Saturday, October 18, 2014
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Not A Good Day
I spent the weekend up in a college town to spend time with my very best friend, who goes to school up there. Everything was all good on Saturday, but then took a turn for the worst on Sunday, when I woke up and couldn't swallow without immense pain. Every time my clothes touched my skin there was a searing pain, every muscle in my body ached, my head was pounding and I could not get warm. Monday, I woke up, dragged myself to school (it was only 2 class periods) and then came home. My mom got me an appointment for 1:30 and I proceeded to spend two and a half hours there. It was horrible.
My temperature started out at 102.3
Does she have pneumonia? No, her lungs don't sound right and her oxygen levels are fine.
How about strep? No, her tests came back negative.
Let's examine her more-her temp is now 103
When I push on her belly, she complains that it hurts.
Maybe it's a UTI? Here, pee in this cup.
What about the start of Influenza?
We can't test for that here...
Hmmm maybe we should give her some pills.
Alright, go get your blood drawn so we can figure it out.
Your white blood cell counts are fine...
Temp- 99.9
There's nothing more we can do here, so we'll call in the morning with your test results. Until then, here, take this antibiotic and if you break out in a rash from head to toe, that's a clear sign that it's mono! Have a great day!
I may or may not have cried four times during the two and a half hours.
OH! And the best part? When I stepped onto the doctor's scale, it was 133.5. The highest I think I've ever been. Let. Me. Die.
I'm just really overwhelmed right now. I never do well when I'm sick.
Tomorrow I have a meeting with a lady from one of my top college choices so I'm hoping I at least don't throw up all over her, or start shaking like I'm some sort of freak.
At least I have the next two days of school off. Yay for being a senior.
Hope the rest of y'all are doing better than me.
Love,
Lee
My temperature started out at 102.3
Does she have pneumonia? No, her lungs don't sound right and her oxygen levels are fine.
How about strep? No, her tests came back negative.
Let's examine her more-her temp is now 103
When I push on her belly, she complains that it hurts.
Maybe it's a UTI? Here, pee in this cup.
What about the start of Influenza?
We can't test for that here...
Hmmm maybe we should give her some pills.
Alright, go get your blood drawn so we can figure it out.
Your white blood cell counts are fine...
Temp- 99.9
There's nothing more we can do here, so we'll call in the morning with your test results. Until then, here, take this antibiotic and if you break out in a rash from head to toe, that's a clear sign that it's mono! Have a great day!
I may or may not have cried four times during the two and a half hours.
OH! And the best part? When I stepped onto the doctor's scale, it was 133.5. The highest I think I've ever been. Let. Me. Die.
I'm just really overwhelmed right now. I never do well when I'm sick.
Tomorrow I have a meeting with a lady from one of my top college choices so I'm hoping I at least don't throw up all over her, or start shaking like I'm some sort of freak.
At least I have the next two days of school off. Yay for being a senior.
Hope the rest of y'all are doing better than me.
Love,
Lee
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Chavez
Today a man came into my Psychology class and gave us an inspirational speech.
I've heard inspirational speeches thousands of times. I went through this period last year where those were all I would listen to. But I've never internalized any of them. Until now.
He told us all about his life, about being raised as a Mexican Jew and all the shit he took for that. About his dad dying when he was two months old. About being molested, and picked on, and beaten day after day. About how he looked at the gang-bangers in his family and wanted to be them. About being arrested, doing drugs, cheating on his first wife, being kicked out of two colleges and then dropping out of two colleges. And he just kept repeating "I am so grateful for these things that happened to me." And I cried.
Just one tear.
I was raped in the seventh grade by a girl. Not only did I experience the shame of the rape, but also the shame of the homosexual implications. I am not gay, and although I am a full supporter of the LGBTQ community, it took me until Junior year to stop being suspicious and wary of lesbians because of that experience.
This man, he looked right at me and said "When you are angry, when you refuse to forgive someone for something they have done, that's you handcuffing yourself to that person and letting them tag along with you for the rest of your life. You have to overcome the bitterness."
But what if I can't??
He told us this story about these two brothers who were raised by an abusive father. The father was an alcoholic and drug addict, basically stereotypical dead beat dad. And one of his kids turned out just like him. And the other was a straight-A, happy, healthy man. They were interviewed on the same day, at the same time, in two seperate rooms and they were both asked "Why do you think you turned out like this?" And they both answered "With a father like mine, what did you expect?"
I think that's so powerful.
He said "everyday, you are one step closer to becoming one of those men. Who are you going to be?" And right now? Right now I'm going to be the first man. I am so angry all the time. I don't take my pills because they don't let me feel anything and sometimes, I get this deep ache in the bottom of my stomach and I just miss being angry. Which is fucked up. I get that. I know. But I can't let it go. Sometimes I can't even think about anything but all this anger that's inside of me so I just start drinking, and then I turn into an angry drunk and then I always get this earth shattering revelation that I am just like my father and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm angry at my rapist, I'm angry at the detective who told me "People in the LGBTQ community aren't capable of rape." I'm angry at my father for telling me he loved me for the first time in 15 years because he felt guilty about my silence. I'm angry at my mom for letting me be raised in the type of household that I grew up in. I'm angry at my friends for never asking if I'm okay. I'm angry at this guy, who I've never even fucking heard of before today coming in and turning my entire world upside fucking down.
And I'm scared.
I'm scared that the minute I have to live alone, I'll off myself.
I want my seven children. I want my beautiful wedding and my college degree, and my own house and a car that I bought by myself and a steady, amazing job, but I can't see passed all this anger inside of me. I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to unhand-cuff myself.
<3Lee
P.S. I really want to thank Bella, Christie and Depressed Skinny Mess for your kind words. Thank you. You brightened my day <3
I've heard inspirational speeches thousands of times. I went through this period last year where those were all I would listen to. But I've never internalized any of them. Until now.
He told us all about his life, about being raised as a Mexican Jew and all the shit he took for that. About his dad dying when he was two months old. About being molested, and picked on, and beaten day after day. About how he looked at the gang-bangers in his family and wanted to be them. About being arrested, doing drugs, cheating on his first wife, being kicked out of two colleges and then dropping out of two colleges. And he just kept repeating "I am so grateful for these things that happened to me." And I cried.
Just one tear.
I was raped in the seventh grade by a girl. Not only did I experience the shame of the rape, but also the shame of the homosexual implications. I am not gay, and although I am a full supporter of the LGBTQ community, it took me until Junior year to stop being suspicious and wary of lesbians because of that experience.
This man, he looked right at me and said "When you are angry, when you refuse to forgive someone for something they have done, that's you handcuffing yourself to that person and letting them tag along with you for the rest of your life. You have to overcome the bitterness."
But what if I can't??
He told us this story about these two brothers who were raised by an abusive father. The father was an alcoholic and drug addict, basically stereotypical dead beat dad. And one of his kids turned out just like him. And the other was a straight-A, happy, healthy man. They were interviewed on the same day, at the same time, in two seperate rooms and they were both asked "Why do you think you turned out like this?" And they both answered "With a father like mine, what did you expect?"
I think that's so powerful.
He said "everyday, you are one step closer to becoming one of those men. Who are you going to be?" And right now? Right now I'm going to be the first man. I am so angry all the time. I don't take my pills because they don't let me feel anything and sometimes, I get this deep ache in the bottom of my stomach and I just miss being angry. Which is fucked up. I get that. I know. But I can't let it go. Sometimes I can't even think about anything but all this anger that's inside of me so I just start drinking, and then I turn into an angry drunk and then I always get this earth shattering revelation that I am just like my father and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm angry at my rapist, I'm angry at the detective who told me "People in the LGBTQ community aren't capable of rape." I'm angry at my father for telling me he loved me for the first time in 15 years because he felt guilty about my silence. I'm angry at my mom for letting me be raised in the type of household that I grew up in. I'm angry at my friends for never asking if I'm okay. I'm angry at this guy, who I've never even fucking heard of before today coming in and turning my entire world upside fucking down.
And I'm scared.
I'm scared that the minute I have to live alone, I'll off myself.
I want my seven children. I want my beautiful wedding and my college degree, and my own house and a car that I bought by myself and a steady, amazing job, but I can't see passed all this anger inside of me. I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to unhand-cuff myself.
<3Lee
P.S. I really want to thank Bella, Christie and Depressed Skinny Mess for your kind words. Thank you. You brightened my day <3
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Back?
As y'all have probably guessed, I'm a very sporadic person. I've never been able to stick with one thing for very long, so just love me through the long stretches between my posts.
Let's see. What's been happening...
My BMI is 22.1 which is so embarrassing. Most days I don't even wanna get out of bed.
My "best friend" told me that she knowingly lied to get my rape case dismissed and that I deserved what that girl did to me.
My sister's ex-boyfriend's family told her abusive ex-husband where she lives, and since he's been looking for her since he got out of jail, her life is basically in danger.
I have a new guy in my life and he's wonderful but I don't think he'll stay. I keep telling myself that it's my senior year, I don't want a boyfriend that I'll just have to leave in a few months anyway, but sometimes when we're talking, I imagine what our relationship could be like. This kid has no idea how fucked up I am, but he's so...good, and I don't wanna taint that with my imperfections.
I'm so stressed out and angry inside. I thought I had accepted what happened to me, and the results that came out of it. But hearing my ex-best friend tell me that she knowingly lied to the detective to get my case dismissed was so fucking heart breaking and all the pain from the last few years is washing over me again.
My mother is so fucking livid. She considered her a daughter, and this is a betrayal to both of us.
Last Friday was the one year anniversary of my mom and I's moving out. Time flies. This year has definitely not been easy for either of us, but we got through it.
I'm not sure what else to say...
On the bright side, I've been accepted into three of the five colleges I applied to so far....so that's nice!
I hope y'all are doing good!
<3 Lee
Let's see. What's been happening...
My BMI is 22.1 which is so embarrassing. Most days I don't even wanna get out of bed.
My "best friend" told me that she knowingly lied to get my rape case dismissed and that I deserved what that girl did to me.
My sister's ex-boyfriend's family told her abusive ex-husband where she lives, and since he's been looking for her since he got out of jail, her life is basically in danger.
I have a new guy in my life and he's wonderful but I don't think he'll stay. I keep telling myself that it's my senior year, I don't want a boyfriend that I'll just have to leave in a few months anyway, but sometimes when we're talking, I imagine what our relationship could be like. This kid has no idea how fucked up I am, but he's so...good, and I don't wanna taint that with my imperfections.
I'm so stressed out and angry inside. I thought I had accepted what happened to me, and the results that came out of it. But hearing my ex-best friend tell me that she knowingly lied to the detective to get my case dismissed was so fucking heart breaking and all the pain from the last few years is washing over me again.
My mother is so fucking livid. She considered her a daughter, and this is a betrayal to both of us.
Last Friday was the one year anniversary of my mom and I's moving out. Time flies. This year has definitely not been easy for either of us, but we got through it.
I'm not sure what else to say...
On the bright side, I've been accepted into three of the five colleges I applied to so far....so that's nice!
I hope y'all are doing good!
<3 Lee
Monday, July 28, 2014
I'm just a voodoo doll
I sized him up and I shot him a grin
I said, "whatcha gonna do, nick your wrist and call your girlfriend?"
He tried to smile, with tears in his eyes, he said
"It's not a joke man, it's not a joke
Tonight I'm leaving this place, I've got a knife in my car,
and when I run out of gas, I'll lay into my arm"
-Last Night On Earth by Skyfox
I haven't really posted in awhile. Honestly, I just get so caught up in reading everyone else's blogs and then I get stuck in my own head and when I finally get a second to breathe, it's been a few weeks. Oh well.
Life is going okay. I'm still pretty fat, at 125 lbs. The diet I mentioned did NOT go well, due to my bright idea of having five people sleep over for like, three days straight. But I do notice that my fat is moving around. I used to carry it in my hips, but now they seem smoother and my calves seem thicker. So it goes.
I've been going non-stop for the last few days and not really allowing myself a chance to just chill out. Concerts, friends, sleepovers, drinking, partying, etc etc, and it's honestly all just becoming too much.
My mom leaves tomorrow for a four day business trip, so that means I'll be home alone and hopefully I can get myself down to 120 at least, or maybe into the 110's. We'll see.
One of my best friends honestly really hurt me the other day with something he said and I'm struggling to get over it and not let it get to me, but it still smarts. I miss the way him and I used to be.
School starts in a week. I'm half looking forward to it, and half dreading it. My schedule is a little messy, but I got some good classes with a majority of my friends. I just don't know how often I'll get to see them outside of school. I've got three classes and an internship, but hopefully I can add an extra class so I can spend less time at my internship and more time with friends. You're supposed to enjoy senior year, right?
In two weeks I get to go see my sister, whom I love dearly, and I'm so freaking excited. She lives in Texas, which means I'm going to fly for the first time by myself, which is fucking with my anxiety, but whatever.
Back to reading and commenting!
Hope y'all are doing well
<3 Lee
I said, "whatcha gonna do, nick your wrist and call your girlfriend?"
He tried to smile, with tears in his eyes, he said
"It's not a joke man, it's not a joke
Tonight I'm leaving this place, I've got a knife in my car,
and when I run out of gas, I'll lay into my arm"
-Last Night On Earth by Skyfox
I haven't really posted in awhile. Honestly, I just get so caught up in reading everyone else's blogs and then I get stuck in my own head and when I finally get a second to breathe, it's been a few weeks. Oh well.
Life is going okay. I'm still pretty fat, at 125 lbs. The diet I mentioned did NOT go well, due to my bright idea of having five people sleep over for like, three days straight. But I do notice that my fat is moving around. I used to carry it in my hips, but now they seem smoother and my calves seem thicker. So it goes.
I've been going non-stop for the last few days and not really allowing myself a chance to just chill out. Concerts, friends, sleepovers, drinking, partying, etc etc, and it's honestly all just becoming too much.
My mom leaves tomorrow for a four day business trip, so that means I'll be home alone and hopefully I can get myself down to 120 at least, or maybe into the 110's. We'll see.
One of my best friends honestly really hurt me the other day with something he said and I'm struggling to get over it and not let it get to me, but it still smarts. I miss the way him and I used to be.
School starts in a week. I'm half looking forward to it, and half dreading it. My schedule is a little messy, but I got some good classes with a majority of my friends. I just don't know how often I'll get to see them outside of school. I've got three classes and an internship, but hopefully I can add an extra class so I can spend less time at my internship and more time with friends. You're supposed to enjoy senior year, right?
In two weeks I get to go see my sister, whom I love dearly, and I'm so freaking excited. She lives in Texas, which means I'm going to fly for the first time by myself, which is fucking with my anxiety, but whatever.
Back to reading and commenting!
Hope y'all are doing well
<3 Lee
Sunday, July 13, 2014
SUCCESS
Today, I successfully convinced my mom to let me go on the Sacred Heart Diet.
More later on
<3 Lee
More later on
<3 Lee
Sunday, July 6, 2014
I feel...alright.
I am definitely NOT an exercise person. At all. But while I was scrolling through Pinterest, I happened to find these two amazing work outs that I honestly find so much fun. "Fuuuuuun?" my mother asked when I told her. Yes. Fun. Weird, right?
My metabolism has honestly just given up on me at this point. Nowadays, I can literally have nothing but an apple and when I wake up, I'll be two pounds heavier. Nothing seems to help. So it was kind of refreshing to get on my scale at all different times in my day and see that number going continuously down. It's nowhere near where I need it to be, and it's honestly such an embarrassing number, but it's at least going in the correct direction now.
I passed my AP test that I have been stressing out about for a few months now, so that's a huge relief off my shoulders. However, school is looming in the near future and I don't want to go back as fat as I was when I left. I'll cry. So, kicking my butt into high gear is the only option. I'll try to post more often, as well.
And oh my goodness, eight followers?! Thank y'all SO much!
<3 Lee
*Update: I just calculated my bmi and it is literally smack dab in the middle of the healthy range. *sigh*
My metabolism has honestly just given up on me at this point. Nowadays, I can literally have nothing but an apple and when I wake up, I'll be two pounds heavier. Nothing seems to help. So it was kind of refreshing to get on my scale at all different times in my day and see that number going continuously down. It's nowhere near where I need it to be, and it's honestly such an embarrassing number, but it's at least going in the correct direction now.
I passed my AP test that I have been stressing out about for a few months now, so that's a huge relief off my shoulders. However, school is looming in the near future and I don't want to go back as fat as I was when I left. I'll cry. So, kicking my butt into high gear is the only option. I'll try to post more often, as well.
And oh my goodness, eight followers?! Thank y'all SO much!
<3 Lee
*Update: I just calculated my bmi and it is literally smack dab in the middle of the healthy range. *sigh*
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