We have spent six years of this back and forth thing, this loving each other and leaving each other, this making each other miserable and then making up, this beautiful, tragic, trainwreck thing. I do not know if this separation is permanent. I was going to pack up my entire life and move to him, to be close to him, to confess my love and be all in with him. Instead, it somehow got so out of control and now we do not speak. He broke the silence to tell me he was proud of me for graduating. I waver between loving him for that and hating him for it. For six years, it has always been him at the end of the day. I am struggling with his absence from my life. I feel it so acutely. Everywhere in my life holds the imprint of him. How do I drive my car, or sit on my couch without picturing him there? But also, how do I make room in my life for him when I know it involves a much greater sacrifice than I am willing to make. I do not know if he will be in my life again. We have never been able to fully let each other go without coming back eventually. But if we have yet to figure out how to make it work in six years, is there even any hope for us? I can't come to a conclusion.
I am adrift in my life. I have graduated college. I want to get a job by August, start making a dent in my truly horrific student loan debt. Move to a new state, a new apartment, have a new life.
I want to start over.
This is a huge improvement from wanting to end it all, I guess.
Some days I cannot picture the future, and it scares me. It would be so much easier to kill myself than to continue with this life. I am scared of everything, and I cannot choke down the fear. It overwhelms me. I had wanted to have a job lined up before I finished my internship, but that did not happen, and I just truly have no idea what I want to do with my life.
Mostly I just don't want to do life without him, I guess.
In my last post, I could not feel anything. Nothing mattered. I much prefer that to this feeling of paralyzing fear that I have to live with every single minute.
I am of course, still fat. At least there's one constant.
<3 Lee.
