Shall I start this post with the perfunctory "it's been such a long time"?
Lately, life just feels like a job I am not qualified for.
Soon I will graduate, and instead of this wonderful stasis I have ensconced myself in, I will be thrust into the real world of trying to find an actual job that I actually will be under qualified for. Ah, the beauty of college life.
I was supposed to start calling places to find an internship back in August, but I haven't even begun and the deadline is sometime in the first week of November. Hello, anxiety. Can you say hello to something that never really leaves?
On my best days I feel the tinge of mania that sometimes rests on the edge of my mind. On the worst days, I am simply floating through life, not really registering anything.
I actually have people to talk to in class now. I have people to commiserate with. However, that is not the same things as having friends.
The boy I was deeply in love with still calls every day. We're getting better at communicating, I guess. Is six years too long to try to make things work?
I dream of graduating, starting my repetitive job, learning how to cook for myself, spending my nights reading, going to museums, finding actual hobbies like trivia night or book clubs. I dream of being a person surrounded by beauty- art, history, writing, music - and yet a part of me knows I will never be that person. I will instead hole myself up in my apartment and live a sad, lonely existence because I am terrified of life.
I am, of course, still fat. Come on, did you think I'd make it through a whole post without addressing the elephant in the room?
My greatest yearning is to be in my mothers house, wrapped in warm pajamas, shuffling around her kitchen while a crockpot full of delicious food bubbles, a bookmark in the Iliad, waiting for me to return.
After all, why shouldn't I read a book about getting lost? I am already there.
Instead, I try to keep up with my school work, write the essay, wish I were dead.
I force myself to step on the scale every day, and yet my heart isn't in it. My heart isn't in anything anymore.
For extra credit, I am allowed to write my own obituary. I disguise my own self-loathing with jokes, but I am afraid the professor will read it and become concerned. I do not even know how to write about myself anymore.
I hope you are all doing better than I am.
<3 Lee
"I dream of graduating, starting my repetitive job, learning how to cook for myself, spending my nights reading, going to museums, finding actual hobbies like trivia night or book clubs. I dream of being a person surrounded by beauty- art, history, writing, music - and yet a part of me knows I will never be that person. I will instead hole myself up in my apartment and live a sad, lonely existence because I am terrified of life."
ReplyDeleteThis hits too close to home. I broke up with my fiancé after 13 years together, intending to start my life as soon as he moves out. Going to a café to read and have a coffee, going to Stockholm just to walk around in the Old Town, visiting museums, blah blah blah. We all know I'm going to end up alone and scared in my apartment.
Real life, adult life, is scary and you are alone and no one really prepared you for it.
I hope it will end up being better for you.
Hugs to you CP - that's a long time to be together and it must feel like the end of a chapter in your life - from what I remember there were lots of ups and downs, and he sometimes did not treat you right at all, so I'm sure you've made the best decision for you - and I hope you do get to start anew. xx
DeleteI often wish I could go back to college. Life was simpler when I didn't have to adult. I wish you the best of luck with the job hunting! x
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to feeling like life is a job I’m not qualified for. I thought that by 25 I’d have a career and a life and be happy. Instead I’m unable to function as an adult, never finished high school or got a job, and am technically homeless bouncing around supported accomodation and crisis housing.
ReplyDeleteI really hope things start to improve for you soon. You deserve so much more than to be feeling this way <3
xxBella
"Lately, life just feels like a job I am not qualified for." you know i don't believe that... i think you're plenty qualified. <3
ReplyDelete"but I haven't even begun and the deadline is sometime in the first week of November." i hope that you got something figured out, my love. but there are always options even if you think they aren't. adult life doesn't start immediately after you finish college, just as you don't immediately lose all of your personality traits from high school into college. the unknown is scary. but i think we exaggerate what it actually entails. <3 i have to believe that. if you try to think hard enough that the lion won't bite back, you're going to start to believe it.
you should take care of yourself, honey. you know.
"I dream of graduating, starting my repetitive job, learning how to cook for myself, spending my nights reading, going to museums, finding actual hobbies like trivia night or book clubs. I dream of being a person surrounded by beauty- art, history, writing, music - and yet a part of me knows I will never be that person. I will instead hole myself up in my apartment and live a sad, lonely existence because I am terrified of life."
i hate seeing you feel this way. i love you, and i think that you are such an intelligent, kind person. i hate seeing people that are so nice think so lowly of themselves. i hate that you feel so pressured and inadequate, because you are good enough. you are more than good enough.
you are not fat. just saying.
you are the kind of person i would like to spend hours talking to. good luck with everything, my love.
- Sam Lupin
i hope what i wrote is okay. i really don't want you to feel pressured into anything. you don't need anymore of that. i just wanted to say that i believe in your abilities, even when you aren't very sure of yourself.
ReplyDeletei understand your fear.
comment reply:
yes, i saw a lot of people ask for higher doses for their ECT! to each their own indeed.
i miss you even more. i hope to make a post soon <3
- Sam Lupin
I love you more than life. It would be a dream come true to sit down with a bomb ass cup of coffee or tea and just chat with you for hours. You have always been the most supportive person, and you've been here since like, day one of this blogger journey. You were my first friend here and you made a lonely road feel so much better. You always give me the best advice, as well. You hit the nail on the head when you said "the unknown is scary, but I think we exaggerate what it actually entails". I truly hate the unknown. I struggle so much with it, but I think hearing positive words from someone who really believes in me helps <3
DeleteIn other news, you left these replies on my birthday and there's no way you knew that, but it made me feel like, super special <3 You are one of my favorite people. I hope you are taking care of yourself. I hope you are happy, and feeling loved. I miss you.
<3 you.