And I got that red lip classic thing that you like
And when we go crashing down we come back every time
Cause we never go out of style
We never go out of style
Kayla Itsines' program is honestly working pretty well. I took my measurements before I started and then again exactly one week in, and so far I've lost about 1/2 an inch everywhere except for my love handles, but hey, whatever. A half inch maybe isn't a lot to most of you, but honestly any sign that this is working for me gives me hope that I can complete the grueling exercises and terrifying eating plan. The only bad thing is that I lost 3/4 of an inch from my bust. Which, I mean, it's not like my boyfriend is a boob man anyway, but still. Why does it always have to be the boobs that go first? I think if I had one wish it would be to be able to pick where the weight comes off of. Oh well. Que sera sera, right?
Any who, I'm really looking forward to my measurements next week. I can barely walk because my thighs hurt so bad so hopefully there will be some muscle development there.
I honestly want to thank everyone for their wonderful comments on my last post. You girls honestly and completely make my day so much better.
I hope everyone is taking care of themselves and that you're happy, whatever that looks like to you.
Love,
Lee
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Sunday, February 22, 2015
I'm so heartless, thoughtless, lawless and flawless, smallest regardless, largest in charge
Yeah, my title is from a Nicki Minaj song. Sue me.
So a few months ago I was emailed a complete Kayla Itsines guide by the wonderful Miss Piggy over at zerointentions, but I never got around to it. I think I glanced at it once or twice, and then tossed the idea in favor of starving and restricting. It seemed easier at the time. Fast forward to a few days ago, when I was looking through my Instagram and stumbled across Kayla Itsines account. It was full of pictures of gorgeous women and thousands of testimonials and I found myself wishing I was just like them. And then it hit me, that I had her guide. I could be like the girls on the account. I have access to the meal plans, the exercise plans, the motivation...everything. And not only that, but as I was scrolling through Kayla's Instagram, my friend peeked over my shoulder and mentioned that she, too, had the program. One thing led to another and I now have a solid work out plan and a workout buddy to do this with me.
Can you say score?
Listen. I'm so fucking sick of everything. I've hated my body since I was eleven. This entire blog is basically me bitching about it and then sitting on my ass and then wondering why I'm still so fat. Starving and restricting don't work for me. It's pretty clear that the more I deny myself food, the bigger the impending screw up is. And yet, for some reason, I keep going back to it all because I lose a few pounds within the first few days. I've tried Recovery, and I can't seem to ever stick with it. Why? Because I want the weight loss, not the ability to say I overcame something that it never looked like I had in the first place. I understand EDs are within a person's mind and go so much deeper than what people can see on the surface of our bodies, and yet, somehow, that applies to everyone else, not me. I can look at any one of the people I follow on here and my heart hurts for them because they are struggling, even if their bodies don't show it. But when it comes to myself? No. I cannot be sick unless I am underweight.
Ay yi yi.
This way of thinking is so incredibly tiring and I know the wonderful people who follow me are sick of my wavering, because I'm sick of it too.
Eve got me to thinking about the way my mind works and the way I've been approaching "healthy" and here's what figured out:
I don't think I want to lose weight. (Sidenote: of course I want to lose weight, that's been the driving force of my entire life for seven or more years. But it's not the most important thing.)
What I really want is to not jiggle. To not have to suck in every second of every day. To not have to hide my arm fat, or my thighs or anything else in super baggy clothes. I want to wear cute things. I want to be...dare I say it? Fit.
And here's my confession. I worked out last night, as per Kayla's plan. And I took my measurements, my pictures and my weight. And when I woke up today, I snuck onto the scale, and saw that I had lost two pounds. But instead of being upset that I hadn't lost more, or immediately calculating how much I could lose, or setting goals for myself, I took a deep breath and I told myself I was excited that I was taking this first step towards being truly and honestly happy with my body.
Let's see how long this good mood lasts, okay?
I hope y'all are doing well.
<3 Lee
So a few months ago I was emailed a complete Kayla Itsines guide by the wonderful Miss Piggy over at zerointentions, but I never got around to it. I think I glanced at it once or twice, and then tossed the idea in favor of starving and restricting. It seemed easier at the time. Fast forward to a few days ago, when I was looking through my Instagram and stumbled across Kayla Itsines account. It was full of pictures of gorgeous women and thousands of testimonials and I found myself wishing I was just like them. And then it hit me, that I had her guide. I could be like the girls on the account. I have access to the meal plans, the exercise plans, the motivation...everything. And not only that, but as I was scrolling through Kayla's Instagram, my friend peeked over my shoulder and mentioned that she, too, had the program. One thing led to another and I now have a solid work out plan and a workout buddy to do this with me.
Can you say score?
Listen. I'm so fucking sick of everything. I've hated my body since I was eleven. This entire blog is basically me bitching about it and then sitting on my ass and then wondering why I'm still so fat. Starving and restricting don't work for me. It's pretty clear that the more I deny myself food, the bigger the impending screw up is. And yet, for some reason, I keep going back to it all because I lose a few pounds within the first few days. I've tried Recovery, and I can't seem to ever stick with it. Why? Because I want the weight loss, not the ability to say I overcame something that it never looked like I had in the first place. I understand EDs are within a person's mind and go so much deeper than what people can see on the surface of our bodies, and yet, somehow, that applies to everyone else, not me. I can look at any one of the people I follow on here and my heart hurts for them because they are struggling, even if their bodies don't show it. But when it comes to myself? No. I cannot be sick unless I am underweight.
Ay yi yi.
This way of thinking is so incredibly tiring and I know the wonderful people who follow me are sick of my wavering, because I'm sick of it too.
Eve got me to thinking about the way my mind works and the way I've been approaching "healthy" and here's what figured out:
I don't think I want to lose weight. (Sidenote: of course I want to lose weight, that's been the driving force of my entire life for seven or more years. But it's not the most important thing.)
What I really want is to not jiggle. To not have to suck in every second of every day. To not have to hide my arm fat, or my thighs or anything else in super baggy clothes. I want to wear cute things. I want to be...dare I say it? Fit.
And here's my confession. I worked out last night, as per Kayla's plan. And I took my measurements, my pictures and my weight. And when I woke up today, I snuck onto the scale, and saw that I had lost two pounds. But instead of being upset that I hadn't lost more, or immediately calculating how much I could lose, or setting goals for myself, I took a deep breath and I told myself I was excited that I was taking this first step towards being truly and honestly happy with my body.
Let's see how long this good mood lasts, okay?
I hope y'all are doing well.
<3 Lee
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Man, we never had a chance
Okay, so here's the deal. I'm heavy. Like. Almost heavier than my highest weight ever. And when I started this blog, 120 was like, the end-all-be-all breaking point of my sanity. The moment I hit it, I would freak out and restrict and exercise and it was crazy. Now, I'm about fourteen pounds higher than that. Yeah. WTF.
So....yeah. Somewhere along the way, I've lost my motivation. I let myself go, I got fat.
So here we go, again. My BMI is 23.00 on the dot. By next Monday, I'd like to be lower than 22.4. That's very attainable.
Then by the 1st of March, I'd like to see below 21.7
By the 8th of March, I'd like to be below 21.00
By the 15th of March, I'd like to see below 20.3
By the 22nd of March, I'd like to see 19.6
By the 29th of March, my goal is to see 18.9
I think that thinking in BMIs will be a lot better for my own personal sanity, honestly. They're just nicer numbers.
In other news, my boyfriend and I fought in the early hours of this morning, and it was terrible and it resulted in both of us crying and wishing the other would text first, and of course, both of us being way too stubborn to. At one point, he was begging me not to shut him out, and it made me think that I'm probably so burned by what happened in my past relationships that I'm not giving him a chance to make mistakes without just completely shutting down. And that's not fair. So in the long run, we're tons better now.
I hope y'all had a lovely Valentine's Day.
Love,
Lee
So....yeah. Somewhere along the way, I've lost my motivation. I let myself go, I got fat.
So here we go, again. My BMI is 23.00 on the dot. By next Monday, I'd like to be lower than 22.4. That's very attainable.
Then by the 1st of March, I'd like to see below 21.7
By the 8th of March, I'd like to be below 21.00
By the 15th of March, I'd like to see below 20.3
By the 22nd of March, I'd like to see 19.6
By the 29th of March, my goal is to see 18.9
I think that thinking in BMIs will be a lot better for my own personal sanity, honestly. They're just nicer numbers.
In other news, my boyfriend and I fought in the early hours of this morning, and it was terrible and it resulted in both of us crying and wishing the other would text first, and of course, both of us being way too stubborn to. At one point, he was begging me not to shut him out, and it made me think that I'm probably so burned by what happened in my past relationships that I'm not giving him a chance to make mistakes without just completely shutting down. And that's not fair. So in the long run, we're tons better now.
I hope y'all had a lovely Valentine's Day.
Love,
Lee
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Confessions and a Problem.
First, the confessions.
It's been over a month since I've taken my depression meds. I literally cry over everything now. Even the littlest things. Ugh.
I am not okay with my weight. Let's be honest here, I gave up on recovery awhile ago and trying to convince myself it's still worth it gets harder every day. It's exhausting to cry over food and the scale, and the exercise routines, and then pretend I'm fine with it all.
I am also not okay with the way my body is handling solid food lately. Anything that goes into my mouth past noon...just...stays in me. It's disgusting and nasty and I don't want to say the solution is to stop eating solid foods, but...you know, that's what it looks like.
I am not okay with how my mother assumes I'm sick because of all the fruit I've been eating, and then begins to monitor my fruit intake. Like...what?!
I am not okay with sitting in the shower and just feeling so fucking terrible that I end up sticking my fingers down my throat. I didn't get anything up, but the fact that food has that much control over me just...sucks. I don't want to pick that habit up.
On the bright side, I got to stay home today, and I spent all day shopping online.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd now I'm addicted.
It's a big problem.
Like...okay, here, look what I bought.
.jpg)
(the green dress)
Yeah. It's not...it's not awesome. I mean, it totally is, because I cannot wait for everything to get here, but I really should not have done this...
Let's be honest. Who wants to see a fat girl in a dress?
Ugh.
All my love.
<3 Lee
It's been over a month since I've taken my depression meds. I literally cry over everything now. Even the littlest things. Ugh.
I am not okay with my weight. Let's be honest here, I gave up on recovery awhile ago and trying to convince myself it's still worth it gets harder every day. It's exhausting to cry over food and the scale, and the exercise routines, and then pretend I'm fine with it all.
I am also not okay with the way my body is handling solid food lately. Anything that goes into my mouth past noon...just...stays in me. It's disgusting and nasty and I don't want to say the solution is to stop eating solid foods, but...you know, that's what it looks like.
I am not okay with how my mother assumes I'm sick because of all the fruit I've been eating, and then begins to monitor my fruit intake. Like...what?!
I am not okay with sitting in the shower and just feeling so fucking terrible that I end up sticking my fingers down my throat. I didn't get anything up, but the fact that food has that much control over me just...sucks. I don't want to pick that habit up.
On the bright side, I got to stay home today, and I spent all day shopping online.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd now I'm addicted.
It's a big problem.
Like...okay, here, look what I bought.
(the green dress)
Yeah. It's not...it's not awesome. I mean, it totally is, because I cannot wait for everything to get here, but I really should not have done this...
Let's be honest. Who wants to see a fat girl in a dress?
Ugh.
All my love.
<3 Lee
Sunday, February 1, 2015
I am about to embark on a journey
Yeah, the title is rather dramatic but oh well. It's accurate enough.
Since my mom recently became a new part-time worker at my town's rec center, I now I have a free pass that I intend to take full advantage of.
I used to be a competitive swimmer, and for some complicated reasons, I gave it up, but I sure do miss it every day.
So, I'm gonna get back in the swing of things, and begin to work out every day. As soon as I am done typing up this post, I'm gonna dig out every last swimming thing I own, pack a bag, put it in my car, and hopefully make it to the pool every day after school.
I'm thinking my training plan is going to be an easy mile or so to start off with, meaning:
200 warm up
100
200
300
400
500
400
300
200
100
100 sprint
200 cool down
(note: everything is in yards, because that's how my country deals with things)
This will be my first week or so, and then I'll probably add more as each week goes on. I just love the water. It's like my second home.
Maybe I'll start my couch to 5k program, but honestly, I don't know if I should.
I've also begun packing my lunch in order to help me stay away from all the fast food my friends tend to eat.
I'm kind of nervous about this new training thing I've thought up, but honestly, all I ever do is come straight home from school and sleep, so it's not like I'm cutting into my homework time.
I love y'all.
I want to thank N and Bella for their incredibly kind words on my last post.
<3 Lee
*Edit* Major fail, I forgot to mention the most important part of all this: I will not step on a scale except for once on Saturdays.
This is going to be huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge for me, considering I get on at least twice a day.
We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck?
Since my mom recently became a new part-time worker at my town's rec center, I now I have a free pass that I intend to take full advantage of.
I used to be a competitive swimmer, and for some complicated reasons, I gave it up, but I sure do miss it every day.
So, I'm gonna get back in the swing of things, and begin to work out every day. As soon as I am done typing up this post, I'm gonna dig out every last swimming thing I own, pack a bag, put it in my car, and hopefully make it to the pool every day after school.
I'm thinking my training plan is going to be an easy mile or so to start off with, meaning:
200 warm up
100
200
300
400
500
400
300
200
100
100 sprint
200 cool down
(note: everything is in yards, because that's how my country deals with things)
This will be my first week or so, and then I'll probably add more as each week goes on. I just love the water. It's like my second home.
Maybe I'll start my couch to 5k program, but honestly, I don't know if I should.
I've also begun packing my lunch in order to help me stay away from all the fast food my friends tend to eat.
I'm kind of nervous about this new training thing I've thought up, but honestly, all I ever do is come straight home from school and sleep, so it's not like I'm cutting into my homework time.
I love y'all.
I want to thank N and Bella for their incredibly kind words on my last post.
<3 Lee
*Edit* Major fail, I forgot to mention the most important part of all this: I will not step on a scale except for once on Saturdays.
This is going to be huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge for me, considering I get on at least twice a day.
We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck?
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Not a big deal...
My boyfriend called me fat today.
At first, I laughed it off. He was clearly joking. Then, he said "I'm sorry...actually I'm not. The truth is harsh." He was still joking, but as you can imagine, I did not take it that well.
I'm at a normal weight. My BMI is okay. I'm normal. So it's fine.
Except if it was really fine, I probably wouldn't have spent the next three and a half hours fighting back tears.
He apologized on the way to class. He picked me up after class and apologized again. He sent numerous texts. He came to see me at lunch to ask if I was okay. He walked me to class again and called me beautiful. He clearly demonstrated over and over again that he regretted what he had said, and that he thought I was the best thing to ever come into his life.
So I forgave him.
But you know, the brutally honest truth is that no one would ever think to call a skinny girl fat, even jokingly. And I'm not skinny. And I've been trying like hell to be okay with that. And maybe it isn't working.
I am so much more than my weight. But it doesn't seem like it most days.
I love him. I truly do. He is the greatest person in the world. He admits when he's wrong. He puts me and my best interests first. He thinks I hung the moon, and he is so quick to forgive and forget. He loves me so unselfishly and so much that sometimes I cannot believe he is actually mine.
He does not know about my food obsession. It is not something we have ever talked about. It was maybe mentioned once to him when my friend L said "could you please get her to eat? I've been trying for two years and she clearly doesn't listen to me." but I highly doubt he internalized that and then made the conclusion "maybe she has eating issues." I mean, what normal sane person would?
He was not saying those things to hurt me, and when it was clear that they did, he was upset. I have to keep reminding myself that this was a joke that was just meant to make me playfully mad. He could never have imagined that I would take it so personally.
I can tell myself all these things over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over but at the end of it, I just really want to stop eating.
<3 Lee
At first, I laughed it off. He was clearly joking. Then, he said "I'm sorry...actually I'm not. The truth is harsh." He was still joking, but as you can imagine, I did not take it that well.
I'm at a normal weight. My BMI is okay. I'm normal. So it's fine.
Except if it was really fine, I probably wouldn't have spent the next three and a half hours fighting back tears.
He apologized on the way to class. He picked me up after class and apologized again. He sent numerous texts. He came to see me at lunch to ask if I was okay. He walked me to class again and called me beautiful. He clearly demonstrated over and over again that he regretted what he had said, and that he thought I was the best thing to ever come into his life.
So I forgave him.
But you know, the brutally honest truth is that no one would ever think to call a skinny girl fat, even jokingly. And I'm not skinny. And I've been trying like hell to be okay with that. And maybe it isn't working.
I am so much more than my weight. But it doesn't seem like it most days.
I love him. I truly do. He is the greatest person in the world. He admits when he's wrong. He puts me and my best interests first. He thinks I hung the moon, and he is so quick to forgive and forget. He loves me so unselfishly and so much that sometimes I cannot believe he is actually mine.
He does not know about my food obsession. It is not something we have ever talked about. It was maybe mentioned once to him when my friend L said "could you please get her to eat? I've been trying for two years and she clearly doesn't listen to me." but I highly doubt he internalized that and then made the conclusion "maybe she has eating issues." I mean, what normal sane person would?
He was not saying those things to hurt me, and when it was clear that they did, he was upset. I have to keep reminding myself that this was a joke that was just meant to make me playfully mad. He could never have imagined that I would take it so personally.
I can tell myself all these things over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over but at the end of it, I just really want to stop eating.
<3 Lee
Friday, January 23, 2015
30 days
I don't really have a lot to say, weight wise, so I thought maybe I'd start this 30 letters in 30 days thing that I saw and keep it up until I got bored with it.
Day 1: Your best friend.
Day 2: Someone you secretly think is cute.
Day 3: Your parents.
Day 4: A sibling. (Or relative if you’re an only child.)
Day 5: Your dreams.
Day 6: A stranger.
Day 7: Your ex.
Day 8: Your favorite internet friend.
Day 9: Someone you wish you could meet.
Day 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to.
Day 11: Someone who died.
Day 12: The person who has caused you the most pain in your
life.
Day 13: Someone you wish would forgive you.
Day 14: Someone you have drifted away from.
Day 15: The person you miss the most.
Day 16: Someone that doesn’t live in your state/country.
Day 17: Someone from your childhood.
Day 18: The person that you wish you could be.
Day 19: Someone that pesters your mind (good or bad.)
Day 20: The person that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21: Someone you judged by first impression.
Day 22: Someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23: Someone who makes you laugh really hard.
Day 24: The person that gave you your favorite memory.
Day 25: A person you know is going through hard times.
Day 26: The last person you made a pinky promise to.
Day 27: The friendliest person you only knew for a day.
Day 28: Someone that changed your life.
Day 29: The person that you want to tell everything to.
Day 30: Your reflection in the mirror.
Dear best friend,
I don't know what happened to us. I look at you, sitting beside me in Psych class, or across the lunch table and I barely recognize you. I used to tell you everything that was going on in my life, and now we're basically strangers. I get that we don't really have a lot of time to hang out anymore, and we don't walk home together, and you're in trouble academically so you spend your off period trying to graduate, but sometimes I wish that you'd make an effort. When we talk, it's strained and it's like we barely know each other, when it's been six years. You've been right by my side for so much of my ups and downs and now I don't know what to do. I want so badly to tell you about my relationship and my goals and my life in general, but I can't. I love you so completely, and I'm always going to be here for you, I just don't really know how to fix us, or even if we can be fixed. I guess growing apart is the worst way to end a friendship, because it's not like we're arguing and can talk it out. It's just something that's happening to us that is neither one of our faults. I miss you, though. I know you're going to be so successful and you'll have a wonderful life with a partner and that little Asian baby you want so badly. I wish you all the best, and hopefully we cross paths again in the future.
I love you,
Lee
Fuck. Maybe this isn't a great idea.
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