'Cause I Was Never Taught to Give It Up

It took a lot of faith to fight my battles and tackle a couple of habits I never thought that
I’d have to
But did, bottle the water under the bridge and toss another written page of my history to the wind
When it blows, cause all of this disaster has lead me home and left a lot of room for me to learn to grow
Yeah you are not alone

Third day in a row of posting, so I guess pretty soon it'll be time to disappear for three or so years haha.

Do y'all believe in signs?

I do. When the boy left me, I asked the universe for so many signs. I need to know whether it was time to move on from him or not. We've been best friends since we were fifteen, and he was my first love. We had plans to move in together and probably get married soon. I want so badly for there to be a reason we keep coming back to each other. But I don't know if the signs I'm receiving are because I so desperately want to see some or if they're actually there. I am still so angry. I am still so hurt. I am still so completely in love with him.  Thinking about being with someone else makes me sick. And there have been so many signs. I got a piece of  mail from his branch of the armed forces, the plane shook while I was praying "if we're meant to be together, have us encounter turbulence", I saw a license plate with his initials, and every single book I pick up either mentions his name or the place he was stationed at while we were together, just now as I was writing this, I somehow found a piece of paper that has to do with him under my leg even though I have no idea how it got onto my bed, plus a million other smaller ones. Or am I looking for all of these things? Am I so preoccupied with him that I unconsciously note these coincidences while letting the signs I'm not supposed to be with him pass me by?

I am just really fucking struggling.

In other news, I don't know how much I weigh. I mean, I stepped on the scale and took note of the number that popped up because of course I did, I'm eating disordered. But my scale does this cute lil thing where it shows 15.6 pounds higher than what is accurate. I don't know how to fix it. First time I stepped on it I almost killed myself right then and there. So. I know the number it showed me, but I have yet to subtract the 15.6 from it. I obviously have a rough idea, because I can do simple math like that, but I'm putting off figuring out the official number for as long as possible because right now I can keep telling myself "well at least I'm definitely not this weight" and feel okay about it. Knowing the real number would mean throwing away the last vestige of my sanity and giving myself completely back to the constant number game.

And of course a little voice inside me asks: what would be so bad about going back?

This entire post is clunky and terrible but so am I sooooooooo at least I'm consistent.

My roommate came home today, which is fine, I like her, but I wasn't expecting her back until Monday and I had all these plans to clean before she got here but now I'm hiding in my room because my anxiety says its been way too long since she arrived to go say hi now, and the apartment is terrible so she thinks you're terrible and its better to just stay holed up even though I'm am literally so freaking thirsty.

Its casual.

Okay y'all. It's time to wrap this up. I hope everyone is doing okay.

<3 Lee