My friend has this sticky note pinned above her desk that has a quote from The Killers written on it. It says "I'm so much older than I can take" and if that doesn't sum things up, I don't know what will.
I am so tired.
I am so tired of living in this body in this world that can't ever seem to get anything right. I am too large, too loud, too awkward, generally just not enough and too much all at once.
I live with someone who is basically my sister reincarnated. It's really weird and it makes me miss her sometimes. She calls, but I never answer because how am I supposed to tell her "Sorry I never came to see you when your baby died. I was busy trying to kill myself." She'd go nuts. She'd call my parents screaming and that's the last thing I need.
I am so weary.
I'm finally getting my life together, but it's like I'm still missing out on so much.
My sleep schedule is mostly okay now, but I didn't sleep well last night and therefore accidentally slept through my gym time this evening. That wasn't fun. But I did buy myself a book that I've been waiting for forever. It got released today and since I was already in the town that the nearest bookstore is in (a good 16 miles away from where I live), I bought it.
Long story short, from the book, I got a tattoo idea and a bunch of signs from the universe that I'm supposed to go to Portland soon. I'm real big on following signs from the universe, so I'll probably go with some friends next summer.
I don't want to step on the scale, but I also can't just...not. So. There's that. I'm gonna take my body measurements and do some before pictures pretty soon. Maybe I'll post them. We'll see.
This post was everywhere, but I'm just trying to get back in the swing of posting things so that's okay.
Hope y'all are doing okay.
<3 Lee
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Thursday, September 1, 2016
I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack
Hey y'all! I'm just gonna start by jumping right into what I've been up to the last few months.
Last year was my Freshman year of college, and I had a blast for awhile there, but eventually everything fell apart as usual. I had a good friend, and a nephew both die and that destroyed me. My grandpa was having health problems, I broke with a few good friends (for the better!), and it all resulted in me not ever attending class second semester. So. I failed all those classes and having never failed anything in my life, that was pretty fucking terrible y'all. But it's okay, I'm back and I'm doing okay.
I live in a house with three other girls and I HATE one of them. I'll call her L. Oh my God. Shoot me. One of them is EXACTLY like my sister (A)and let me tell you, it's real weird living with her. She constantly yells at our other roommate K., which makes me feel bad for K. But it's a roof over my head so that's good.
I'm trying to drop out of my sorority for various reasons but the girl who's in charge of processing that basically told me "If you stay for another year, you can be Alum, and during this year you won't have to pay dues or go to any events or anything". Uhm. Okay? Sounds good??
I'm starting a fitness plan soon (I know, I know, when AREN'T I starting a fitness plan, right?) But I think this time it'll be for real (quit laughing) because my best friend and I are going to hike this incline that is basically 2,744 stairs straight up a mountain sooooo if I don't follow through on this plan, that's for real going to suck. Let's hope it sticks.
I'm heavier than I've ever been in my entire life so there's that.
I had this terrible break up awhile ago and it's still fucking me up, but I think I'm finally starting to heal from it.
I'm taking this dance class as one of my courses at college and I was pretty worried about it because I am in no way physically fit at all, but it's actually super fun, all the people are nice, and I nailed my choreography last class which is something I have tons of trouble with so yay me!
I've been super on top of my homework and I think this semester is going to be really good for me. I live about 5 minutes walking distance away from a counseling center so I'm thinking of going back to therapy. It's so close, I kind of don't have a reason not to. The only thing stopping me from doing it is this deal I've made with myself that if I go back to therapy I have to actually work through my issues instead of doing what I normally do and pretend like I'm fine. The truth is, I know exactly why I'm so fucked up. I just can't bear admitting it out loud. If I go back, I'm going to have to remember something I spent a long time and a huge amount of energy trying to forget. So...Idk but I'll make a decision soon.
I also tried to kill myself on April 4th, and soon after my mom got me a dog so that was unexpected. She doesn't live with me at my house though, she stays with my mom and I really miss her.
Anyway, I'm glossing over a lot of things, but I'm just real excited to be back. I hope everyone has been doing real well.
Love y'all
<3 Lee
Last year was my Freshman year of college, and I had a blast for awhile there, but eventually everything fell apart as usual. I had a good friend, and a nephew both die and that destroyed me. My grandpa was having health problems, I broke with a few good friends (for the better!), and it all resulted in me not ever attending class second semester. So. I failed all those classes and having never failed anything in my life, that was pretty fucking terrible y'all. But it's okay, I'm back and I'm doing okay.
I live in a house with three other girls and I HATE one of them. I'll call her L. Oh my God. Shoot me. One of them is EXACTLY like my sister (A)and let me tell you, it's real weird living with her. She constantly yells at our other roommate K., which makes me feel bad for K. But it's a roof over my head so that's good.
I'm trying to drop out of my sorority for various reasons but the girl who's in charge of processing that basically told me "If you stay for another year, you can be Alum, and during this year you won't have to pay dues or go to any events or anything". Uhm. Okay? Sounds good??
I'm starting a fitness plan soon (I know, I know, when AREN'T I starting a fitness plan, right?) But I think this time it'll be for real (quit laughing) because my best friend and I are going to hike this incline that is basically 2,744 stairs straight up a mountain sooooo if I don't follow through on this plan, that's for real going to suck. Let's hope it sticks.
I'm heavier than I've ever been in my entire life so there's that.
I had this terrible break up awhile ago and it's still fucking me up, but I think I'm finally starting to heal from it.
I'm taking this dance class as one of my courses at college and I was pretty worried about it because I am in no way physically fit at all, but it's actually super fun, all the people are nice, and I nailed my choreography last class which is something I have tons of trouble with so yay me!
I've been super on top of my homework and I think this semester is going to be really good for me. I live about 5 minutes walking distance away from a counseling center so I'm thinking of going back to therapy. It's so close, I kind of don't have a reason not to. The only thing stopping me from doing it is this deal I've made with myself that if I go back to therapy I have to actually work through my issues instead of doing what I normally do and pretend like I'm fine. The truth is, I know exactly why I'm so fucked up. I just can't bear admitting it out loud. If I go back, I'm going to have to remember something I spent a long time and a huge amount of energy trying to forget. So...Idk but I'll make a decision soon.
I also tried to kill myself on April 4th, and soon after my mom got me a dog so that was unexpected. She doesn't live with me at my house though, she stays with my mom and I really miss her.
Anyway, I'm glossing over a lot of things, but I'm just real excited to be back. I hope everyone has been doing real well.
Love y'all
<3 Lee
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