec center, I now I have a free pass that I intend to take full advantage of.

I used to be a competitive swimmer, and for some complicated reasons, I gave it up, but I sure do miss it every day.

So, I'm gonna get back in the swing of things, and begin to work out every day. As soon as I am done typing up this post, I'm gonna dig out every last swimming thing I own, pack a bag, put it in my car, and hopefully make it to the pool every day after school.

I'm thinking my training plan is going to be an easy mile or so to start off with, meaning:
200 warm up
100
200
300
400
500
400
300
200
100
100 sprint
200 cool down
(note: everything is in yards, because that's how my country deals with things)

This will be my first week or so, and then I'll probably add more as each week goes on.  I just love the water. It's like my second home.

Maybe I'll start my couch to 5k program, but honestly, I don't know if I should.

I've also begun packing my lunch in order to help me stay away from all the fast food my friends tend to eat.

I'm kind of nervous about this new training thing I've thought up, but honestly, all I ever do is come straight home from school and sleep, so it's not like I'm cutting into my homework time.

I love y'all.

I want to thank N and Bella for their incredibly kind words on my last post.

<3 Lee

*Edit* Major fail, I forgot to mention the most important part of all this: I will not step on a scale except for once on Saturdays.

This is going to be huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge  for me, considering I get on at least twice a day.

We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck?