Still smilin'

I tried to come to a civil agreement with J last night but all he wanted to do was be a child. Whatever. I'm so done with his cult-group and everyone that is in it. I actually have friends now  and I'm happy with them so I'm not gonna let it bother me. Unfortunately I did not come to this conclusion before breaking down on the phone to MT about how I shouldn't be alive. At least I still have him, because honestly, he's a rock. I stepped on the scale and saw 124 the other day. OMG WTF. Even when I binge, it never rises beyond 120. But it was exactly the kick in the ass I needed. Was sick yesterday so I didn't go to school and ate lots of veggies (: Yuuuum. I have these excellent soups that are 90 calories and I will do nothing but buy them for the rest of my life lol. I can't wait for my CMD stuff to get here!!!! Only a few more days (: (: (:

I'm gonna be okay. Really. I am.

Stay strong, hun
-Lee

Hatred

I am a FAT FUCKING FAILURE.
I am NEVER GOING TO ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING I WANT IN LIFE
I am FUCKING GROSS AND UGLY.
I am sad inside. I am angry at the entire world.

I am going to take a hot shower. Longer post later?

Stress

It's been awhile since I last updated...Things have been kind of crazy around here. My mom and I moved out in the pouring rain and my dad is not taking it very well. Neither is my body. I've been so fucking stressed recently and with stress comes...you guess it. Eating. God. I'm such a fat pig. I went to homecoming last night and grinded the night away, but as soon as I woke up this morning, I started eating and haven't really stopped. God, I'm a failure. I'm sorry. There's so much going on. I'm behind in like three classes and I barely have anyone to sit with at lunch now since my "friends" hate me, and my sister has been bugging me non stop because she's here in town for her 10th reunion and I don't want to see her. I talked to my dad the other night and all he was concerned with was where I lived. He didn't give a fuck about when he could see me again, or if I was ever coming back, he just wanted to know where we were living now. I hate him. I've been talking to MT every night for awhile now, and it just never gets better. I feel like I've lost myself. I have to go volunteer at 2, but maybe after that I'll just hide away in the gym and sweat these thoughts out. Idk. Maybe I'll go free running. Either way, I have to do something other than sit on my large ass.

Sigh.

Okay. Stay Strong.
-Lee

All I'm good at

So my mom and I have officially moved into our new place. The movers were freaking slow-pokes, and it took them five and a half hours to do it. It was pouring rain here though yesterday, enough so that the National Guard was called and schools were closed down. The movers were incredibly nice and didn't even really complain so....

The weather definitely matched my mom and I's mood.

But today we woke up to sunshine! And everything seems to be falling into place. I think this house is going to be good for us. Seriously.

There is literally so much to do. The boxes of unpacked stuff seem to be multiplying, but instead of focusing on getting as much done as I can, I'm going running. Lol.

Hopefully I can burn off about 1,000 calories. Maybe more. We'll see.

We don't have internet in our new place yet (I'm writing this at a restaurant type place) but as soon as we do I will make a longer post about how well I'm doing and how my food-intake is changing.

Love y'all
-Lee

116

I stepped on the scale this morning and saw 116.
I would be happy but honestly I'm just afraid that I'll step on it again and it will be 135 or something.
I don't trust my weight because I don't feel like i deserve it.
I haven't starved enough, fasted enough, or exercised enough.
I should be a thousand pounds.

All my friends hate me. I just know it. They've been distant as a group. J tried last night to talk to me I guess but it just feels like there are walls between us all.

J just got snarky with me. Fuck him.

I'm tired of being like this. MT is the only one I can talk to honestly, he's the only one who gets me. How sad is that.

I binged last night because MT was crying over his breakup and I couldn't figure out how to stop him from crying so I just let him hang up the phone. He's such a good friend to me and I can't even help him out when he needs me.

I'm such a failure.

This entire fucking situation is fucked. We all used to be the best of friends but now I even find O fucking annoying. I wish I knew how to just go back to when shit was okay but I guess people just...grow apart.

I'm trying to remind myself of everything I have left.

When I'm fucking skinny, they'll miss me.

If you eat what you have always eaten, you will weigh what you have always weighed

This quote has been running through my mind for days now.

Quick summary:
Monday: Went to a Rockies game with EM, her gma and her aunt. It was hella fun and we snuck off to go buy weed like, three fourths of the way through. Love that girl.
Then talked to MT until 2 in the morning. It was fabulous. I laughed almost the entire time.

Tuesday: Spent the afternoon with Lauren and Natalie, waiting for SIC to start. Laughed so freaking hard the entire time. We were dancing for the guys up on Telly and sitting in wet grass and oh my goodness, it was just fabulous.

Fabulous seems to be my new word.

Gosh, I'm just full of love these days.
Except for when it comes to my weight.

I weigh: 116.

I hate myself.

I'm going to keep a food journal on here. Then I will be held accountable for my actions.

Hope everyone is just fabulous (:

Love,
Lee