The Killers

My friend has this sticky note pinned above her desk that has a quote from The Killers written on it. It says "I'm so much older than I can take" and if that doesn't sum things up, I don't know what will.

I am so tired.

I am so tired of living in this body in this world that can't ever seem to get anything right. I am too large, too loud, too awkward, generally just not enough and too much all at once.

I live with someone who is basically my sister reincarnated. It's really weird and it makes me miss her sometimes. She calls, but I never answer because how am I supposed to tell her "Sorry I never came to see you when your baby died. I was busy trying to kill myself." She'd go nuts. She'd call my parents screaming and that's the last thing I need.

I am so weary.

I'm finally getting my life together, but it's like I'm still missing out on so much.

My sleep schedule is mostly okay now, but I didn't sleep well last night and therefore accidentally slept through my gym time this evening. That wasn't fun. But I did buy myself a book that I've been waiting for forever. It got released today and since I was already in the town that the nearest bookstore is in (a good 16 miles away from where I live), I bought it.

Long story short, from the book, I got a tattoo idea and a bunch of signs from the universe that I'm supposed to go to Portland soon. I'm real big on following signs from the universe, so I'll probably go with some friends next summer.

I don't want to step on the scale, but I also can't just...not. So. There's that. I'm gonna take my body measurements and do some before pictures pretty soon. Maybe I'll post them. We'll see.

This post was everywhere, but I'm just trying to get back in the swing of posting things so that's okay.

Hope y'all are doing okay.
<3 Lee

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

Hey y'all! I'm just gonna start by jumping right into what I've been up to the last few months.

Last year was my Freshman year of college, and I had a blast for awhile there, but eventually everything fell apart as usual. I had a good friend, and a nephew both die and that destroyed me. My grandpa was having health problems, I broke with a few good friends (for the better!), and it all resulted in me not ever attending class second semester. So. I failed all those classes and having never failed anything in my life, that was pretty fucking terrible y'all. But it's okay, I'm back and I'm doing okay.

I live in a house with three other girls and I HATE one of them. I'll call her L. Oh my God. Shoot me. One of them is EXACTLY like my sister (A)and let me tell you, it's real weird living with her. She constantly yells at our other roommate K., which makes me feel bad for K. But it's a roof over my head so that's good.

I'm trying to drop out of my sorority for various reasons but the girl who's in charge of processing that basically told me "If you stay for another year, you can be Alum, and during this year you won't have to pay dues or go to any events or anything". Uhm. Okay? Sounds good??

I'm starting a fitness plan soon (I know, I know, when AREN'T I starting a fitness plan, right?) But I think this time it'll be for real (quit laughing) because my best friend and I are going to hike this incline that is basically 2,744 stairs straight up a mountain sooooo if I don't follow through on this plan, that's for real going to suck. Let's hope it sticks.

I'm heavier than I've ever been in my entire life so there's that.

I had this terrible break up awhile ago and it's still fucking me up, but I think I'm finally starting to heal from it.

I'm taking this dance class as one of my courses at college and I was pretty worried about it because I am in no way physically fit at all, but it's actually super fun, all the people are nice, and I nailed my choreography last class which is something I have tons of trouble with so yay me!

I've been super on top of my homework and I think this semester is going to be really good for me. I live about 5 minutes walking distance away from a counseling center so I'm thinking of going back to therapy. It's so close, I kind of don't have a reason not to. The only thing stopping me from doing it is this deal I've made with myself that if I go back to therapy I have to actually work through my issues instead of doing what I normally do and pretend like I'm fine. The truth is, I know exactly why I'm so fucked up. I just can't bear admitting it out loud. If I go back, I'm going to have to remember something I spent a long time and a huge amount of energy trying to forget. So...Idk but I'll make a decision soon.

I also tried to kill myself on April 4th, and soon after my mom got me a dog so that was unexpected. She doesn't live with me at my house though, she stays with my mom and I really miss her.

Anyway, I'm glossing over a lot of things, but I'm just real excited to be back. I hope everyone has been doing real well.

Love y'all
<3 Lee

You're adorable as hell but I'm glancing at your wrist

I've been gone awhile, but that's so me,

I don't know what to say, really.

It's my first year of college and I'm doing okay, but it's been hard. I haven't made many friends and although I was accepted into a sorority, it doesn't really feel like I'm apart of it, you know? Although today when I walked through the house doors to grab my Big presents, they all cheered and seemed happy that I was there. It was nice, coming in to that kind of response.

This week is just a week full of presents from my Big sister, who remains anonymous until our retreat on Friday, but I'm pretty sure I know who it is and I couldn't be happier. She's the only one I've really connected with, and I work with her too, so I'm thrilled. I think I just need to be more involved.

I'm going to the doctor soon to get back on my depression medication and see if I can get something for my anxiety.

I think last I wrote, I had lost my soulmate and was dating some other guy. In August, my soulmate came back and it was a blissful month together, but ever since then we've been fighting and breaking up. This time, it's serious and I know I need to make a change. So I'm doing it. I'm gonna get better. I have this anger inside of me that I can't seem to get rid of at all, so I'll be working on that. I need him back. I know we're meant to be and watching him with someone else will kill me, especially because now I know I won't ever feel the same way about anyone as I feel about him. I love him too much to let myself destroy this.

I miss my home. I miss my mom. I miss high school, and kissing him in front of my classes, and going out to lunch with my friends and just doing stupid kid stuff. The weight of my responsibilities is crushing me. Honestly, maybe it's the anxiety and the depression talking, but sometimes I think I'd really like to die. The thought of just pure nothingness fills me with so much joy. I believe in Heaven, but if nothing happens, it's still a win/win. Of course, I won't do this. I'll schedule therapy sessions and take my meds, and just generally be a good little girl for awhile.

Truth be told, I'm fat. That's the one illness I refuse to give up. I'm convinced that I can get down to my goal weight and then just leave all of this behind. Of course I know it never ever works like that, but I'm the kind of person who needs to keep making the same mistakes over and over until it finally occurs to me that I'm an idiot.

College is hard. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I don't have the energy to do anything. Ever. I roll out of bed five minutes before I have to leave, and throw on sweatpants and a ponytail. Most days I can't bring myself to shower. I just don't have enough spoons lately*

I don't think I can do this. I'm too scared, I'm not good enough, it's too hard. But like my ex-boyfriend always says, that's quitter talk. So I'll tough it out. I'll try everything I can.

My few saving graces are that I got the best roommate ever, I have my best friend here with me, I have people to eat with every day, and I love my teachers. I may be struggling, but I have a support system.

I'm so contradictory. I don't know. I'll post again soon.

Love you all. Be well.
<3 Lee

*Spoons, for those of you who don't know, is a common metaphor for depression. The average person has an unlimited amount of spoons on any given day. But someone with depression, or really any mental illness only have about 20. Showering costs 5 spoons, remembering to eat costs 10 spoons, social interaction costs 3 spoons, putting on clothes takes 2 spoons, doing homework takes 7 spoons, getting out of bed takes 5 spoons, brushing your teeth takes 3 spoons (I'm just assigning random numbers to random things, and obviously some people have waaaay more spoons than others, I'm just giving you the general idea) and so on.

Blueberry and Orange Tea

"We make it meaningful by caring about it." -John Green

So I think I mentioned in one of the last posts that I had met the love of my life. He broke up with me. It was ugly and terrible and I miss him so fucking much. I have a new boyfriend and he's super sweet and he worships me and he's my best friend and he's been in love with me for almost the past year. I just can't help but still love my ex. He was my everything. I've been dreaming about him lately. I hate that we'll probably never see each other again. I really thought we would end up together. That's probably pretty stupid, because we're so young. But I honestly felt it in my soul that he was The One. I hate him for leaving and I hate myself even more for not being able to hate him and for pushing him away. Everything just really freaking sucks.

Anyway, I'm slllllllloooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwlllllllllllyyyyyyyyy losing. I'm 141 on the dot this morning. My boyfriend and I fight about how much I eat, and how I perceive myself and all that crap. It sucks. It sucks even more that I can't sort out my feelings about anything. I'm hiding from life, and I hate that because I swore to myself that I would be different, that I would take every chance life gave me.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

I love you all.
Thank you to Cursum Perficio, Sam Lupin, and Mandy Devoidde for your comments on my last post.  I really appreciate them.

<3 Lee

She's always screaming when she's calling her friends

My girlfriend's bitchin' cause I always sleep in
She's always screaming when she's calling her friends
She's kinda hot though
Yeah she's kinda hot though
(Just an itty bitty little bit hot)

My shrink is telling me I've got crazy dreams
She's also saying I've got low self-esteem
She's kinda hot though
Yeah she's kinda hot though
(Just an itty bitty little bit hot)

She put me on meds
She won't get out of my head
She's kinda hot though

 -5 Seconds of Summer

It's been awhile, as usual. I'm at an all time high weight, but at least I'm doing something about it. I bought a vial of hCG 1234 drops, and so far I guess they're working okay. I'm losing weight, though not as much as I hope to. 

College starts in a month and I'm so scared, but I'm also soo excited. This is a chance to reinvent myself as someone who is down for anything and who has their life together. I want to join a sorority, and in order to be pretty enough to be accepted, I'm going to have to be at least as skinny as I was when I started high school, which was a solid 22 pounds thinner than I am now. And to think, I used to think I was a monstrosity when I was 120. Ugh. How did I let myself go this much?

Anyway, I pretty much already like my classes, without even taking a day of them. I'm taking two English classes (my major), a Philosophy class (I'm so excited for this one!), a Psychology class, and a Sociology class. 

I also like my roommate, she seems pretty nice, so that's good. 

I've had 650 calories today. 142.0 at 8:00pm. Let's hope for a smaller number tomorrow.

<3 Lee

 

That's not how our song goes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mImrPBvDoFI


This is such a throw back song, but my friend D reminded me of it and I'm obsessed with it all over again (:

In recent news, I went to the doctors to get my foot checked out because it's been really bothering me, and my weight was horrendous. And I know I was wearing all my clothes and my shoes but I was still on the verge of tears the entire time. It didn't really help that the woman who took my weight wrote it as big as she possibly could on the page for everyone to see. This is as heavy as I've ever been and I don't know how to get back in control here.

I guess I'll figure it out??

I don't know.

In other news, my best friend is here from college and I'm so happy to have him home. He is staying at my house, so my mom cleaned the entire place and hung up signs saying "Welcome Home C!" I swear, he's her favorite kid lol. He hung out with my boyfriend and really seemed to like him, so that's good. He came home so he could go with me to one of our friend's surprise birthday party and it was so much fun to just be surrounded by my best friends and see her so happy. We went bowling and then back to the birthday girl's house to roast marshmallows in her backyard around her fire. It was amazing. I didn't want it to ever end, because for a night I didn't have to hate myself...

Anyways, I hope you guys are taking care of yourselves.
<3 Lee

I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

I feel like Daisy from the Great Gatsby. I don't know how many of you have read that book/seen the movie, but there is this scene where Gatsby is throwing clothes over the railing onto Daisy, and she starts crying because she is overwhelmed by the beauty of them/is a shallow bitch. I've had a pretty bad shopping addiction lately. Online shopping, in store shopping, even dreaming about shopping. It is honestly getting severely out of hand. But if I can't be pretty, at least I should have pretty things, right? Anyway, I feel like Daisy because I was gathering up all of the things I have bought in the last week and a half (including pictures of the things yet to come) and I was almost moved to tears about how wonderful everything was. It was ridiculous.

I really don't know how I'm going to make it as a starving, poor, college student. I love nice things too much.

In college news, I am stepping WAY outside of my comfort zone and attending an overnight stay at my future college (where I do not know anyone), complete with a skinny body (fingers crossed), a magnetic personality (HAHA), and hopefully the ability to make it through the day without crying (HAHAHAHAHA). As you can see, I'm soooooo looking forward to this. But in all seriousness, I think it might be good for me, and who knows, I might have the time of my life. And if it does indeed all go south, my best friend is a 15 minute drive away. Blegh.

In high school news, my wonderful, loving, maternal Psych teacher has decided she hates us and has given us FIVE huge assignments due in a month. Not just any month though, oh no, the month before we graduate. I've had Senioritis since I was a Freshman, I can already tell that this will not be going well.

In other news, I am going to actually start making use of my gym membership and attend a cycling and yoga class every night except Friday and Sunday. (I don't get out of school early enough for the Friday classes, and they are closed on Sundays.)

And finally, in relationship news, I have found my soulmate. 

Yeah. 

It's kind of hard to care about anything besides him, but you know, I'm trying. Especially after I met his mother, who by the way has 6 kids and is probably 100 pounds soaking wet. Like...how???

Anyway, I hope you girls are well, and I hope you're taking care of yourselves. I'll get caught up on blogs soon!
Love,
Lee