You're adorable as hell but I'm glancing at your wrist

I've been gone awhile, but that's so me,

I don't know what to say, really.

It's my first year of college and I'm doing okay, but it's been hard. I haven't made many friends and although I was accepted into a sorority, it doesn't really feel like I'm apart of it, you know? Although today when I walked through the house doors to grab my Big presents, they all cheered and seemed happy that I was there. It was nice, coming in to that kind of response.

This week is just a week full of presents from my Big sister, who remains anonymous until our retreat on Friday, but I'm pretty sure I know who it is and I couldn't be happier. She's the only one I've really connected with, and I work with her too, so I'm thrilled. I think I just need to be more involved.

I'm going to the doctor soon to get back on my depression medication and see if I can get something for my anxiety.

I think last I wrote, I had lost my soulmate and was dating some other guy. In August, my soulmate came back and it was a blissful month together, but ever since then we've been fighting and breaking up. This time, it's serious and I know I need to make a change. So I'm doing it. I'm gonna get better. I have this anger inside of me that I can't seem to get rid of at all, so I'll be working on that. I need him back. I know we're meant to be and watching him with someone else will kill me, especially because now I know I won't ever feel the same way about anyone as I feel about him. I love him too much to let myself destroy this.

I miss my home. I miss my mom. I miss high school, and kissing him in front of my classes, and going out to lunch with my friends and just doing stupid kid stuff. The weight of my responsibilities is crushing me. Honestly, maybe it's the anxiety and the depression talking, but sometimes I think I'd really like to die. The thought of just pure nothingness fills me with so much joy. I believe in Heaven, but if nothing happens, it's still a win/win. Of course, I won't do this. I'll schedule therapy sessions and take my meds, and just generally be a good little girl for awhile.

Truth be told, I'm fat. That's the one illness I refuse to give up. I'm convinced that I can get down to my goal weight and then just leave all of this behind. Of course I know it never ever works like that, but I'm the kind of person who needs to keep making the same mistakes over and over until it finally occurs to me that I'm an idiot.

College is hard. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I don't have the energy to do anything. Ever. I roll out of bed five minutes before I have to leave, and throw on sweatpants and a ponytail. Most days I can't bring myself to shower. I just don't have enough spoons lately*

I don't think I can do this. I'm too scared, I'm not good enough, it's too hard. But like my ex-boyfriend always says, that's quitter talk. So I'll tough it out. I'll try everything I can.

My few saving graces are that I got the best roommate ever, I have my best friend here with me, I have people to eat with every day, and I love my teachers. I may be struggling, but I have a support system.

I'm so contradictory. I don't know. I'll post again soon.

Love you all. Be well.
<3 Lee

*Spoons, for those of you who don't know, is a common metaphor for depression. The average person has an unlimited amount of spoons on any given day. But someone with depression, or really any mental illness only have about 20. Showering costs 5 spoons, remembering to eat costs 10 spoons, social interaction costs 3 spoons, putting on clothes takes 2 spoons, doing homework takes 7 spoons, getting out of bed takes 5 spoons, brushing your teeth takes 3 spoons (I'm just assigning random numbers to random things, and obviously some people have waaaay more spoons than others, I'm just giving you the general idea) and so on.

Blueberry and Orange Tea

"We make it meaningful by caring about it." -John Green

So I think I mentioned in one of the last posts that I had met the love of my life. He broke up with me. It was ugly and terrible and I miss him so fucking much. I have a new boyfriend and he's super sweet and he worships me and he's my best friend and he's been in love with me for almost the past year. I just can't help but still love my ex. He was my everything. I've been dreaming about him lately. I hate that we'll probably never see each other again. I really thought we would end up together. That's probably pretty stupid, because we're so young. But I honestly felt it in my soul that he was The One. I hate him for leaving and I hate myself even more for not being able to hate him and for pushing him away. Everything just really freaking sucks.

Anyway, I'm slllllllloooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwlllllllllllyyyyyyyyy losing. I'm 141 on the dot this morning. My boyfriend and I fight about how much I eat, and how I perceive myself and all that crap. It sucks. It sucks even more that I can't sort out my feelings about anything. I'm hiding from life, and I hate that because I swore to myself that I would be different, that I would take every chance life gave me.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

I love you all.
Thank you to Cursum Perficio, Sam Lupin, and Mandy Devoidde for your comments on my last post.  I really appreciate them.

<3 Lee

She's always screaming when she's calling her friends

My girlfriend's bitchin' cause I always sleep in
She's always screaming when she's calling her friends
She's kinda hot though
Yeah she's kinda hot though
(Just an itty bitty little bit hot)

My shrink is telling me I've got crazy dreams
She's also saying I've got low self-esteem
She's kinda hot though
Yeah she's kinda hot though
(Just an itty bitty little bit hot)

She put me on meds
She won't get out of my head
She's kinda hot though

 -5 Seconds of Summer

It's been awhile, as usual. I'm at an all time high weight, but at least I'm doing something about it. I bought a vial of hCG 1234 drops, and so far I guess they're working okay. I'm losing weight, though not as much as I hope to. 

College starts in a month and I'm so scared, but I'm also soo excited. This is a chance to reinvent myself as someone who is down for anything and who has their life together. I want to join a sorority, and in order to be pretty enough to be accepted, I'm going to have to be at least as skinny as I was when I started high school, which was a solid 22 pounds thinner than I am now. And to think, I used to think I was a monstrosity when I was 120. Ugh. How did I let myself go this much?

Anyway, I pretty much already like my classes, without even taking a day of them. I'm taking two English classes (my major), a Philosophy class (I'm so excited for this one!), a Psychology class, and a Sociology class. 

I also like my roommate, she seems pretty nice, so that's good. 

I've had 650 calories today. 142.0 at 8:00pm. Let's hope for a smaller number tomorrow.

<3 Lee

 

That's not how our song goes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mImrPBvDoFI


This is such a throw back song, but my friend D reminded me of it and I'm obsessed with it all over again (:

In recent news, I went to the doctors to get my foot checked out because it's been really bothering me, and my weight was horrendous. And I know I was wearing all my clothes and my shoes but I was still on the verge of tears the entire time. It didn't really help that the woman who took my weight wrote it as big as she possibly could on the page for everyone to see. This is as heavy as I've ever been and I don't know how to get back in control here.

I guess I'll figure it out??

I don't know.

In other news, my best friend is here from college and I'm so happy to have him home. He is staying at my house, so my mom cleaned the entire place and hung up signs saying "Welcome Home C!" I swear, he's her favorite kid lol. He hung out with my boyfriend and really seemed to like him, so that's good. He came home so he could go with me to one of our friend's surprise birthday party and it was so much fun to just be surrounded by my best friends and see her so happy. We went bowling and then back to the birthday girl's house to roast marshmallows in her backyard around her fire. It was amazing. I didn't want it to ever end, because for a night I didn't have to hate myself...

Anyways, I hope you guys are taking care of yourselves.
<3 Lee

I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

I feel like Daisy from the Great Gatsby. I don't know how many of you have read that book/seen the movie, but there is this scene where Gatsby is throwing clothes over the railing onto Daisy, and she starts crying because she is overwhelmed by the beauty of them/is a shallow bitch. I've had a pretty bad shopping addiction lately. Online shopping, in store shopping, even dreaming about shopping. It is honestly getting severely out of hand. But if I can't be pretty, at least I should have pretty things, right? Anyway, I feel like Daisy because I was gathering up all of the things I have bought in the last week and a half (including pictures of the things yet to come) and I was almost moved to tears about how wonderful everything was. It was ridiculous.

I really don't know how I'm going to make it as a starving, poor, college student. I love nice things too much.

In college news, I am stepping WAY outside of my comfort zone and attending an overnight stay at my future college (where I do not know anyone), complete with a skinny body (fingers crossed), a magnetic personality (HAHA), and hopefully the ability to make it through the day without crying (HAHAHAHAHA). As you can see, I'm soooooo looking forward to this. But in all seriousness, I think it might be good for me, and who knows, I might have the time of my life. And if it does indeed all go south, my best friend is a 15 minute drive away. Blegh.

In high school news, my wonderful, loving, maternal Psych teacher has decided she hates us and has given us FIVE huge assignments due in a month. Not just any month though, oh no, the month before we graduate. I've had Senioritis since I was a Freshman, I can already tell that this will not be going well.

In other news, I am going to actually start making use of my gym membership and attend a cycling and yoga class every night except Friday and Sunday. (I don't get out of school early enough for the Friday classes, and they are closed on Sundays.)

And finally, in relationship news, I have found my soulmate. 

Yeah. 

It's kind of hard to care about anything besides him, but you know, I'm trying. Especially after I met his mother, who by the way has 6 kids and is probably 100 pounds soaking wet. Like...how???

Anyway, I hope you girls are well, and I hope you're taking care of yourselves. I'll get caught up on blogs soon!
Love,
Lee

You got that James Dean day dream look in your eye

And I got that red lip classic thing that you like
And when we go crashing down we come back every time
Cause we never go out of style
We never go out of style

Kayla Itsines' program is honestly working pretty well. I took my measurements before I started and then again exactly one week in, and so far I've lost about 1/2 an inch everywhere except for my love handles, but hey, whatever. A half inch maybe isn't a lot to most of you, but honestly any sign that this is working for me gives me hope that I can complete the grueling exercises and terrifying eating plan. The only bad thing is that I lost 3/4 of an inch from my bust. Which, I mean, it's not like my boyfriend is a boob man anyway, but still. Why does it always have to be the boobs that go first? I think if I had one wish it would be to be able to pick where the weight comes off of. Oh well. Que sera sera, right?

Any who, I'm really looking forward to my measurements next week. I can barely walk because my thighs hurt so bad so hopefully there will be some muscle development there.

I honestly want to thank everyone for their wonderful comments on my last post. You girls honestly and completely make  my day so much better.

I hope everyone is taking care of themselves and that you're happy, whatever that looks like to you.

Love,
Lee

I'm so heartless, thoughtless, lawless and flawless, smallest regardless, largest in charge

Yeah, my title is from a Nicki Minaj song. Sue me.

So a few months ago I was emailed a complete Kayla Itsines guide by the wonderful Miss Piggy over at zerointentions, but I never got around to it. I think I glanced at it once or twice, and then tossed the idea in favor of starving and restricting. It seemed easier at the time. Fast forward to a few days ago, when I was looking through my Instagram and stumbled across Kayla Itsines account. It was full of pictures of gorgeous women and thousands of testimonials and I found myself wishing I was just like them. And then it hit me, that I had her guide. I could be like the girls on the account. I have access to the meal plans, the exercise plans, the motivation...everything. And not only that, but as I was scrolling through Kayla's Instagram, my friend peeked over my shoulder and mentioned that she, too, had the program. One thing led to another and I now have a solid work out plan and a workout buddy to do this with me.

Can you say score?

Listen. I'm so fucking sick of everything. I've hated my body since I was eleven. This entire blog is basically me bitching about it and then sitting on my ass and then wondering why I'm still so fat. Starving and restricting don't work for me. It's pretty clear that the more I deny myself food, the bigger the impending screw up is. And yet, for some reason, I keep going back to it all because I lose a few pounds within the first few days. I've tried Recovery, and I can't seem to ever stick with it. Why? Because I want the weight loss, not the ability to say I overcame something that it never looked like I had in the first place. I understand EDs are within a person's mind and go so much deeper than what people can see on the surface of our bodies, and yet, somehow, that applies to everyone else, not me. I can look at any one of the people I follow on here and my heart hurts for them because they are struggling, even if their bodies don't show it. But when it comes to myself? No. I cannot be sick unless I am underweight.

Ay yi yi.

This way of thinking is so incredibly tiring and I know the wonderful people who follow me are sick of my wavering, because I'm sick of it too.

Eve got me to thinking about the way my mind works and the way I've been approaching "healthy" and here's what figured out:

I don't think I want to lose weight. (Sidenote: of course I want to lose weight, that's been the driving force of my entire life for seven or more years. But it's not the most important thing.)
What I really want is to not jiggle. To not have to suck in every second of every day. To not have to hide my arm fat, or my thighs or anything else in super baggy clothes. I want to wear cute things. I want to be...dare I say it?  Fit.

And here's my confession. I worked out last night, as per Kayla's plan. And I took my measurements, my pictures and my weight. And when I woke up today, I snuck onto the scale, and saw that I had lost two pounds. But instead of being upset that I hadn't lost more, or immediately calculating how much I could lose, or setting goals for myself, I took a deep breath and I told myself I was excited that I was taking this first step towards being truly and honestly happy with my body.

Let's see how long this good mood lasts, okay?

I hope y'all are doing well.

<3 Lee

Man, we never had a chance

Okay, so here's the deal. I'm heavy. Like. Almost heavier than my highest weight ever. And when I started this blog, 120 was like, the end-all-be-all breaking point of my sanity. The moment I hit it, I would freak out and restrict and exercise and it was crazy. Now, I'm about fourteen pounds higher than that. Yeah. WTF.

So....yeah. Somewhere along the way, I've lost my motivation. I let myself go, I got fat.

So here we go, again. My BMI is 23.00 on the dot. By next Monday, I'd like to be lower than 22.4. That's very attainable.

Then by the 1st of March, I'd like to see below 21.7
By the 8th of March, I'd like to be below 21.00
By the 15th of March, I'd like to see below 20.3
By the 22nd of March, I'd like to see 19.6
By the 29th of March, my goal is to see 18.9

I think that thinking in BMIs will be a lot better for my own personal sanity, honestly. They're just nicer numbers.

In other news, my boyfriend and I fought in the early hours of this morning, and it was terrible and it resulted in both of us crying and wishing the other would text first, and of course, both of us being way too stubborn to. At one point, he was begging me not to shut him out, and it made me think that I'm probably so burned by what happened in my past relationships that I'm not giving him a chance to make mistakes without just completely shutting down. And that's not fair. So in the long run, we're tons better now.

I hope y'all had a lovely Valentine's Day.

Love,
Lee

Confessions and a Problem.

First, the confessions.

It's been over a month since I've taken my depression meds. I literally cry over everything now. Even the littlest things. Ugh.

I am not okay with my weight. Let's be honest here, I gave up on recovery awhile ago and trying to convince myself it's still worth it gets harder every day. It's exhausting to cry over food and the scale, and the exercise routines, and then pretend I'm fine with it all.

I am also not okay with the way my body is handling solid food lately. Anything that goes into my mouth past noon...just...stays in me. It's disgusting and nasty and I don't want to say the solution is to stop eating solid foods, but...you know, that's what it looks like.

I am not okay with how my mother assumes I'm sick because of all the fruit I've been eating, and then begins to monitor my fruit intake. Like...what?!

I am not okay with sitting in the shower and just feeling so fucking terrible that I end up sticking my fingers down my throat. I didn't get anything up, but the fact that food has that much control over me just...sucks. I don't want to pick that habit up.

On the bright side, I got to stay home today, and I spent all day shopping online.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd now I'm addicted.

It's a big problem.

Like...okay, here, look what I bought.





                                          (the green dress)

Yeah. It's not...it's not awesome. I mean, it totally is, because I cannot wait for everything to get here, but I really should not have done this...

Let's be honest. Who wants to see a fat girl in a dress?

Ugh.

All my love.
<3 Lee

I am about to embark on a journey

Yeah, the title is rather dramatic but oh well. It's accurate enough.

Since my mom recently became a new part-time worker at my town's rec center, I now I have a free pass that I intend to take full advantage of.

I used to be a competitive swimmer, and for some complicated reasons, I gave it up, but I sure do miss it every day.

So, I'm gonna get back in the swing of things, and begin to work out every day. As soon as I am done typing up this post, I'm gonna dig out every last swimming thing I own, pack a bag, put it in my car, and hopefully make it to the pool every day after school.

I'm thinking my training plan is going to be an easy mile or so to start off with, meaning:
200 warm up
100
200
300
400
500
400
300
200
100
100 sprint
200 cool down
(note: everything is in yards, because that's how my country deals with things)

This will be my first week or so, and then I'll probably add more as each week goes on.  I just love the water. It's like my second home.

Maybe I'll start my couch to 5k program, but honestly, I don't know if I should.

I've also begun packing my lunch in order to help me stay away from all the fast food my friends tend to eat.

I'm kind of nervous about this new training thing I've thought up, but honestly, all I ever do is come straight home from school and sleep, so it's not like I'm cutting into my homework time.

I love y'all.

I want to thank N and Bella for their incredibly kind words on my last post.

<3 Lee

*Edit* Major fail, I forgot to mention the most important part of all this: I will not step on a scale except for once on Saturdays.

This is going to be huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge  for me, considering I get on at least twice a day.

We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck?

Not a big deal...

My boyfriend called me fat today.

At first, I laughed it off. He was clearly joking. Then, he said "I'm sorry...actually I'm not. The truth is harsh." He was still joking, but as you can imagine, I did not take it that well.

I'm at a normal weight. My BMI is okay. I'm normal. So it's fine.

Except if it was really fine, I probably wouldn't have spent the next three and a half hours fighting back tears.

He apologized on the way to class. He picked me up after class and apologized again. He sent numerous texts. He came to see me at lunch to ask if I was okay. He walked me to class again and called me beautiful. He clearly demonstrated over and over again that he regretted what he had said, and that he thought I was the best thing to ever come into his life.

So I forgave him.

But you know, the brutally honest truth is that no one would ever think to call a skinny girl fat, even jokingly. And I'm not skinny. And I've been trying like hell to be okay with that. And maybe it isn't working.

I am so much more than my weight. But it doesn't seem like it most days.

I love him. I truly do. He is the greatest person in the world. He admits when he's wrong. He puts me and my best interests first. He thinks I hung the moon, and he is so quick to forgive and forget. He loves me so unselfishly and so much that sometimes I cannot believe he is actually mine.

He does not know about my food obsession. It is not something we have ever talked about. It was maybe mentioned once to him when my friend L said "could you please get her to eat? I've been trying for two years and she clearly doesn't listen to me." but I highly doubt he internalized that and then made the conclusion "maybe she has eating issues." I mean, what normal sane person would?

He was not saying those things to hurt me, and when it was clear that they did, he was upset. I have to keep reminding myself that this was a joke that was just meant to make me playfully mad. He could never have imagined that I would take it so personally.

I can tell myself all these things over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over but at the end of it, I just really want to stop eating.

<3 Lee

30 days

I don't really have a lot to say, weight wise, so I thought maybe I'd start this 30 letters in 30 days thing that I saw and keep it up until I got bored with it.

Day 1: Your best friend.

Day 2: Someone you secretly think is cute.

Day 3: Your parents.

Day 4: A sibling. (Or relative if you’re an only child.)

Day 5: Your dreams.

Day 6: A stranger.

Day 7: Your ex.

Day 8: Your favorite internet friend.

Day 9: Someone you wish you could meet.

Day 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to.

Day 11: Someone who died.

Day 12: The person who has caused you the most pain in your life.

Day 13: Someone you wish would forgive you.

Day 14: Someone you have drifted away from.

Day 15: The person you miss the most.

Day 16: Someone that doesn’t live in your state/country.

Day 17: Someone from your childhood.

Day 18: The person that you wish you could be.

Day 19: Someone that pesters your mind (good or bad.)

Day 20: The person that broke your heart the hardest.

Day 21: Someone you judged by first impression.

Day 22: Someone you want to give a second chance to.

Day 23: Someone who makes you laugh really hard.

Day 24: The person that gave you your favorite memory.

Day 25: A person you know is going through hard times.

Day 26: The last person you made a pinky promise to.

Day 27: The friendliest person you only knew for a day.

Day 28: Someone that changed your life.

Day 29: The person that you want to tell everything to.

Day 30: Your reflection in the mirror.

 Dear best friend,

I don't know what happened to us. I look at you, sitting beside me in Psych class, or across the lunch table and I barely recognize you. I used to tell you everything that was going on in my life, and now we're basically strangers. I get that we don't really have a lot of time to hang out anymore, and we don't walk home together, and you're in trouble academically so you spend your off period trying to graduate, but sometimes I wish that you'd make an effort. When we talk, it's strained and it's like we barely know each other, when it's been six years. You've been right by my side for so much of my ups and downs and now I don't know what to do. I want so badly to tell you about my relationship and my goals and my life in general, but I can't. I love you so completely, and I'm always going to be here for you, I just don't really know how to fix us, or even if we can be fixed. I guess growing apart is the worst way to end a friendship, because it's not like we're arguing and can talk it out. It's just something that's happening to us that is neither one of our faults. I miss you, though. I know you're going to be so successful and you'll have a wonderful life with a partner and that little Asian baby you want so badly. I wish you all the best, and hopefully we cross paths again in the future.

I love you,

Lee

Fuck. Maybe this isn't a great idea.

Headspace

Because I love to torture myself, and because my darling, lovely, kind, amazing, understanding, intelligent, funny, witty, attractive, wonderful boyfriend mentioned offhandedly that he was 150 pounds, I decided to calculate BMIs.

At 6'1", his comes out to roughly 19.79. That's normal. At 140 (just TEN pounds away*), he would be classified as underweight... Yeah.

At roughly 5'4" (5'3" 3/4) my BMI is 22.31. That is also normal. I would be classified as underweight at anything under 108 pounds. I would have to lose 15 pounds to have a lower BMI than he does. (A 19.74, which isn't even that much lower).

I KNOW if I had ever told him I had insecurities about my weight (HA, "insecurities", like that even begins to cover it) he would NEVER have mentioned that. He has no idea how crazy stuff like this makes me. He doesn't understand, because I haven't told him (I feel like that's not really a great idea, considering we're just two months in...). This is in no way, at all, even remotely his fault. But wow. The recovery half of my brain really wishes he hadn't done that. And the disordered part? Well that sees this whole thing as a challenge.

I love my boyfriend. I love his kindness, his imperfections, his level headed-ness, his amazingly sharp wit, his crazy fast, random, creative brain, and his empathy towards me.

I just don't love the fact that I'm closer to his weight than I am to my GW. (Side note: I'm pretty sure you aren't allowed to have GW when you're in recovery. Spoiler alert: I really suck at this.)

My head is in a really weird place right now.


*I know y'all can do math. I'm sorry, I just had to emphasize it... :/

Thank you to Sam and Bella. You two are so kind and wonderfully warm-hearted. I hope you (and everyone else who reads this) are doing well.
<3 Lee

Goals

Peanut butter will be the death of me.

I had celery, apples and raisins today for lunch, with a little cup of peanut butter, and let me tell you, the urge to lick that cup clean was very intense.

I feel like maybe if I fit into my dress in ten days - and it looks good on me- I will absolutely let myself have a small teaspoon of the stuff. Yum.

Speaking of dresses, winter formal is in ten days. Yeah. But since winter formal always sucks at my school, my group of friends and I aren't going. However, we are seniors and we don't want to miss out on any high school experiences because this is our last chance, so we're going to all get dressed up, take pictures, have dinner and then go bowling. I'm so excited.

I'm kind of scared to try on my dress. I haven't put it on since April of last year, and I'm so freaking nervous that I'm going to be huge. Ten days isn't a lot of time.

Nothing like having to put on a dress to make you forget all about recovery, right? Sigh.

I keep telling myself that it will be okay. And I'm trying really hard to believe it. I was talking about winter formal with my friends L and A who were describing what their dresses look like, and when they asked me about mine, I said "Oh geez, I'm gonna wear this dress that I probably have to lose ten pounds to fit into." to which A replied "Sweetie, we didn't ask about about your weight, we asked what your dress looked like..." And I was like oh...Because in my mind how I look in a dress is waaaayyyyy more important than the way the dress looks. It was a nice moment because I kind of realized that my friends are going to love me even if I don't ever lose this weight. They'll even love me if I gain weight. That's....that's just a really nice thing to realize.

I think I'll be okay.

I hope you guys are doing well.
<3 Lee

Relief

I could complain about so many things.
My pants don't fit anymore. Sometimes it's a struggle to find underwear that fits. My muffin top is huge, no matter what I wear. I still don't know how to apply eyeliner in a way that doesn't make me look like I did it in the dark. My eyes are too small. My cheeks are too big. I'm too big in general. My thighs are enormous, but sadly not the biggest area on my body. The way the fat rolls on my stomach leave lines on my skin is just freaking awesome. I don't have time to straighten my hair all the way. Everything would just be so much better if I were skinny.

But here's the thing. I read somewhere that "victims cannot be cured." I think it was in a book about PTSD, or maybe it was on a blog, or maybe it was something on Facebook. I don't know. But it stuck with me. The point they were making was that if you always play the victim, you will never have any control over your life. And I crave control. But I play victim. A LOT.
I am so stressed out, I deserve this piece of chocolate. I want to keep my friends, I HAVE to eat with them. I can't believe I didn't get a good grade on this, I spent a whole 20 minutes on it. The teacher hates me, that's why I'm failing. I don't have time in my day to do that. I'm depressed, I don't have to go to school, or do my work, or try to look presentable. I hate the way I look, but I can't fix it.

And it's all lies. It's all excuses. And it needs to stop. I go off to college in less than eight months. I cannot afford to keep this mentality.

So instead, let me tell you girls some good news.
I ate pasta today and did not over stuff myself.
I opened up to a teacher.
I had an intelligent discussion with someone who intimidates me
I saw my boyfriend and had this stunning realization I AM SO BLESSED
My mom got her new car, even though my father refused to sign the paper saying she could sell her old one
It's a nice day
My cold is subsiding
So is my weight

That's all I can think of right now.
 Hope you're having a good day.
<3 Lee

Today was a good day...

I did not weigh myself this morning. Instead, I got up, got dressed, straightened my hair, put on mascara and too-tight pants (sigh) and headed out the door. I didn't have to scrape my car as it didn't snow like it was expected to, and I should have known right then that today was going to be a good day.
I have never in my life had a new class at the start of second semester. When I sign up for my classes, I NEVER take semester courses. Coming in as a new student halfway through the year terrifies me, even though logically I know that the entire class is new, it's not just me. Today, though, I started a new class. Luckily, my boyfriend and one of my friends from a year or two ago were both in that class and the teacher is fabulous.The absolute only downside is this project we have to do about ourselves. I'm stuck. As I told my boyfriend "I'm not a person! I don't have anything that makes up who I am!" So that turned out well.
Then in second period, this girl who I hate was supposed to transfer in, and I didn't see her at all!
I enjoyed math (my worst subject) and got a really sincere compliment from my ex friend B. I almost cried at how nice and unexpected it was. Then I rode to lunch in Daniel's car (which I love doing because he drives like a maniac!) I spotted my favorite teacher in the commons, and waved her down, so she came and sat with us for awhile. She told my friend K "You are so classy. Lee...not so much. She's too much like me." I laughed so hard and decided to take that as a compliment.
J stopped by and I've always had a rocky relationship with him but I got a small hug and a funny conversation out of it.
Then it was off to my assistantship! (The teacher I was an assistant for last year was Ms. G and this year it's Ms. F) Ms. G dropped in just before her class started and asked Ms. F if I was her new assistant. Ms. F confirmed this and Ms. G said "You are so lucky! She's wonderful!" to which Ms. F said "She's my angel!" I was stunned. I take pride in being a hard worker, and that kind of praise was just amazing to hear.
Then I let my boyfriend walk me out to my car, where we spent a good thirty minutes making out and talking about our day before I made him go to class.

All in all, it was an amazing day and I can't help but think that maybe it was because I didn't have a chance to utterly destroy myself with the knowledge of my weight. I don't know. Whenever I eat anything, I have the urge to throw it up. I've never purged in my life, and I don't want to start, I just feel as though my body is working against me, crying out for me to get rid of it all.

I think that maybe the reason recovery isn't exactly working for me is because I'm an all or nothing person. Whenever I decide to throw myself into recovery, I always push myself to eat great amounts of food. And then my stomach hurts, and then I feel horrid about myself, and then I feel like I can't do recovery and then I have to prove to myself that I can by eating a terrible amount of food again, and it all just repeats in this endless cycle of fat and disappointment.

I think maybe I don't have to push myself so hard. I think that maybe I can slow down and do recovery in little bitty steps at a time. Maybe giving into my disorder now and then is okay, because then I won't have the urge to throw myself head first back into restriction and weight loss. I don't know. I'm rambling. I'm sorry.

@Christie: I'm so sorry that my blog is so difficult! Haha, maybe I'll think about changing it, I just don't want this to be seen by someone it shouldn't be, you know? I know I really need to work on sticking with things, but its so hard! Hopefully next year's New Years will be much better for us, and finds us in a much better place.

I hope everyone is doing okay!
<3 Lee