I'm gonna sit right here, on the edge of this pier

I took a walk to clear my head today and realized that I have to make a decision. I can't keep switching between living the ana lifestyle and recovery. I have to chose one or the other and throw myself into it completely. This two months of one, two months of the other is driving me crazy and wreaking havoc on my already deteriorating mental state. I want to be thin more than I want to breathe. I want it so badly, I can taste it. My bones are begging to pop out of my skin.

In my mind, I'm going to be fine. I will get down to my ultimate goal weight and suddenly, I'll wake up happy and perfect, and maintain that weight for the rest of my life. But I think we all know by now that isn't how it works. We get ourselves down to the perfect number and then convince ourselves we'd be happier if we were just a little lower...And then it just doesn't stop.

I like this boy. And this is a big deal because it's been years since I felt this way about someone. The stupid smiles, the blushing, the looking for him everywhere I go, the memorization of every word he utters, I feel like I'm back in middle school. But he doesn't like skinny girls. Says they're "disgusting". This goes against everything I was taught to believe. Attractive boys must like skinny girls. It's like a rule or something, right? Everything I believed got turned on it's head and I'm not sure how to deal with that. He pushes me into recovery.

But how can I base an entire life choice off of one boy? Even if it has been such a long time since someone has been able to crack my heart of stone.

Skinny for me is a way of life. I don't know how to do anything besides monitor my intake, memorize the calories, exercise, weigh in, restrict, binge, freak out, repeat. I'm afraid I won't be good enough at being normal.

Fear drives me. I plan on quadruple majoring in college simply because the thought of failing at something makes me want to curl up and die and I'm not sure I'd ever get out. The thought of failing at being skinny is as equally terrifying as the thought of failing at being normal.

So the reality comes down to this, I guess. I'm just too damn scared.

But I guess I'm the most scared of what I'll be left with. If I don't have my eating disorder and near  constant control, what do I have?

Have a goodnight, ladies.
-Lee