My boyfriend called me fat today.
At first, I laughed it off. He was clearly joking. Then, he said "I'm sorry...actually I'm not. The truth is harsh." He was still joking, but as you can imagine, I did not take it that well.
I'm at a normal weight. My BMI is okay. I'm normal. So it's fine.
Except if it was really fine, I probably wouldn't have spent the next three and a half hours fighting back tears.
He apologized on the way to class. He picked me up after class and apologized again. He sent numerous texts. He came to see me at lunch to ask if I was okay. He walked me to class again and called me beautiful. He clearly demonstrated over and over again that he regretted what he had said, and that he thought I was the best thing to ever come into his life.
So I forgave him.
But you know, the brutally honest truth is that no one would ever think to call a skinny girl fat, even jokingly. And I'm not skinny. And I've been trying like hell to be okay with that. And maybe it isn't working.
I am so much more than my weight. But it doesn't seem like it most days.
I love him. I truly do. He is the greatest person in the world. He admits when he's wrong. He puts me and my best interests first. He thinks I hung the moon, and he is so quick to forgive and forget. He loves me so unselfishly and so much that sometimes I cannot believe he is actually mine.
He does not know about my food obsession. It is not something we have ever talked about. It was maybe mentioned once to him when my friend L said "could you please get her to eat? I've been trying for two years and she clearly doesn't listen to me." but I highly doubt he internalized that and then made the conclusion "maybe she has eating issues." I mean, what normal sane person would?
He was not saying those things to hurt me, and when it was clear that they did, he was upset. I have to keep reminding myself that this was a joke that was just meant to make me playfully mad. He could never have imagined that I would take it so personally.
I can tell myself all these things over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over but at the end of it, I just really want to stop eating.
<3 Lee
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Friday, January 23, 2015
30 days
I don't really have a lot to say, weight wise, so I thought maybe I'd start this 30 letters in 30 days thing that I saw and keep it up until I got bored with it.
Day 1: Your best friend.
Day 2: Someone you secretly think is cute.
Day 3: Your parents.
Day 4: A sibling. (Or relative if you’re an only child.)
Day 5: Your dreams.
Day 6: A stranger.
Day 7: Your ex.
Day 8: Your favorite internet friend.
Day 9: Someone you wish you could meet.
Day 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to.
Day 11: Someone who died.
Day 12: The person who has caused you the most pain in your
life.
Day 13: Someone you wish would forgive you.
Day 14: Someone you have drifted away from.
Day 15: The person you miss the most.
Day 16: Someone that doesn’t live in your state/country.
Day 17: Someone from your childhood.
Day 18: The person that you wish you could be.
Day 19: Someone that pesters your mind (good or bad.)
Day 20: The person that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21: Someone you judged by first impression.
Day 22: Someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23: Someone who makes you laugh really hard.
Day 24: The person that gave you your favorite memory.
Day 25: A person you know is going through hard times.
Day 26: The last person you made a pinky promise to.
Day 27: The friendliest person you only knew for a day.
Day 28: Someone that changed your life.
Day 29: The person that you want to tell everything to.
Day 30: Your reflection in the mirror.
Dear best friend,
I don't know what happened to us. I look at you, sitting beside me in Psych class, or across the lunch table and I barely recognize you. I used to tell you everything that was going on in my life, and now we're basically strangers. I get that we don't really have a lot of time to hang out anymore, and we don't walk home together, and you're in trouble academically so you spend your off period trying to graduate, but sometimes I wish that you'd make an effort. When we talk, it's strained and it's like we barely know each other, when it's been six years. You've been right by my side for so much of my ups and downs and now I don't know what to do. I want so badly to tell you about my relationship and my goals and my life in general, but I can't. I love you so completely, and I'm always going to be here for you, I just don't really know how to fix us, or even if we can be fixed. I guess growing apart is the worst way to end a friendship, because it's not like we're arguing and can talk it out. It's just something that's happening to us that is neither one of our faults. I miss you, though. I know you're going to be so successful and you'll have a wonderful life with a partner and that little Asian baby you want so badly. I wish you all the best, and hopefully we cross paths again in the future.
I love you,
Lee
Fuck. Maybe this isn't a great idea.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Headspace
Because I love to torture myself, and because my darling, lovely, kind, amazing, understanding, intelligent, funny, witty, attractive, wonderful boyfriend mentioned offhandedly that he was 150 pounds, I decided to calculate BMIs.
At 6'1", his comes out to roughly 19.79. That's normal. At 140 (just TEN pounds away*), he would be classified as underweight... Yeah.
At roughly 5'4" (5'3" 3/4) my BMI is 22.31. That is also normal. I would be classified as underweight at anything under 108 pounds. I would have to lose 15 pounds to have a lower BMI than he does. (A 19.74, which isn't even that much lower).
I KNOW if I had ever told him I had insecurities about my weight (HA, "insecurities", like that even begins to cover it) he would NEVER have mentioned that. He has no idea how crazy stuff like this makes me. He doesn't understand, because I haven't told him (I feel like that's not really a great idea, considering we're just two months in...). This is in no way, at all, even remotely his fault. But wow. The recovery half of my brain really wishes he hadn't done that. And the disordered part? Well that sees this whole thing as a challenge.
I love my boyfriend. I love his kindness, his imperfections, his level headed-ness, his amazingly sharp wit, his crazy fast, random, creative brain, and his empathy towards me.
I just don't love the fact that I'm closer to his weight than I am to my GW. (Side note: I'm pretty sure you aren't allowed to have GW when you're in recovery. Spoiler alert: I really suck at this.)
My head is in a really weird place right now.
*I know y'all can do math. I'm sorry, I just had to emphasize it... :/
Thank you to Sam and Bella. You two are so kind and wonderfully warm-hearted. I hope you (and everyone else who reads this) are doing well.
<3 Lee
At 6'1", his comes out to roughly 19.79. That's normal. At 140 (just TEN pounds away*), he would be classified as underweight... Yeah.
At roughly 5'4" (5'3" 3/4) my BMI is 22.31. That is also normal. I would be classified as underweight at anything under 108 pounds. I would have to lose 15 pounds to have a lower BMI than he does. (A 19.74, which isn't even that much lower).
I KNOW if I had ever told him I had insecurities about my weight (HA, "insecurities", like that even begins to cover it) he would NEVER have mentioned that. He has no idea how crazy stuff like this makes me. He doesn't understand, because I haven't told him (I feel like that's not really a great idea, considering we're just two months in...). This is in no way, at all, even remotely his fault. But wow. The recovery half of my brain really wishes he hadn't done that. And the disordered part? Well that sees this whole thing as a challenge.
I love my boyfriend. I love his kindness, his imperfections, his level headed-ness, his amazingly sharp wit, his crazy fast, random, creative brain, and his empathy towards me.
I just don't love the fact that I'm closer to his weight than I am to my GW. (Side note: I'm pretty sure you aren't allowed to have GW when you're in recovery. Spoiler alert: I really suck at this.)
My head is in a really weird place right now.
*I know y'all can do math. I'm sorry, I just had to emphasize it... :/
Thank you to Sam and Bella. You two are so kind and wonderfully warm-hearted. I hope you (and everyone else who reads this) are doing well.
<3 Lee
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Goals
Peanut butter will be the death of me.
I had celery, apples and raisins today for lunch, with a little cup of peanut butter, and let me tell you, the urge to lick that cup clean was very intense.
I feel like maybe if I fit into my dress in ten days - and it looks good on me- I will absolutely let myself have a small teaspoon of the stuff. Yum.
Speaking of dresses, winter formal is in ten days. Yeah. But since winter formal always sucks at my school, my group of friends and I aren't going. However, we are seniors and we don't want to miss out on any high school experiences because this is our last chance, so we're going to all get dressed up, take pictures, have dinner and then go bowling. I'm so excited.
I'm kind of scared to try on my dress. I haven't put it on since April of last year, and I'm so freaking nervous that I'm going to be huge. Ten days isn't a lot of time.
Nothing like having to put on a dress to make you forget all about recovery, right? Sigh.
I keep telling myself that it will be okay. And I'm trying really hard to believe it. I was talking about winter formal with my friends L and A who were describing what their dresses look like, and when they asked me about mine, I said "Oh geez, I'm gonna wear this dress that I probably have to lose ten pounds to fit into." to which A replied "Sweetie, we didn't ask about about your weight, we asked what your dress looked like..." And I was like oh...Because in my mind how I look in a dress is waaaayyyyy more important than the way the dress looks. It was a nice moment because I kind of realized that my friends are going to love me even if I don't ever lose this weight. They'll even love me if I gain weight. That's....that's just a really nice thing to realize.
I think I'll be okay.
I hope you guys are doing well.
<3 Lee
I had celery, apples and raisins today for lunch, with a little cup of peanut butter, and let me tell you, the urge to lick that cup clean was very intense.
I feel like maybe if I fit into my dress in ten days - and it looks good on me- I will absolutely let myself have a small teaspoon of the stuff. Yum.
Speaking of dresses, winter formal is in ten days. Yeah. But since winter formal always sucks at my school, my group of friends and I aren't going. However, we are seniors and we don't want to miss out on any high school experiences because this is our last chance, so we're going to all get dressed up, take pictures, have dinner and then go bowling. I'm so excited.
I'm kind of scared to try on my dress. I haven't put it on since April of last year, and I'm so freaking nervous that I'm going to be huge. Ten days isn't a lot of time.
Nothing like having to put on a dress to make you forget all about recovery, right? Sigh.
I keep telling myself that it will be okay. And I'm trying really hard to believe it. I was talking about winter formal with my friends L and A who were describing what their dresses look like, and when they asked me about mine, I said "Oh geez, I'm gonna wear this dress that I probably have to lose ten pounds to fit into." to which A replied "Sweetie, we didn't ask about about your weight, we asked what your dress looked like..." And I was like oh...Because in my mind how I look in a dress is waaaayyyyy more important than the way the dress looks. It was a nice moment because I kind of realized that my friends are going to love me even if I don't ever lose this weight. They'll even love me if I gain weight. That's....that's just a really nice thing to realize.
I think I'll be okay.
I hope you guys are doing well.
<3 Lee
Friday, January 9, 2015
Relief
I could complain about so many things.
My pants don't fit anymore. Sometimes it's a struggle to find underwear that fits. My muffin top is huge, no matter what I wear. I still don't know how to apply eyeliner in a way that doesn't make me look like I did it in the dark. My eyes are too small. My cheeks are too big. I'm too big in general. My thighs are enormous, but sadly not the biggest area on my body. The way the fat rolls on my stomach leave lines on my skin is just freaking awesome. I don't have time to straighten my hair all the way. Everything would just be so much better if I were skinny.
But here's the thing. I read somewhere that "victims cannot be cured." I think it was in a book about PTSD, or maybe it was on a blog, or maybe it was something on Facebook. I don't know. But it stuck with me. The point they were making was that if you always play the victim, you will never have any control over your life. And I crave control. But I play victim. A LOT.
I am so stressed out, I deserve this piece of chocolate. I want to keep my friends, I HAVE to eat with them. I can't believe I didn't get a good grade on this, I spent a whole 20 minutes on it. The teacher hates me, that's why I'm failing. I don't have time in my day to do that. I'm depressed, I don't have to go to school, or do my work, or try to look presentable. I hate the way I look, but I can't fix it.
And it's all lies. It's all excuses. And it needs to stop. I go off to college in less than eight months. I cannot afford to keep this mentality.
So instead, let me tell you girls some good news.
I ate pasta today and did not over stuff myself.
I opened up to a teacher.
I had an intelligent discussion with someone who intimidates me
I saw my boyfriend and had this stunning realization I AM SO BLESSED
My mom got her new car, even though my father refused to sign the paper saying she could sell her old one
It's a nice day
My cold is subsiding
So is my weight
That's all I can think of right now.
Hope you're having a good day.
<3 Lee
My pants don't fit anymore. Sometimes it's a struggle to find underwear that fits. My muffin top is huge, no matter what I wear. I still don't know how to apply eyeliner in a way that doesn't make me look like I did it in the dark. My eyes are too small. My cheeks are too big. I'm too big in general. My thighs are enormous, but sadly not the biggest area on my body. The way the fat rolls on my stomach leave lines on my skin is just freaking awesome. I don't have time to straighten my hair all the way. Everything would just be so much better if I were skinny.
But here's the thing. I read somewhere that "victims cannot be cured." I think it was in a book about PTSD, or maybe it was on a blog, or maybe it was something on Facebook. I don't know. But it stuck with me. The point they were making was that if you always play the victim, you will never have any control over your life. And I crave control. But I play victim. A LOT.
I am so stressed out, I deserve this piece of chocolate. I want to keep my friends, I HAVE to eat with them. I can't believe I didn't get a good grade on this, I spent a whole 20 minutes on it. The teacher hates me, that's why I'm failing. I don't have time in my day to do that. I'm depressed, I don't have to go to school, or do my work, or try to look presentable. I hate the way I look, but I can't fix it.
And it's all lies. It's all excuses. And it needs to stop. I go off to college in less than eight months. I cannot afford to keep this mentality.
So instead, let me tell you girls some good news.
I ate pasta today and did not over stuff myself.
I opened up to a teacher.
I had an intelligent discussion with someone who intimidates me
I saw my boyfriend and had this stunning realization I AM SO BLESSED
My mom got her new car, even though my father refused to sign the paper saying she could sell her old one
It's a nice day
My cold is subsiding
So is my weight
That's all I can think of right now.
Hope you're having a good day.
<3 Lee
Monday, January 5, 2015
Today was a good day...
I did not weigh myself this morning. Instead, I got up, got dressed, straightened my hair, put on mascara and too-tight pants (sigh) and headed out the door. I didn't have to scrape my car as it didn't snow like it was expected to, and I should have known right then that today was going to be a good day.
I have never in my life had a new class at the start of second semester. When I sign up for my classes, I NEVER take semester courses. Coming in as a new student halfway through the year terrifies me, even though logically I know that the entire class is new, it's not just me. Today, though, I started a new class. Luckily, my boyfriend and one of my friends from a year or two ago were both in that class and the teacher is fabulous.The absolute only downside is this project we have to do about ourselves. I'm stuck. As I told my boyfriend "I'm not a person! I don't have anything that makes up who I am!" So that turned out well.
Then in second period, this girl who I hate was supposed to transfer in, and I didn't see her at all!
I enjoyed math (my worst subject) and got a really sincere compliment from my ex friend B. I almost cried at how nice and unexpected it was. Then I rode to lunch in Daniel's car (which I love doing because he drives like a maniac!) I spotted my favorite teacher in the commons, and waved her down, so she came and sat with us for awhile. She told my friend K "You are so classy. Lee...not so much. She's too much like me." I laughed so hard and decided to take that as a compliment.
J stopped by and I've always had a rocky relationship with him but I got a small hug and a funny conversation out of it.
Then it was off to my assistantship! (The teacher I was an assistant for last year was Ms. G and this year it's Ms. F) Ms. G dropped in just before her class started and asked Ms. F if I was her new assistant. Ms. F confirmed this and Ms. G said "You are so lucky! She's wonderful!" to which Ms. F said "She's my angel!" I was stunned. I take pride in being a hard worker, and that kind of praise was just amazing to hear.
Then I let my boyfriend walk me out to my car, where we spent a good thirty minutes making out and talking about our day before I made him go to class.
All in all, it was an amazing day and I can't help but think that maybe it was because I didn't have a chance to utterly destroy myself with the knowledge of my weight. I don't know. Whenever I eat anything, I have the urge to throw it up. I've never purged in my life, and I don't want to start, I just feel as though my body is working against me, crying out for me to get rid of it all.
I think that maybe the reason recovery isn't exactly working for me is because I'm an all or nothing person. Whenever I decide to throw myself into recovery, I always push myself to eat great amounts of food. And then my stomach hurts, and then I feel horrid about myself, and then I feel like I can't do recovery and then I have to prove to myself that I can by eating a terrible amount of food again, and it all just repeats in this endless cycle of fat and disappointment.
I think maybe I don't have to push myself so hard. I think that maybe I can slow down and do recovery in little bitty steps at a time. Maybe giving into my disorder now and then is okay, because then I won't have the urge to throw myself head first back into restriction and weight loss. I don't know. I'm rambling. I'm sorry.
@Christie: I'm so sorry that my blog is so difficult! Haha, maybe I'll think about changing it, I just don't want this to be seen by someone it shouldn't be, you know? I know I really need to work on sticking with things, but its so hard! Hopefully next year's New Years will be much better for us, and finds us in a much better place.
I hope everyone is doing okay!
<3 Lee
I have never in my life had a new class at the start of second semester. When I sign up for my classes, I NEVER take semester courses. Coming in as a new student halfway through the year terrifies me, even though logically I know that the entire class is new, it's not just me. Today, though, I started a new class. Luckily, my boyfriend and one of my friends from a year or two ago were both in that class and the teacher is fabulous.The absolute only downside is this project we have to do about ourselves. I'm stuck. As I told my boyfriend "I'm not a person! I don't have anything that makes up who I am!" So that turned out well.
Then in second period, this girl who I hate was supposed to transfer in, and I didn't see her at all!
I enjoyed math (my worst subject) and got a really sincere compliment from my ex friend B. I almost cried at how nice and unexpected it was. Then I rode to lunch in Daniel's car (which I love doing because he drives like a maniac!) I spotted my favorite teacher in the commons, and waved her down, so she came and sat with us for awhile. She told my friend K "You are so classy. Lee...not so much. She's too much like me." I laughed so hard and decided to take that as a compliment.
J stopped by and I've always had a rocky relationship with him but I got a small hug and a funny conversation out of it.
Then it was off to my assistantship! (The teacher I was an assistant for last year was Ms. G and this year it's Ms. F) Ms. G dropped in just before her class started and asked Ms. F if I was her new assistant. Ms. F confirmed this and Ms. G said "You are so lucky! She's wonderful!" to which Ms. F said "She's my angel!" I was stunned. I take pride in being a hard worker, and that kind of praise was just amazing to hear.
Then I let my boyfriend walk me out to my car, where we spent a good thirty minutes making out and talking about our day before I made him go to class.
All in all, it was an amazing day and I can't help but think that maybe it was because I didn't have a chance to utterly destroy myself with the knowledge of my weight. I don't know. Whenever I eat anything, I have the urge to throw it up. I've never purged in my life, and I don't want to start, I just feel as though my body is working against me, crying out for me to get rid of it all.
I think that maybe the reason recovery isn't exactly working for me is because I'm an all or nothing person. Whenever I decide to throw myself into recovery, I always push myself to eat great amounts of food. And then my stomach hurts, and then I feel horrid about myself, and then I feel like I can't do recovery and then I have to prove to myself that I can by eating a terrible amount of food again, and it all just repeats in this endless cycle of fat and disappointment.
I think maybe I don't have to push myself so hard. I think that maybe I can slow down and do recovery in little bitty steps at a time. Maybe giving into my disorder now and then is okay, because then I won't have the urge to throw myself head first back into restriction and weight loss. I don't know. I'm rambling. I'm sorry.
@Christie: I'm so sorry that my blog is so difficult! Haha, maybe I'll think about changing it, I just don't want this to be seen by someone it shouldn't be, you know? I know I really need to work on sticking with things, but its so hard! Hopefully next year's New Years will be much better for us, and finds us in a much better place.
I hope everyone is doing okay!
<3 Lee
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