I sized him up and I shot him a grin
I said, "whatcha gonna do, nick your wrist and call your girlfriend?"
He tried to smile, with tears in his eyes, he said
"It's not a joke man, it's not a joke
Tonight I'm leaving this place, I've got a knife in my car,
and when I run out of gas, I'll lay into my arm"
-Last Night On Earth by Skyfox
I haven't really posted in awhile. Honestly, I just get so caught up in reading everyone else's blogs and then I get stuck in my own head and when I finally get a second to breathe, it's been a few weeks. Oh well.
Life is going okay. I'm still pretty fat, at 125 lbs. The diet I mentioned did NOT go well, due to my bright idea of having five people sleep over for like, three days straight. But I do notice that my fat is moving around. I used to carry it in my hips, but now they seem smoother and my calves seem thicker. So it goes.
I've been going non-stop for the last few days and not really allowing myself a chance to just chill out. Concerts, friends, sleepovers, drinking, partying, etc etc, and it's honestly all just becoming too much.
My mom leaves tomorrow for a four day business trip, so that means I'll be home alone and hopefully I can get myself down to 120 at least, or maybe into the 110's. We'll see.
One of my best friends honestly really hurt me the other day with something he said and I'm struggling to get over it and not let it get to me, but it still smarts. I miss the way him and I used to be.
School starts in a week. I'm half looking forward to it, and half dreading it. My schedule is a little messy, but I got some good classes with a majority of my friends. I just don't know how often I'll get to see them outside of school. I've got three classes and an internship, but hopefully I can add an extra class so I can spend less time at my internship and more time with friends. You're supposed to enjoy senior year, right?
In two weeks I get to go see my sister, whom I love dearly, and I'm so freaking excited. She lives in Texas, which means I'm going to fly for the first time by myself, which is fucking with my anxiety, but whatever.
Back to reading and commenting!
Hope y'all are doing well
<3 Lee
Monday, July 28, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
SUCCESS
Today, I successfully convinced my mom to let me go on the Sacred Heart Diet.
More later on
<3 Lee
More later on
<3 Lee
Sunday, July 6, 2014
I feel...alright.
I am definitely NOT an exercise person. At all. But while I was scrolling through Pinterest, I happened to find these two amazing work outs that I honestly find so much fun. "Fuuuuuun?" my mother asked when I told her. Yes. Fun. Weird, right?
My metabolism has honestly just given up on me at this point. Nowadays, I can literally have nothing but an apple and when I wake up, I'll be two pounds heavier. Nothing seems to help. So it was kind of refreshing to get on my scale at all different times in my day and see that number going continuously down. It's nowhere near where I need it to be, and it's honestly such an embarrassing number, but it's at least going in the correct direction now.
I passed my AP test that I have been stressing out about for a few months now, so that's a huge relief off my shoulders. However, school is looming in the near future and I don't want to go back as fat as I was when I left. I'll cry. So, kicking my butt into high gear is the only option. I'll try to post more often, as well.
And oh my goodness, eight followers?! Thank y'all SO much!
<3 Lee
*Update: I just calculated my bmi and it is literally smack dab in the middle of the healthy range. *sigh*
My metabolism has honestly just given up on me at this point. Nowadays, I can literally have nothing but an apple and when I wake up, I'll be two pounds heavier. Nothing seems to help. So it was kind of refreshing to get on my scale at all different times in my day and see that number going continuously down. It's nowhere near where I need it to be, and it's honestly such an embarrassing number, but it's at least going in the correct direction now.
I passed my AP test that I have been stressing out about for a few months now, so that's a huge relief off my shoulders. However, school is looming in the near future and I don't want to go back as fat as I was when I left. I'll cry. So, kicking my butt into high gear is the only option. I'll try to post more often, as well.
And oh my goodness, eight followers?! Thank y'all SO much!
<3 Lee
*Update: I just calculated my bmi and it is literally smack dab in the middle of the healthy range. *sigh*
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
My babies
I am so terrified that I will pass my food issues on to my kids.
Listen. I was born to be a mother. I literally love my kids so much and they aren't even a conceivable thought yet. I want seven. I named all seven. I literally have a Pintrest board of things I will do with my children when I have them. I am, above all else, a mother. Some people don't even know what they're going to do when they're seventeen, but I already know. I'm gonna be the best damn mother. Oh, and probably a high school English teacher. Which was a decision fueled by a deep desire to spend summers with my children and also by a love of high school kids and books. So it goes.
Anyway, I know for sure that my kids will have everything they will ever need. Except I'm so freaking terrified. I know that when you're pregnant, the baby gets all the nutrients they need first, before your body does. But how much nutrients can they really get when I'm eating 500 calories a day? Will I be able to eat more for the sake of my child? God, I'd like to think so. I'll do my fucking best, that's for damn sure. How many breakdowns will that cause, I wonder?
But pregnancy is only the beginning. What happens when my kids want chocolate? I can't just go running out of the house screaming every time they put "unsafe" foods in their mouths. But it's not like I can just fear-feed them, you know? I also can't raise them as a psycho health food mom because the minute they get out of the house, they'll revel in eating everything that is "forbidden" and then they'll end up obese. Not that I won't love them, regardless of how big or small they turn out to be, but the fact of the matter is that being obese is extremely unhealthy. I don't know. I'm so scared. Kids need three meals a day plus snacks. I can't even...how do people eat three meals a day, I don't understand and this is making me hysterical.
I have to stop now.
-Lee <3
Listen. I was born to be a mother. I literally love my kids so much and they aren't even a conceivable thought yet. I want seven. I named all seven. I literally have a Pintrest board of things I will do with my children when I have them. I am, above all else, a mother. Some people don't even know what they're going to do when they're seventeen, but I already know. I'm gonna be the best damn mother. Oh, and probably a high school English teacher. Which was a decision fueled by a deep desire to spend summers with my children and also by a love of high school kids and books. So it goes.
Anyway, I know for sure that my kids will have everything they will ever need. Except I'm so freaking terrified. I know that when you're pregnant, the baby gets all the nutrients they need first, before your body does. But how much nutrients can they really get when I'm eating 500 calories a day? Will I be able to eat more for the sake of my child? God, I'd like to think so. I'll do my fucking best, that's for damn sure. How many breakdowns will that cause, I wonder?
But pregnancy is only the beginning. What happens when my kids want chocolate? I can't just go running out of the house screaming every time they put "unsafe" foods in their mouths. But it's not like I can just fear-feed them, you know? I also can't raise them as a psycho health food mom because the minute they get out of the house, they'll revel in eating everything that is "forbidden" and then they'll end up obese. Not that I won't love them, regardless of how big or small they turn out to be, but the fact of the matter is that being obese is extremely unhealthy. I don't know. I'm so scared. Kids need three meals a day plus snacks. I can't even...how do people eat three meals a day, I don't understand and this is making me hysterical.
I have to stop now.
-Lee <3
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