I could complain about so many things.
My pants don't fit anymore. Sometimes it's a struggle to find underwear that fits. My muffin top is huge, no matter what I wear. I still don't know how to apply eyeliner in a way that doesn't make me look like I did it in the dark. My eyes are too small. My cheeks are too big. I'm too big in general. My thighs are enormous, but sadly not the biggest area on my body. The way the fat rolls on my stomach leave lines on my skin is just freaking awesome. I don't have time to straighten my hair all the way. Everything would just be so much better if I were skinny.
But here's the thing. I read somewhere that "victims cannot be cured." I think it was in a book about PTSD, or maybe it was on a blog, or maybe it was something on Facebook. I don't know. But it stuck with me. The point they were making was that if you always play the victim, you will never have any control over your life. And I crave control. But I play victim. A LOT.
I am so stressed out, I deserve this piece of chocolate. I want to keep my friends, I HAVE to eat with them. I can't believe I didn't get a good grade on this, I spent a whole 20 minutes on it. The teacher hates me, that's why I'm failing. I don't have time in my day to do that. I'm depressed, I don't have to go to school, or do my work, or try to look presentable. I hate the way I look, but I can't fix it.
And it's all lies. It's all excuses. And it needs to stop. I go off to college in less than eight months. I cannot afford to keep this mentality.
So instead, let me tell you girls some good news.
I ate pasta today and did not over stuff myself.
I opened up to a teacher.
I had an intelligent discussion with someone who intimidates me
I saw my boyfriend and had this stunning realization I AM SO BLESSED
My mom got her new car, even though my father refused to sign the paper saying she could sell her old one
It's a nice day
My cold is subsiding
So is my weight
That's all I can think of right now.
Hope you're having a good day.
<3 Lee
This post deserves a thumbs up. I recently started with YES instead of NO and life is better.
ReplyDeleteand so are you. you are a beautiful thing.
ReplyDelete-Sam Lupin
PS. I remember you! of course, I do. you've disappeared for some time, and i'm glad that you're back in the community. of course, I remember you by the way. you're absolutely darling. why wouldn't I!?
PS. it ate up the first half of my comment. I had a feeling it did.
ReplyDeletewhat I said was something to the effect of i'm really glad that you were able to eat well and not be overstuffed. also, that I think it's harder to taste food when you're just focusing on eating it rather than actually thinking "how much do I need or want of this". I find that with recovery, at first - you're just like *shoves in everything* or *scared or everything* but then it just reaches this equilibrium. yes, you do have to fight for it. but it makes you a strong person. an amazing person.
you are blessed. we are all blessed. we are blessed simply for being alive. for being human. we could've been born a plank of wood. there's a one in a million chance that the egg containing the wonderful creation that is you be fertilized. the odds of you existing are one in a million. and here you are. you are SPECIAL.
life is beautiful, dear. and so are you (and that's where the other comment should come in because I forgot to add it on the first comment. gah).