Confessions and a Problem.

First, the confessions.

It's been over a month since I've taken my depression meds. I literally cry over everything now. Even the littlest things. Ugh.

I am not okay with my weight. Let's be honest here, I gave up on recovery awhile ago and trying to convince myself it's still worth it gets harder every day. It's exhausting to cry over food and the scale, and the exercise routines, and then pretend I'm fine with it all.

I am also not okay with the way my body is handling solid food lately. Anything that goes into my mouth past noon...just...stays in me. It's disgusting and nasty and I don't want to say the solution is to stop eating solid foods, but...you know, that's what it looks like.

I am not okay with how my mother assumes I'm sick because of all the fruit I've been eating, and then begins to monitor my fruit intake. Like...what?!

I am not okay with sitting in the shower and just feeling so fucking terrible that I end up sticking my fingers down my throat. I didn't get anything up, but the fact that food has that much control over me just...sucks. I don't want to pick that habit up.

On the bright side, I got to stay home today, and I spent all day shopping online.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd now I'm addicted.

It's a big problem.

Like...okay, here, look what I bought.





                                          (the green dress)

Yeah. It's not...it's not awesome. I mean, it totally is, because I cannot wait for everything to get here, but I really should not have done this...

Let's be honest. Who wants to see a fat girl in a dress?

Ugh.

All my love.
<3 Lee