NYE

It's almost the new year.

What am I doing, you ask?

Sitting here, catching up on blogs and finding new people who share this hell to follow.

The exact same thing I was doing this time last year.

Am I with my wonderful boyfriend who I love very much? No.
Am I with my friends or family celebrating my wonderful recovery? No.
Am I recovered at all, even a little bit? No.

Because every time I throw myself into recovery, I just cannot do it. I am so fat and I cannot look in the mirror without crying. I'm supposed to be thinking "this is the new, healthier me," and instead I'm thinking "I want to die".

Recovery never works out for me. When will I learn?

I guess I'm a little upset with myself. I've never been able to stick with anything for very long. Not cheer-leading, not hip hop, not yoga, not art, not writing. I was so hopeful that recovery would be the one thing I could stick with, but instead it's turning out to be my ED. Lovely.

I'm all alone on New Years Eve, researching diet plans. Jesus. My life is pathetic.

I love you all and I hope you have an incredible New Year.
Love, Lee <3

Wow it's been awhile...

Soooo yeah. Long time, no blog. I've never really been good at this. Even though I know exactly zero of the people who read this, it's still hard to come here and admit that I've failed. If I don't have something fabulous to report, why write at all? I'd much rather read the hundreds of lovely blogs I follow (yeah, hundreds. I have a spread sheet to keep track of everything. And a different spread shit with about 70 blogs that I've yet to read. I'm Type-A to a T.) I have a new computer, and let me tell you, trying to move everything over has been hell. And let's not even talk about how insane my head is right now, between the Christmas stress, the amount of cleaning I have to do in order to be able to even begin to think straight again, the books I've yet to read, trying to manage food issues, and then on top of it all, juggling a fabulous boyfriend who I may or may not really really be falling for.

I really don't know how I'm not 100028394793794 pounds by now, because I've been so freaking out of control it isn't even funny. I'm eighteen now, I'm supposed to start putting my life together, not watching it fall apart.

I failed English. As in, I have an F. As in my GPA is now 2.0, when last quarter it was a 3.5. I've had three C's in my life. And there's no explanation, I'm literally just a fuck up. I broke under the pressure, what the hell am I going to do in college??? I don't know.

I'm just broken lately.  I can barely get out of bed, and when I do, I'm so exhausted that I stumble to the couch and go back to sleep. I wake up at 6pm, and it's just another day wasted when I could have been hanging out with friends, or cleaning my crazy room and bathroom. I can't function.

The only thing that's really keeping me going is the way the scale is going down. After being stuck for so freaking long, it's finally dropping. Not quite at the rate I would like it to, of course, but it's dropping!! Soooo yay.

It's really hard to get into the holiday spirit when I feel like this, but I'm hopping to see my first goal weight by Christmas, so fingers crossed!

I love you all. I'm still here if anyone wants to rant, talk, bitch, or anything else.
Shoot me an email, leepowell28@gmail.com
<3 Lee

Quotes

EVERY MORNING I SIT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE OVER A TALL GLASS OF WATER SWALLOWING PILLS. (SO MY HANDS WON’T SHAKE) (SO MY HEART WON’T RACE) (SO MY FACE WON’T THAW) (SO MY BLOOD WON’T MOLD) (SO THE VOICES WON’T SCREAM) (SO I DON’T REACH FOR KNIVES) (SO I KEEP OUT OF THE OVEN) (SO I EAT EVERY MORSEL.) (SO THE WINE GOES BITTER) (SO I REMEMBER THE LAUNDRY) (SO I REMEMBER TO CALL) (SO I REMEMBER THE NAME OF EACH PILL) (SO I REMEMBER THE NAME OF EACH SICKNESS) (SO I KEEP MY HANDS INSIDE MY HANDS) (SO THE CITY WON’T RATTLE) (SO I DON’T WEEP ON THE BUS) (SO I DON’T WANDER THE GUARDRAIL) (SO THE FLASHBACKS GO QUIET) (SO THE INSOMNIA SLEEPS) (SO I DON’T JUMP AT CAR HORNS) (SO I DON’T JUMP AT CAT-CALLS) (SO I DON’T JUMP A BRIDGE) (SO I DON’T TWITCH) (SO I DON’T RIOT) (SO I DON’T SLIT A STRANGE MAN’S THROAT).

—JEANANN VERLEE

 

"You look healthy.
And by that I don’t mean you look fat.
I mean your face isn’t grey any more, the circles under your eyes aren’t so dark. Your lips aren’t cracked and dry and your hair isn’t thinning and brittle. I mean you seem more focused when I talk to you, You actually look at me and listen rather than being so unable to stay still or think about anything other than your illness that your eyes dart around the room and you nod manically the whole time I’m speaking. You seem calmer, stiller, quieter. You’re easier to have a joke with and you take things on board much more than you used to.
I mean you laugh now, you’re less serious. There’s life about you, it’s in your eyes and your smile, it’s in the way you speak and even in the way you go about your daily tasks. 
You look healthy. You look happy. It really, really suits you."

 

(Disclaimer: both of these were stolen from the lovely ruby at http://andthenshedisappeared.blogspot.com/) 

Not A Good Day

I spent the weekend up in a college town to spend time with my very best friend, who goes to school up there. Everything was all good on Saturday, but then took a turn for the worst on Sunday, when I woke up and couldn't swallow without immense pain. Every time my clothes touched my skin there was a searing pain, every muscle in my body ached, my head was pounding and I could not get warm. Monday, I woke up, dragged myself to school (it was only 2 class periods) and then came home. My mom got me an appointment for 1:30 and I proceeded to spend two and a half hours there. It was horrible.

My temperature started out at 102.3

Does she have pneumonia? No, her lungs don't sound right and her oxygen levels are fine.
How about strep? No, her tests came back negative.

Let's examine her more-her temp is now 103

When I push on her belly, she complains that it hurts.
Maybe it's a UTI? Here, pee in this cup.

What about the start of Influenza?
We can't test for that here...

Hmmm maybe we should give her some pills.

Alright, go get your blood drawn so we can figure it out.
Your white blood cell counts are fine...
Temp- 99.9

There's nothing more we can do here, so we'll call in the morning with your test results.  Until then, here, take this antibiotic and if you break out in a rash from head to toe, that's a clear sign that it's mono! Have a great day!

I may or may not have cried four times during the two and a half hours.

OH! And the best part? When I stepped onto the doctor's scale, it was 133.5. The highest I think I've ever been. Let. Me. Die.

I'm just really overwhelmed right now. I never do well when I'm sick.
Tomorrow I have a meeting with a lady from one of my top college choices so I'm hoping I at least don't throw up all over her, or start shaking like I'm some sort of freak.

At least I have the next two days of school off. Yay for being a senior.

Hope the rest of y'all are doing better than me.

Love,
Lee

Chavez

Today a man came into my Psychology class and gave us an inspirational speech.

I've heard inspirational speeches thousands of times. I went through this period last year where those were all I would listen to. But I've never internalized any of them. Until now.

He told us all about his life, about being raised as a Mexican Jew and all the shit he took for that. About his dad dying when he was two months old. About being molested, and picked on, and beaten day after day. About how he looked at the gang-bangers in his family and wanted to be them. About being arrested, doing drugs, cheating on his first wife, being kicked out of two colleges and then dropping out of two colleges. And he just kept repeating "I am so grateful for these things that happened to me." And I cried.

Just one tear.

I was raped in the seventh grade by a girl. Not only did I experience the shame of the rape, but also the shame of the homosexual implications. I am not gay, and although I am a full supporter of the LGBTQ community, it took me until Junior year to stop being suspicious and wary of lesbians because of that experience.

This man, he looked right at me and said "When you are angry, when you refuse to forgive someone for something they have done, that's you handcuffing yourself to that person and letting them tag along with you for the rest of your life. You have to overcome the bitterness."

But what if I can't??

He told us this story about these two brothers who were raised by an abusive father. The father was an alcoholic and drug addict, basically stereotypical dead beat dad. And one of his kids turned out just like him. And the other was a straight-A, happy, healthy man. They were interviewed on the same day, at the same time, in two seperate rooms and they were both asked "Why do you think you turned out like this?" And they both answered "With a father like mine, what did you expect?"

I think that's so powerful.

He said "everyday, you are one step closer to becoming one of those men. Who are you going to be?" And right now? Right now I'm going to be the first man. I am so angry all the time. I don't take my pills because they don't let me feel anything and sometimes, I get this deep ache in the bottom of my stomach and I just miss being angry. Which is fucked up. I get that. I know. But I can't let it go. Sometimes I can't even think about anything but all this anger that's inside of me so I just start drinking, and then I turn into an angry drunk and then I always get this earth shattering revelation that I am just like my father and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm angry at my rapist, I'm angry at the detective who told me "People in the LGBTQ community aren't capable of rape." I'm angry at my father for telling me he loved me for the first time in 15 years because he felt guilty about my silence. I'm angry at my mom for letting me be raised in the type of household that I grew up in. I'm angry at my friends for never asking if I'm okay. I'm angry at this guy, who I've never even fucking heard of before today coming in and turning my entire world upside fucking down.

And I'm scared.

I'm scared that the minute I have to live alone, I'll off myself.

I want my seven children. I want my beautiful wedding and my college degree, and my own house and a car that I bought by myself and a steady, amazing job, but I can't see passed all this anger inside of me. I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to unhand-cuff myself.

<3Lee

P.S. I really want to thank Bella, Christie and Depressed Skinny Mess for your kind words. Thank you. You brightened my day <3

Back?

As y'all have probably guessed, I'm a very sporadic person. I've never been able to stick with one thing for very long, so just love me through the long stretches between my posts.

Let's see. What's been happening...

My BMI is 22.1 which is so embarrassing. Most days I don't even wanna get out of bed.

My "best friend" told me that she knowingly lied to get my rape case dismissed and that I deserved what that girl did to me.

My sister's ex-boyfriend's family told her abusive ex-husband where she lives, and since he's been looking for her since he got out of jail, her life is basically in danger.

I have a new guy in my life and he's wonderful but I don't think he'll stay. I keep telling myself that it's my senior year, I don't want a boyfriend that I'll just have to leave in a few months anyway, but sometimes when we're talking, I imagine what our relationship could be like. This kid has no idea how fucked up I am, but he's so...good, and I don't wanna taint that with my imperfections.

I'm so stressed out and angry inside. I thought I had accepted what happened to me, and the results that came out of it. But hearing my ex-best friend tell me that she knowingly lied to the detective to get my case dismissed was so fucking heart breaking and all the pain from the last few years is washing over me again.

My mother is so fucking livid. She considered her a daughter, and this is a betrayal to both of us.

Last Friday was the one year anniversary of my mom and I's moving out. Time flies. This year has definitely not been easy for either of us, but we got through it.

I'm not sure what else to say...

On the bright side, I've been accepted into three of the five colleges I applied to so far....so that's nice!

I hope y'all are doing good!
<3 Lee

I'm just a voodoo doll

I sized him up and I shot him a grin
I said, "whatcha gonna do, nick your wrist and call your girlfriend?"
He tried to smile, with tears in his eyes, he said
"It's not a joke man, it's not a joke
Tonight I'm leaving this place, I've got a knife in my car, 
and when I run out of gas, I'll lay into my arm"
-Last Night On Earth by Skyfox

I haven't really posted in awhile. Honestly, I just get so caught up in reading everyone else's blogs and then I get stuck in my own head and when I finally get a second to breathe, it's been a few weeks. Oh well.

Life is going okay. I'm still pretty fat, at 125 lbs. The diet I mentioned did NOT go well, due to my bright idea of having five people sleep over for like, three days straight. But I do notice that my fat is moving around. I used to carry it in my hips, but now they seem smoother and my calves seem thicker. So it goes.

I've been going non-stop for the last few days and not really allowing myself a chance to just chill out. Concerts, friends, sleepovers, drinking, partying, etc etc, and it's honestly all just becoming too much.

My mom leaves tomorrow for a four day business trip, so that means I'll be home alone and hopefully I can get myself down to 120 at least, or maybe into the 110's. We'll see.

One of my best friends honestly really hurt me the other day with something he said and I'm struggling to get over it and not let it get to me, but it still smarts. I miss the way him and I used to be.

School starts in a week. I'm half looking forward to it, and half dreading it. My schedule is a little messy, but I got some good classes with a majority of my friends. I just don't know how often I'll get to see them outside of school. I've got three classes and an internship, but hopefully I can add an extra class so I can spend less time at my internship and more time with friends. You're supposed to enjoy senior year, right?

In two weeks I get to go see my sister, whom I love dearly, and I'm so freaking excited. She lives in Texas, which means I'm going to fly for the first time by myself, which is fucking with my anxiety, but whatever.

Back to reading and commenting!
Hope y'all are doing well
<3 Lee

SUCCESS

Today, I successfully convinced my mom to let me go on the Sacred Heart Diet.

More later on

<3 Lee

I feel...alright.

I am definitely NOT an exercise person. At all. But while I was scrolling through Pinterest, I happened to find these two amazing work outs that I honestly find so much fun. "Fuuuuuun?" my mother asked when I told her. Yes. Fun. Weird, right?

My metabolism has honestly just given up on me at this point. Nowadays, I can literally have nothing but an apple and when I wake up, I'll be two pounds heavier. Nothing seems to help. So it was kind of refreshing to get on my scale at all different times in my day and see that number going continuously down. It's nowhere near where I need it to be, and it's honestly such an embarrassing number, but it's at least going in the correct direction now.

I passed my AP test that I have been stressing out about for a few months now, so that's a huge relief off my shoulders. However, school is looming in the near future and I don't want to go back as fat as I was when I left. I'll cry. So, kicking my butt into high gear is the only option. I'll try to post more often, as well.

And oh my goodness, eight followers?! Thank y'all SO much!

<3 Lee

*Update: I just calculated my bmi and it is literally smack dab in the middle of the healthy range. *sigh*

My babies

I am so terrified that I will pass my food issues on to my kids.

Listen. I was born to be a mother. I literally love my kids so much and they aren't even a conceivable thought yet. I want seven. I named all seven. I literally have a Pintrest board of things I will do with my children when I have them. I am, above all else, a mother. Some people don't even know what they're going to do when they're seventeen, but I already know. I'm gonna be the best damn mother. Oh, and probably a high school English teacher. Which was a decision fueled by a deep desire to spend summers with my children and also by a love of high school kids and books. So it goes.

Anyway, I know for sure that my kids will have everything they will ever need. Except I'm so freaking terrified. I know that when you're pregnant, the baby gets all the nutrients they need first, before your body does. But how much nutrients can they really get when I'm eating 500 calories a day? Will I be able to eat more for the sake of my child? God, I'd like to think so. I'll do my fucking best, that's for damn sure. How many breakdowns will that cause, I wonder?

But pregnancy is only the beginning. What happens when my kids want chocolate? I can't just go running out of the house screaming every time they put "unsafe" foods in their mouths. But it's not like I can just fear-feed them, you know? I also can't raise them as a psycho health food mom because the minute they get out of the house, they'll revel in eating everything that is "forbidden" and then they'll end up obese. Not that I won't love them, regardless of how big or small they turn out to be, but the fact of the matter is that being obese is extremely unhealthy. I don't know. I'm so scared. Kids need three meals a day plus snacks. I can't even...how do people eat three meals a day, I don't understand and this is making me hysterical.

I have to stop now.

-Lee <3

Where Have I Been?

So a few days ago, I got down to 123.6, and then generally just blew it so now I'm back up to 128. Ew.

But, for the most part, I'm okay. I spent all of yesterday in a depressionless-fog. It was great. I feel like I honestly earned my pounds.

Yesterday was a wreck.

I started out by getting ready with my friend NK because we were celebrating her 17th birthday. We picked up A and her cute cousin from Florida, and then chilled back at NK's house because I had asked a friend to drop off some alcohol. He pulled up soon enough and we convinced him to come to the hookah place with us, and then K pulled up too and we all piled into our cars and drove down to Jason's. We shot some pool, at which  I was terrible at, by the way, and bought two different flavors of hookah, and then we dropped off the cousin from Florida and went back to NK's house. We were setting up to drink our delicious alcohol, when K decided we all had to go to Voodoo Doughnuts, which is kind of famous in our town for being fucking delicious, and always has lines out the door and down the block. No arguments there, so we beaner packed her car (sorry) and drove the half hour. Keep in mind, it was like, midnight by now.

We got our doughnuts, sang happy birthday to N rather obnoxiously, and then, on our way back, we pulled up next to this guy N, who I didn't really know, but everyone else did and we invited him back to NK's place.

This is where future Lee, rereading this is going to get confused, because all three boys that ended up at NK's place have the exact same name. Soooo there's Brother N (BN), My N (MN) and Random N (RN). Just clarifying. 

We drank a shit ton, mixing liquors, smoking weed and lighting up cigarettes. By about 2 am, A, NK and K were all super tipsy while RN, MN and I were pretty sober. All in all, we were doing pretty great!

And then NK threw up and passed out. In the middle of her dry heaving into the bushes, her brother, BN came home and was like "what the hell!" but he was on supppppper drugs too, so he basically resigned himself to carrying her up to her bed, where she promptly threw up again. Poor NK. It was her first time drinking, her first cigarette and her second time getting high. It was too much in one night. Did I mention she had to work the next morning? LOL yeah... :(

Everyone crashed on BN's floor, where I realized exactly how drunk I was because I couldn't get to my feet without major help haha.

All in all, it was a freaking great night, one that needs to happen more often... and I actually feel better knowing where each pound came from. That's weird, isn't it?

Whatever.

I need more nights like that one...

Only...let's skip the calories, mkay?

-Lee

Everything will be okay...

Firstly, I wanna thank Elizabeth, Bella and Meg for their kind words on my last post.

Today, I woke up at 125.0, so that was pretty nice.

I still feel really not with it lately, and my sleep has been getting more and more restless.


I don't know what's going on with me.


I'll try to do a longer post tomorrow...


Love y'all
-Lee

Low

So last night, on my way to see a movie with my friend, N, I got into my first car accident. It was horrible and it immediately shot me deep back into my anxiety. I spent all night and all today in bed, wallowing in guilt. I hate myself. I should have been more careful.

An hour ago I finally dragged my pathetic butt out of bed and went to the gym. I burned about 130 calories before people came in, making my net intake about 195. Not great, but hopefully it'll get this weight moving in the right direction. Over my "vacation" I gained 3 pounds, but now I'm back to the weight I was before I left soooo that's good, I guess.

Idk. I feel really off-centered still.

I'm gonna go catch up on blogs and stuff.
Stay safe
-Lee

Restaurant Guilt

My mom and I were supposed to leave for Idaho tomorrow to look at a college there and then continue onto Montana, to look at more colleges.

Instead, we left this afternoon and therefore, I am without a scale for a week.

This morning I woke up at 126.6

Anyway, I swore to myself that this trip would be all salads and water. And I was doing alright. We stopped at Wendy's for lunch and I got the Caesar salad without chicken. But then for dinner we went to a diner and literally everything there was fried. I could eat nothing healthy there. I almost had a panic attack as I was looking at the menu. And I wasn't gonna have a thing, I really wasn't. But the people who were working there were so nice. Which leads me to the reason behind the title of this post.

Restaurant guilt. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? When you walk in somewhere and the people are just so pleasant to you that you feel like you have to eat the food, as a way of showing them that you appreciate their niceties.

And don't even get me started on not finishing the food. I always always ALWAYS get a box, even if I know I won't eat it the next day. They spent all that time making me food and I just feel so ungrateful for only eating a few bites and then making them throw it away. I have to at least make the people think that I loved it so much that I took it to eat later on.

So, now I can basically feel the fat sinking into my thighs, and I know I have to be more strict as the trip goes on.

Sigh.

Love y'all
-Lee

She's got her daddy's tongue and temper, sometimes her mouth could use a filter

I am so out of control right now.

Today I woke up at 127.8.

I knew I'd have to pay for my sins eventually.

Numbers always make me feel better. Math is reliable. Nothing ever changes. So I'm gonna do some calculations...

If:
3,500 calories = one pound
My BMR = 1432.7 rounded up to 1433
And I eat roughly 1,000 calories/day

I lose 433 calories a day. Which is equal to a pound lost every seven or eight days. (433*8=3897)
Basically a pound a week.

However,

If you do all the same calculations, except you substitute 1,000 for 500 calories/day, you get:
933 calories lost per day. Which is about one pound lost every four days. (933*4=3732)

If I start Sunday, on 1,000 calories/day I weigh 118 pounds by the first full week in August. UHM. NO.

But, if I start Sunday, on 500 calories/day I weigh 113 pounds by the first full week in August. Better.

Much, much better.

I'm dealing with my ups, my downs, my lows...

So this morning, I woke up a 125.8.

Which obviously isn't 125, like I was hoping for. But I ate a fuckton of food so it was much, much better than I thought it was going to be.

On Tuesday night, I stayed with my friend, N. We went to yoga after shopping and the yoga instructor was talking about our potential and how we alone knew what we could be and basically it got me to thinking that no one can push me into being skinny. I have to do it by myself. Which is scary, because I don't do things by myself. But I want skinny more than I want to breathe. I have to take responsibility for everything I eat, because ultimately, no one is forcing the food on me. I have the control here.

On Wednesday, I walked around Elitches and it was frickin HOT, but I was there with some really great people. D is S's friend and for real, I've never met a better person in my life. He's just...good. Like, one of those guys who is genuinely caring and kind and nice by default, with no ulterior motives. I like hanging out with him a lot and hopefully as the summer goes on, we get closer. He's great.

So, new goals. 125.0 on Sunday, and then by June 5th, 120.0.

Do it for you,
-Lee

127.2

This morning I woke up to 127.2, which is exactly a pound less than I went to bed with.

Unfortunately, I blew it.

My mom and I originally set out to have breakfast this morning, but the place we wanted to go to was closed, due to it being Memorial day and all. So we ended up just getting some AMAZING coffee at this local place. It was seriously SO good. Then we walked around the outlets for awhile and I got some cute clothes for super good prices.

And then we went to lunch. And long story short, it was disgusting the amount I ate.

On a side note, this summer is shaping up to be pretty busy, which is always good for weight loss. I'll be my cousin's chauffeur on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays because my Uncle is traveling a lot and my Aunt has two other kids. This kid's schedule is freaking crazy, man. He's got practice every damn day and two games back to back almost every other day. That's ridiculous. So I'll bus him back and forth, feed him and make sure he's got all his stuff. And my aunt will pay me. Which is awesome. Put that on top of all my other summer plans and I'm pretty much never going to need to be accountable to food.

I'm still keeping my goal of wanting to be at 125 by Thursday, and that looks pretty doable. Tomorrow I'm headed to yoga with my best friend and then Elitches with her, S and this adorable guy, O. I haven't really gotten to chill with O since middle school so I'm really excited to see him again. Yay!

Love y'all
-Lee

Is it already the end of May?

I cannot believe it's been such a long time since I last posted.

Update: Still fat.

I've spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that recovery was worth it, but in the end, the only thing it got me was pounds and pounds of pure embarrassment. I used to think 120 was a high weight, but now I'm more in the 130 range and I'm just...huge.
Everything inside me breaks when I step on that scale and see that number.

But this is my summer, man. And I'm gonna go back to school so fucking pretty they won't even recognize me.

So here we go, again.

This time, I'm starting out at 128.2. That's an evening weight, of course, so I'll most likely be down by morning, as per usual. My first goal is to see 125 by around Thursday. By the time I walk through those doors in August, I'll be 105.

Love y'all.
-Lee

Blogloving

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I'm a little loopy...

I had my wisdom teeth out this morning and since then I've been feeling goooooood. Those pain pills are fabulous, man. I'm such a happy person when I'm on them.

However, due to the fact that I cannot get up and exercise at all, I'm going stir crazy. My legs want to go outside and tear up the trails that surround my house, but instead I'm stuck.

I can feel my ED breaking back into my mind. I need to get rid of all this weight. I need to.

I'm going to be such a fat cow before I'm allowed to be normal again. Ugh.

Catch y'all on the Flipside.
Lee

I'm gonna sit right here, on the edge of this pier

I took a walk to clear my head today and realized that I have to make a decision. I can't keep switching between living the ana lifestyle and recovery. I have to chose one or the other and throw myself into it completely. This two months of one, two months of the other is driving me crazy and wreaking havoc on my already deteriorating mental state. I want to be thin more than I want to breathe. I want it so badly, I can taste it. My bones are begging to pop out of my skin.

In my mind, I'm going to be fine. I will get down to my ultimate goal weight and suddenly, I'll wake up happy and perfect, and maintain that weight for the rest of my life. But I think we all know by now that isn't how it works. We get ourselves down to the perfect number and then convince ourselves we'd be happier if we were just a little lower...And then it just doesn't stop.

I like this boy. And this is a big deal because it's been years since I felt this way about someone. The stupid smiles, the blushing, the looking for him everywhere I go, the memorization of every word he utters, I feel like I'm back in middle school. But he doesn't like skinny girls. Says they're "disgusting". This goes against everything I was taught to believe. Attractive boys must like skinny girls. It's like a rule or something, right? Everything I believed got turned on it's head and I'm not sure how to deal with that. He pushes me into recovery.

But how can I base an entire life choice off of one boy? Even if it has been such a long time since someone has been able to crack my heart of stone.

Skinny for me is a way of life. I don't know how to do anything besides monitor my intake, memorize the calories, exercise, weigh in, restrict, binge, freak out, repeat. I'm afraid I won't be good enough at being normal.

Fear drives me. I plan on quadruple majoring in college simply because the thought of failing at something makes me want to curl up and die and I'm not sure I'd ever get out. The thought of failing at being skinny is as equally terrifying as the thought of failing at being normal.

So the reality comes down to this, I guess. I'm just too damn scared.

But I guess I'm the most scared of what I'll be left with. If I don't have my eating disorder and near  constant control, what do I have?

Have a goodnight, ladies.
-Lee

Face the Music

I guess I kinda disappeared for awhile there, huh? The last time I wrote was in November, and now it's March.

That's disappointing.

I had to figure some things out before I would let myself come back here.

Here's the truth: I'm not doing well.

I miss the girl who never let her friends see her eat. I got so out of control and now I'm so so lost.

Life has been hard and horrible lately, and here's another truth: I'm so fat.

But I can start over. I can achieve my goals and be the best me I can be. I just need accountability, perseverance and control.

I can do this.

Lee is back, bitches.