Alive

I am still among the living. 

I found a fantastic job that I am incredible at, moved to a brand new state, made myself indispensable at my second job through months of hard work, bought myself a new car, and will be officially debt free in ten months. I have made myself happy here, in my own apartment, on my own schedule. When I drive under yellow lights, instead of making wishes, I thank God for the life I have now.

I read through my blog and smile at what an anxious mess I was over the future. I am still that way, of course, but it brings me joy to remember that the universe can be trusted to work everything out if only you have patience.

But I wouldn't be me unless I was unhappy about the way I looked. Thankfully, I just found out something devastating and I am so upset I cannot eat. There is nothing like the heartbreak diet, y'all. 

I am such a big believer in signs. I have always believed in asking for signs, and I have always gotten the signs I needed, even when I did not want to take the path they were pointing me down. But lately, it seems like every time I ask for direction, or answers, I get nothing.

What do you do when the universe goes silent?

I am struggling between knowing that I need to let go completely, and desperately trying to come up with some way to make everything okay again. 

My grief feels like a physical force pressing into me, and I cannot sort out my feelings on this one.

I don't know. It used to make me feel better to write. I could always come here, jot down a few words, and shut my computer feeling lighter than when I started. I don't think anything will make me feel better now except time.

Sorry for this post, I just wanted to let everyone who is still here know I am alive. 

<3 Lee