"We make it meaningful by caring about it." -John Green
So I think I mentioned in one of the last posts that I had met the love of my life. He broke up with me. It was ugly and terrible and I miss him so fucking much. I have a new boyfriend and he's super sweet and he worships me and he's my best friend and he's been in love with me for almost the past year. I just can't help but still love my ex. He was my everything. I've been dreaming about him lately. I hate that we'll probably never see each other again. I really thought we would end up together. That's probably pretty stupid, because we're so young. But I honestly felt it in my soul that he was The One. I hate him for leaving and I hate myself even more for not being able to hate him and for pushing him away. Everything just really freaking sucks.
Anyway, I'm slllllllloooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwlllllllllllyyyyyyyyy losing. I'm 141 on the dot this morning. My boyfriend and I fight about how much I eat, and how I perceive myself and all that crap. It sucks. It sucks even more that I can't sort out my feelings about anything. I'm hiding from life, and I hate that because I swore to myself that I would be different, that I would take every chance life gave me.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.
I love you all.
Thank you to Cursum Perficio, Sam Lupin, and Mandy Devoidde for your comments on my last post. I really appreciate them.
<3 Lee
wait, is this blueberry and orange tea both blueberry and orange or are we talking about a tea that is blueberry and a tea that is orange hmmm
ReplyDeletehonestly, love, you don't need anyone else. you really don't. you're a beautiful and incredible human being and you are complete and one and yourself all at once. you have to allow yourself to let go and let people love you, and hopefully, in time, you will love them back. always love someone enough that you share the positive things but not so much that when they break up it feels like the end of the world.
it isn't the end of the world. this, too, in time, shall pass. and you will be okay again. you're a beautiful human being and you deserve so much. let the new boyfriend worship you and take care of you. and remind him that you are grateful that he is there. because anything is better than being very lonely.
i think your mind is still biased at the moment. when i broke up with my gf, i thought that for sure, it was all gone away, we'll get back together again but as time went on, it's just...i realised i don't need her. or my current or anyone else. like really. media makes it seem like two people together are two halves of a whole. they are not. you are whole yourself.
"My boyfriend and I fight about how much I eat, and how I perceive myself and all that crap." you should eat more love. and you should take care of your body. you really should. you've only got one body after all. when you're 40, you don't want to sit back and think: oh, i spent the last few years thinking about food.
it feels okay when you're in the comfort of ED. the more i recover, the more i become angry. i spent last week being angry for what i've done to myself. what the ED has done to me. there is a certain period where the ED is sort of a friend and sort of an enemy, and when you establish that it is an enemy, that's when things start to truly change.
i hate seeing you waste your life away to this disease that won't give you any satisfaction at all. i want you to be happy. i want you to love yourself - it'll take forever but it's worth it. everyone deserves to feel peaceful within themselves (also, about 80% of the time, i'm okay with my body.)
breathe in, sweetie. you got this.
-Sam Lupin
comment reply:
ReplyDelete"The other day I was reading Cosmo and they had an article about the best Ben and Jerry's flavors and all I could think to myself was that if they wanted an expert, they should have you write it haha."
aye. i can just imagine this.
'i would totally recommend the Clusterfuck - i mean fluff. Clusterfluff or wait, no, it's What a Cluster. fuck, what a life.' (What a Cluster was originally named Clusterfluff before).
i love you to pieces more. i would give anything for you to be happy. i hope i make you smile sometimes. :) i am feeling hesitant about what i wrote up there but i find that it helps a lot too. you need to take care of yourself, you really do, and i don't want you to spend a second harming the body that loves you so much. self-hatred is the most unrequited relationship ever because your body literally lives for you.
"I'm sorry you failed the module, but there will be other chances to shine, right? Hang in there, Sammy."
i love you. i'm retaking the exam soon (in a week). i will start studying for it with my dad. it should be helpful. keeping my fingers crossed.
hopefully, upon passing, i'll go back to studying my neuroscience. shhhhh... if i don't wear nice clothes, nobody will find out i hate to reset the government exam, right??
-Sam Lupin
Aww, sweetie, I'm sorry. I wish I had some words to make the situation less painful. Love triangles just fucking suck. The pain does get easier. Like when a loved one passes away, and we can't see how anything can ever make it hurt any less. But eventually it does. I know it doesn't change anything or lessen the pain for now, but keep holding on. You'll get there.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love and hugs <3
xxxx
Oh, that hole in your heart when you just can't let someone go... Will it help if I say that it hopefully will get better? That the pain will dull? Says the woman who still carries a torch for That Guy despite being engaged to another...
ReplyDelete''When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part," oh how painfully true. Sometimes I wake up and roll over half expecting my ex to be there. But of course he isn't there.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hate that thing boyfriends do to try and build up confidence, it's well intentioned but mostly boys telling me I'm fine and can eat more just makes me more determined to eat less. The worst part is that I don't think any of us even know what it is we want to hear instead.