Today was a good day...

I did not weigh myself this morning. Instead, I got up, got dressed, straightened my hair, put on mascara and too-tight pants (sigh) and headed out the door. I didn't have to scrape my car as it didn't snow like it was expected to, and I should have known right then that today was going to be a good day.
I have never in my life had a new class at the start of second semester. When I sign up for my classes, I NEVER take semester courses. Coming in as a new student halfway through the year terrifies me, even though logically I know that the entire class is new, it's not just me. Today, though, I started a new class. Luckily, my boyfriend and one of my friends from a year or two ago were both in that class and the teacher is fabulous.The absolute only downside is this project we have to do about ourselves. I'm stuck. As I told my boyfriend "I'm not a person! I don't have anything that makes up who I am!" So that turned out well.
Then in second period, this girl who I hate was supposed to transfer in, and I didn't see her at all!
I enjoyed math (my worst subject) and got a really sincere compliment from my ex friend B. I almost cried at how nice and unexpected it was. Then I rode to lunch in Daniel's car (which I love doing because he drives like a maniac!) I spotted my favorite teacher in the commons, and waved her down, so she came and sat with us for awhile. She told my friend K "You are so classy. Lee...not so much. She's too much like me." I laughed so hard and decided to take that as a compliment.
J stopped by and I've always had a rocky relationship with him but I got a small hug and a funny conversation out of it.
Then it was off to my assistantship! (The teacher I was an assistant for last year was Ms. G and this year it's Ms. F) Ms. G dropped in just before her class started and asked Ms. F if I was her new assistant. Ms. F confirmed this and Ms. G said "You are so lucky! She's wonderful!" to which Ms. F said "She's my angel!" I was stunned. I take pride in being a hard worker, and that kind of praise was just amazing to hear.
Then I let my boyfriend walk me out to my car, where we spent a good thirty minutes making out and talking about our day before I made him go to class.

All in all, it was an amazing day and I can't help but think that maybe it was because I didn't have a chance to utterly destroy myself with the knowledge of my weight. I don't know. Whenever I eat anything, I have the urge to throw it up. I've never purged in my life, and I don't want to start, I just feel as though my body is working against me, crying out for me to get rid of it all.

I think that maybe the reason recovery isn't exactly working for me is because I'm an all or nothing person. Whenever I decide to throw myself into recovery, I always push myself to eat great amounts of food. And then my stomach hurts, and then I feel horrid about myself, and then I feel like I can't do recovery and then I have to prove to myself that I can by eating a terrible amount of food again, and it all just repeats in this endless cycle of fat and disappointment.

I think maybe I don't have to push myself so hard. I think that maybe I can slow down and do recovery in little bitty steps at a time. Maybe giving into my disorder now and then is okay, because then I won't have the urge to throw myself head first back into restriction and weight loss. I don't know. I'm rambling. I'm sorry.

@Christie: I'm so sorry that my blog is so difficult! Haha, maybe I'll think about changing it, I just don't want this to be seen by someone it shouldn't be, you know? I know I really need to work on sticking with things, but its so hard! Hopefully next year's New Years will be much better for us, and finds us in a much better place.

I hope everyone is doing okay!
<3 Lee