Because I love to torture myself, and because my darling, lovely, kind, amazing, understanding, intelligent, funny, witty, attractive, wonderful boyfriend mentioned offhandedly that he was 150 pounds, I decided to calculate BMIs.
At 6'1", his comes out to roughly 19.79. That's normal. At 140 (just TEN pounds away*), he would be classified as underweight... Yeah.
At roughly 5'4" (5'3" 3/4) my BMI is 22.31. That is also normal. I would be classified as underweight at anything under 108 pounds. I would have to lose 15 pounds to have a lower BMI than he does. (A 19.74, which isn't even that much lower).
I KNOW if I had ever told him I had insecurities about my weight (HA, "insecurities", like that even begins to cover it) he would NEVER have mentioned that. He has no idea how crazy stuff like this makes me. He doesn't understand, because I haven't told him (I feel like that's not really a great idea, considering we're just two months in...). This is in no way, at all, even remotely his fault. But wow. The recovery half of my brain really wishes he hadn't done that. And the disordered part? Well that sees this whole thing as a challenge.
I love my boyfriend. I love his kindness, his imperfections, his level headed-ness, his amazingly sharp wit, his crazy fast, random, creative brain, and his empathy towards me.
I just don't love the fact that I'm closer to his weight than I am to my GW. (Side note: I'm pretty sure you aren't allowed to have GW when you're in recovery. Spoiler alert: I really suck at this.)
My head is in a really weird place right now.
*I know y'all can do math. I'm sorry, I just had to emphasize it... :/
Thank you to Sam and Bella. You two are so kind and wonderfully warm-hearted. I hope you (and everyone else who reads this) are doing well.
<3 Lee
Ugh. Boyfriends can be so unintentionally triggering. My ex lost a lot of weight when I first got sick, and when he gained it back he gave me one of his belts. It was too small! I know women have bigger hips, but oh my god, I was devastated. I still have the belt. It's still never fit my hips.
ReplyDeleteI get that it might be too early for you to tell him about you eating issues, but could you even just tell him you're insecure about your weight? It might mean he holds his tongue on the subject, even if he doesn't know the extent.
<3
xxxx
oh no. damn.
ReplyDeleteshhhhhhh. don't ever do BMIs. don't. it's a headache and people think that you're small just because you weigh less than them half the time. of course, I never had the pleasure. I always weigh a lot more than I look, but that's not the point, dear.
tell him then. don't let it be a challenge. it is so relieving. my GF is around 90lbs, and she's 4'11" but I told her to measure about every single inch of her. she's got a bigger waist than I do but smaller hips. and she's shorter than me, so she looks absolutely normal somehow despite having such a small number and BMI.
I have a GW in recovery, and I also suck. it happens unfortunately. but honestly, you're small, darling. a BMI of 22.3...! my GW is somewhere around a BMI of 21.6, so it's not that far off really. <3
-Sam Lupin
also, a comment reply:
ReplyDeleteawwwwwwwww, i'm so sorry. i'd actually send you yoghurt if it didn't, you know, spoil. it's funny. don't you live in America (if not then i'll just blush and look away and pretend I didn't say it)? because they sell Fage there from what I remember.
I love you. I don't like fruit in my yoghurt but somehow, they're an exception. I'm grinning evilly as I read your comment.
"Thank you for your comment on my blog, that made my day brighter. I hope you're doing well, sweetheart. " and yours made my day brighter! i'm doing alright, thanks for asking.
-Sam Lupin
My boyfriend have lost seven kilos during the past three weeks. I gained four and now weigh seven kilos more than him. He is more than a head taller than me.
ReplyDeleteHe knows I'm dieting, but nothing about the voices in my head which tell me to starve, binge, purge, I couldn't bear the pity.
If you think he can accept it, tell him. Lying/omitting in a relationship only brings misery.
You know, things are a lot different for males than for females. Like I know that everyone knows that and it falls on deaf ears but if I was mad that I can't squat or bench as much as my dude, I would drive myself crazy. I mean, it probably helps that he's 5'11'' and more of a sturdy, muscular guy so I don't feel fat, but for real, even if he was smaller than me I would have to take in account that due to being made to have babies my body is like ahhhhhhh no, keep some of this in case of survival and stuff. Also, estrogen, also, ahem, sexy curves. If I lost 20 pounds and couldn't sport this booty, I could count weight loss as the failure. What do you do that makes you feel comfortable as you? If you can't think of something right away, think of a time when you felt kick ass, like at work or school, or doing something you love, interacting with someone you love, whatever. Take that and write down how you felt and what you were doing that you felt awesome about. When I was in recovery I had a really kind trainer come up and start working with me for free. I told him I was in recovery, we talked realistic goals and weight, food as fuel and lifting and I found that I was empowered. Exercise was a reward and a way to discipline myself in a positive way and food was part of that process. This is a wordy comment so I apologize but what I'm trying to get at is that recovery isn't just, oh, I better stop weighing myself and having these goals or these feelings. Accept them because it's the journey, but what you have to start doing is accepting the positive things about yourself. Get him in on it. Tell him what's up and ask for some qualities that attracted him to you because those are the things you portray to the world, the stuff everyone loves about you. In fact, I already love you. :D You've been some sunshine on some difficult posts and I appreciate that and hope you can appreciate yourself as well. <3
ReplyDeleteI cringe to think of how I'm slowly creeping closer and closer to my husband's weight. Men seem to have it so much easier in the weight department than we do. It's really not fair.
ReplyDelete