It's almost the new year.
What am I doing, you ask?
Sitting here, catching up on blogs and finding new people who share this hell to follow.
The exact same thing I was doing this time last year.
Am I with my wonderful boyfriend who I love very much? No.
Am I with my friends or family celebrating my wonderful recovery? No.
Am I recovered at all, even a little bit? No.
Because every time I throw myself into recovery, I just cannot do it. I am so fat and I cannot look in the mirror without crying. I'm supposed to be thinking "this is the new, healthier me," and instead I'm thinking "I want to die".
Recovery never works out for me. When will I learn?
I guess I'm a little upset with myself. I've never been able to stick with anything for very long. Not cheer-leading, not hip hop, not yoga, not art, not writing. I was so hopeful that recovery would be the one thing I could stick with, but instead it's turning out to be my ED. Lovely.
I'm all alone on New Years Eve, researching diet plans. Jesus. My life is pathetic.
I love you all and I hope you have an incredible New Year.
Love, Lee <3
Hey! Email/text me sometime! We need to catch up. Xx
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're not happy dear...hopefully your new year will be brighter? My NYE wasn't much better, everyone had gone off to sleep and I listened to the neighbours count down while going on MPA.
ReplyDeleteDearie, your life isn't pathetic. Recovery takes time and maybe it's not as easy as anticipated. I'm not someone who sticks with things long term either so it's not just you.
And I'm sorry I don't comment much - I can't do it on my account (I'm younger than 18 on my blogger) so I'm using my roleplay account here :)
Love,
Christie