Restaurant Guilt

My mom and I were supposed to leave for Idaho tomorrow to look at a college there and then continue onto Montana, to look at more colleges.

Instead, we left this afternoon and therefore, I am without a scale for a week.

This morning I woke up at 126.6

Anyway, I swore to myself that this trip would be all salads and water. And I was doing alright. We stopped at Wendy's for lunch and I got the Caesar salad without chicken. But then for dinner we went to a diner and literally everything there was fried. I could eat nothing healthy there. I almost had a panic attack as I was looking at the menu. And I wasn't gonna have a thing, I really wasn't. But the people who were working there were so nice. Which leads me to the reason behind the title of this post.

Restaurant guilt. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? When you walk in somewhere and the people are just so pleasant to you that you feel like you have to eat the food, as a way of showing them that you appreciate their niceties.

And don't even get me started on not finishing the food. I always always ALWAYS get a box, even if I know I won't eat it the next day. They spent all that time making me food and I just feel so ungrateful for only eating a few bites and then making them throw it away. I have to at least make the people think that I loved it so much that I took it to eat later on.

So, now I can basically feel the fat sinking into my thighs, and I know I have to be more strict as the trip goes on.

Sigh.

Love y'all
-Lee

She's got her daddy's tongue and temper, sometimes her mouth could use a filter

I am so out of control right now.

Today I woke up at 127.8.

I knew I'd have to pay for my sins eventually.

Numbers always make me feel better. Math is reliable. Nothing ever changes. So I'm gonna do some calculations...

If:
3,500 calories = one pound
My BMR = 1432.7 rounded up to 1433
And I eat roughly 1,000 calories/day

I lose 433 calories a day. Which is equal to a pound lost every seven or eight days. (433*8=3897)
Basically a pound a week.

However,

If you do all the same calculations, except you substitute 1,000 for 500 calories/day, you get:
933 calories lost per day. Which is about one pound lost every four days. (933*4=3732)

If I start Sunday, on 1,000 calories/day I weigh 118 pounds by the first full week in August. UHM. NO.

But, if I start Sunday, on 500 calories/day I weigh 113 pounds by the first full week in August. Better.

Much, much better.

I'm dealing with my ups, my downs, my lows...

So this morning, I woke up a 125.8.

Which obviously isn't 125, like I was hoping for. But I ate a fuckton of food so it was much, much better than I thought it was going to be.

On Tuesday night, I stayed with my friend, N. We went to yoga after shopping and the yoga instructor was talking about our potential and how we alone knew what we could be and basically it got me to thinking that no one can push me into being skinny. I have to do it by myself. Which is scary, because I don't do things by myself. But I want skinny more than I want to breathe. I have to take responsibility for everything I eat, because ultimately, no one is forcing the food on me. I have the control here.

On Wednesday, I walked around Elitches and it was frickin HOT, but I was there with some really great people. D is S's friend and for real, I've never met a better person in my life. He's just...good. Like, one of those guys who is genuinely caring and kind and nice by default, with no ulterior motives. I like hanging out with him a lot and hopefully as the summer goes on, we get closer. He's great.

So, new goals. 125.0 on Sunday, and then by June 5th, 120.0.

Do it for you,
-Lee

127.2

This morning I woke up to 127.2, which is exactly a pound less than I went to bed with.

Unfortunately, I blew it.

My mom and I originally set out to have breakfast this morning, but the place we wanted to go to was closed, due to it being Memorial day and all. So we ended up just getting some AMAZING coffee at this local place. It was seriously SO good. Then we walked around the outlets for awhile and I got some cute clothes for super good prices.

And then we went to lunch. And long story short, it was disgusting the amount I ate.

On a side note, this summer is shaping up to be pretty busy, which is always good for weight loss. I'll be my cousin's chauffeur on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays because my Uncle is traveling a lot and my Aunt has two other kids. This kid's schedule is freaking crazy, man. He's got practice every damn day and two games back to back almost every other day. That's ridiculous. So I'll bus him back and forth, feed him and make sure he's got all his stuff. And my aunt will pay me. Which is awesome. Put that on top of all my other summer plans and I'm pretty much never going to need to be accountable to food.

I'm still keeping my goal of wanting to be at 125 by Thursday, and that looks pretty doable. Tomorrow I'm headed to yoga with my best friend and then Elitches with her, S and this adorable guy, O. I haven't really gotten to chill with O since middle school so I'm really excited to see him again. Yay!

Love y'all
-Lee

Is it already the end of May?

I cannot believe it's been such a long time since I last posted.

Update: Still fat.

I've spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that recovery was worth it, but in the end, the only thing it got me was pounds and pounds of pure embarrassment. I used to think 120 was a high weight, but now I'm more in the 130 range and I'm just...huge.
Everything inside me breaks when I step on that scale and see that number.

But this is my summer, man. And I'm gonna go back to school so fucking pretty they won't even recognize me.

So here we go, again.

This time, I'm starting out at 128.2. That's an evening weight, of course, so I'll most likely be down by morning, as per usual. My first goal is to see 125 by around Thursday. By the time I walk through those doors in August, I'll be 105.

Love y'all.
-Lee