Not a big deal...

My boyfriend called me fat today.

At first, I laughed it off. He was clearly joking. Then, he said "I'm sorry...actually I'm not. The truth is harsh." He was still joking, but as you can imagine, I did not take it that well.

I'm at a normal weight. My BMI is okay. I'm normal. So it's fine.

Except if it was really fine, I probably wouldn't have spent the next three and a half hours fighting back tears.

He apologized on the way to class. He picked me up after class and apologized again. He sent numerous texts. He came to see me at lunch to ask if I was okay. He walked me to class again and called me beautiful. He clearly demonstrated over and over again that he regretted what he had said, and that he thought I was the best thing to ever come into his life.

So I forgave him.

But you know, the brutally honest truth is that no one would ever think to call a skinny girl fat, even jokingly. And I'm not skinny. And I've been trying like hell to be okay with that. And maybe it isn't working.

I am so much more than my weight. But it doesn't seem like it most days.

I love him. I truly do. He is the greatest person in the world. He admits when he's wrong. He puts me and my best interests first. He thinks I hung the moon, and he is so quick to forgive and forget. He loves me so unselfishly and so much that sometimes I cannot believe he is actually mine.

He does not know about my food obsession. It is not something we have ever talked about. It was maybe mentioned once to him when my friend L said "could you please get her to eat? I've been trying for two years and she clearly doesn't listen to me." but I highly doubt he internalized that and then made the conclusion "maybe she has eating issues." I mean, what normal sane person would?

He was not saying those things to hurt me, and when it was clear that they did, he was upset. I have to keep reminding myself that this was a joke that was just meant to make me playfully mad. He could never have imagined that I would take it so personally.

I can tell myself all these things over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over but at the end of it, I just really want to stop eating.

<3 Lee