My friend has this sticky note pinned above her desk that has a quote from The Killers written on it. It says "I'm so much older than I can take" and if that doesn't sum things up, I don't know what will.
I am so tired.
I am so tired of living in this body in this world that can't ever seem to get anything right. I am too large, too loud, too awkward, generally just not enough and too much all at once.
I live with someone who is basically my sister reincarnated. It's really weird and it makes me miss her sometimes. She calls, but I never answer because how am I supposed to tell her "Sorry I never came to see you when your baby died. I was busy trying to kill myself." She'd go nuts. She'd call my parents screaming and that's the last thing I need.
I am so weary.
I'm finally getting my life together, but it's like I'm still missing out on so much.
My sleep schedule is mostly okay now, but I didn't sleep well last night and therefore accidentally slept through my gym time this evening. That wasn't fun. But I did buy myself a book that I've been waiting for forever. It got released today and since I was already in the town that the nearest bookstore is in (a good 16 miles away from where I live), I bought it.
Long story short, from the book, I got a tattoo idea and a bunch of signs from the universe that I'm supposed to go to Portland soon. I'm real big on following signs from the universe, so I'll probably go with some friends next summer.
I don't want to step on the scale, but I also can't just...not. So. There's that. I'm gonna take my body measurements and do some before pictures pretty soon. Maybe I'll post them. We'll see.
This post was everywhere, but I'm just trying to get back in the swing of posting things so that's okay.
Hope y'all are doing okay.
<3 Lee
I'm sorry things have been so exhausting lately. Hoping the universe has good things in store for you soon <3
ReplyDeletexx
i don't that's just a matter of perspective. we're still young girls, trying to find our footing. that's how we're supposed to feel. and it's alright to feel overwhelmed. it's very alright to feel like it's too much. it's okay to regress and it's okay to let yourself breathe for a few days. it's all perfectly fine.
ReplyDeleteyou are not too large or loud or awkward. people just are. and that's the beauty of them!
about the sister situation: it's a very difficult thing, but you are going to end up talking eventually. things will probably patch up somehow someway. they just tend to. and i am so sorry to hear that you've felt the need to end your life. there's nothing i can say to this other than "i am very glad that you're alive" and that you are worth life. you are supposed to be here. it's not a coincidence that you're still alive. there are things out there for you. you are so so young.
we'll get there eventually. i find the hard thing is finding out what i'm missing out on. what are YOU missing out on? go and take it. we need to make things simpler than they are. i think that's how people end up being happy. that, and i fully believe in the pursuit of anything that goes against human nature. it's easy to be angry, or hurt, or sad, or dwell in the past. but it's just letting go of all that... it's like a window of opportunity just comes right up. things aren't perfect, but the beauty of it is that it isn't. because if they were, then they'd be boring.
you are worth more than the scale.
you know the best part of this post? is hearing about that book. that makes me happy. because you deserve that book and more. and i hope that reading it makes you smile. i hope you smile.
and i, too, hope the universe has good things in store for you soon!
hope nothing i've said offended you. i've went off on a spiritual/love tangent, but that's just who i am so to speak, isn't it?
hoping that better days come by soon. xxxx
-Sam Lupin
comment reply:
ReplyDeleteOF COURSE I REMEMBER YOU HOW CAN I NOT REMEMBER YOU??? you were Skittles something forever ago. and i believe your blog was "It's Something Unpredictable." yes i remember you.
i don't know why but it makes me happy to know you drive a Corolla and i understand what you mean about that face. i drove one for me exam. it's a pretty standard car. nothing wrong about it! it's simple and it doesn't try to be anything else than what it is. very genuine car that is. *i'm reading too much into it, am i not?*
your comment made me smile. i hope mine makes YOU smile. if not, i hope that it made you want to shake me but then tell me that you love me anyway!
-Sam Lupin