I have not yet disappeared from the blogosphere.
That surprises me.
This semester is intense and I'm only a month into it. I have decided that although I had a mental breakdown that landed me in a psych ward less than four months ago, I'm going to double major and add on two minors. This means that to graduate on time, I will have to take a full summer course load and 18 credit hours for my remaining semesters.
It's fine. Everything is fine.
I am struggling in a lot of my classes. They are all just...intense. I've used that word twice now but it is the only one I can think of that encompasses the true pressure of them.
I'm trying really hard to take care of myself this year.
This weekend, if I have the time in between all of my homework, I'm going to take myself to a movie. There's one out that I'm really interested in. My grandma saw it and told me she thinks I'd like it. So I'm going to do it. This terrifies me. Doing anything alone, completely on my own terrifies me. We'll see if I actually follow through with it.
This summer, my family will be together for a week on the coast. I have a lot of fun things planned that I want to do, including going to a museum that has the crime scene photos of the Manson and Black Dahlia murders, as well as a rather sizable coffin collection. Also, an ice cream place that serves a flight of all 32 of their flavors. Its called balance, y'all. Haha.
Turns out, there's this suspension bridge that hangs 90 feet in the air and apparently sways really hard, especially when you get to the middle of it. It's nearby the house we're renting. I'm determined to conquer it. I hate heights. But this is my year, and I just feel like maybe I need to do this. I need to prove I'm stronger than my mind.
Now if only I could conquer my food fears LOL.
The guy I can't seem to stop writing about texted me. I had made a deal with myself that if I didn't get a definitive sign by the 7th, then I was going to move on and forget about him. And I was ready to. I was picturing my life without him in it and then...Sure enough, he texted me. On the 7th. Y'all know I believe heavily in signs so...I don't know. He sounded really lost, and I came away from the conversation feeling as though I had the upper hand for once. It felt good. But maybe not healthy.
Life just feels really heavy right now. I don't have a lot to say.
I hope everyone is doing okay.
<3 Lee
hello honey <3,
ReplyDeletegood! stay here in the blogsophere! forever!
wow! that sounds... like a serious amount of work. i hope you really thought about this, love :( i hate the thought of you burning out especially only 4 months after leaving the psych ward! i know that you can do it, i just hope that it goes by smoothly. i hope that you're enjoying it despite the intensity.
"I'm trying really hard to take care of myself this year." you should. because you deserve the best. because you're amazing and perfect and gifted and i love you.
you should go see a movie, madame. i can't imagine that it taking that much from your time. you deserve to cool down and relax even in the midst of intensity. it is not abnormal to take time for yourself.
i think the biggest advice for me is that do what for yourself what you'd advise others to do. if i was overworking myself and contemplating going to a movie, you'd want me too. ;) <3
oooh! yes for fun things planned! you deserve to enjoy it 100000% and more!
if it helps, you don't need to prove to me that you're stronger than your mind. i already know that you are.
food fears come slowly...
if a relationship isn't healthy, you owe it to yourself to step back. you deserve the best. it is okay to have high standards. unless he does something spectacular, i'd forget about him.
if something is heavy, you can either do two things: a) ask someone to help lift it or b) lighten the load. you are strong enough to carry it, my love, but sometimes, you don't need to. just don't forget that. <3
comment reply:
"It makes me laugh every time I think about it because its just ridiculous to imagine a brand new intern staring at massive amounts of poo and thinking about a ham sandwich. Sorry if that's disgusting." disgusting??? i relate to her. seriously.
i've been in a bowel surgery before and the doctor told me to stand right next to him so i had a 1000% view of everything. all i could think about was what i wanted to eat as the doctor weeded through intestines right in front of me.
ReplyDeletei didn't have a strong stomach but by the end of gynae, i'm pretty unphased by it. it took me maybe 2 days to get used to it, and then i could see pretty much everything.
"such a winding, looping, backtracking path." that's true. honestly, it's the truest thing about recovery. like instead of going in straight lines, it's always like here, there, loop back, forward, down, up. it's exhausting. it's hard to be good at recovery from the beginning or even in the middle. truth is it's probably the hardest thing most people with ED's have to go through. recovery is really difficult. the real trick is trying to better yourself. the more you invest in it, the more you'll get out of it just as anything else. even if you don't think it's working, there's some high mental process that is happening as long as you try. even if you're not actively trying, it still somehow helps. i don't know how to explain that. and you fall in the rabbit hole so easily without even knowing.
"In my more positive moments, I can really allow myself to picture what it would be like to go to the gym because I like exercise, or to eat what I wanted because it was good for my body not good for my /mind/."
i think that you should eat what's good for both. just because a chocolate cake isn't healthy doesn't mean it's not helping a mental process. we live so much in restrictions that we need to learn to let that go. i think that's becoming even more popular too, that people are seeing that you can eat more. that you should eat more. that you shouldn't confine yourself to certain numbers. that it is okay to eat more than other people, etc.
and it is! <3 you deserve to be FREE. honestly. i hate the fact that you're feeling this way. honestly. because you deserve the best of the best of the best. and i wouldn't wish this pain on my greatest enemy. and you are far from that! <3
smoothies... yeah. i've never tried a green one. not for any reason other than i don't like the colour. i much prefer orange/pink/blue smoothies. they LOOK so much nicer!!! the avo one... not a fan like i said before. i'm still trying to not imagine the mushiness of the avocado in my smoothie! oh! the place that i go to for smoothies also makes these dessert smoothies!
thank you, honey. i'm working on recovery 100% of the time. committed to a healthier life (not just physically but mentally too!). i wish the best for you and i hope one day you can beat these ED thoughts and finally feel like you are free from it all and that you can do what you want to do. <3
please take care of yourself!! WATCH THAT MOVIE!! watch 10 if you want!
i love you, gorgeous. please take care.
- Sam Lupin
I agree with Sam - stay in the blogosphere! Too many people are disappearing this year :(
ReplyDeleteI've gotta say, I'm really impressed by your dedication to your education. As someone who never graduated high school, I'm in awe by the amount of extra work you're taking on.
That bridge sounds terrifying. I hate heights too. I did a tree top walk at a similar height some years ago, and these asshole kids kept shaking the bridge. As if it wasn't scary enough when it was stable!
I hope you got out to see your movie. It sounds like you definitely deserve a break!
xx
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