Blueberry and Orange Tea

"We make it meaningful by caring about it." -John Green

So I think I mentioned in one of the last posts that I had met the love of my life. He broke up with me. It was ugly and terrible and I miss him so fucking much. I have a new boyfriend and he's super sweet and he worships me and he's my best friend and he's been in love with me for almost the past year. I just can't help but still love my ex. He was my everything. I've been dreaming about him lately. I hate that we'll probably never see each other again. I really thought we would end up together. That's probably pretty stupid, because we're so young. But I honestly felt it in my soul that he was The One. I hate him for leaving and I hate myself even more for not being able to hate him and for pushing him away. Everything just really freaking sucks.

Anyway, I'm slllllllloooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwlllllllllllyyyyyyyyy losing. I'm 141 on the dot this morning. My boyfriend and I fight about how much I eat, and how I perceive myself and all that crap. It sucks. It sucks even more that I can't sort out my feelings about anything. I'm hiding from life, and I hate that because I swore to myself that I would be different, that I would take every chance life gave me.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

I love you all.
Thank you to Cursum Perficio, Sam Lupin, and Mandy Devoidde for your comments on my last post.  I really appreciate them.

<3 Lee

She's always screaming when she's calling her friends

My girlfriend's bitchin' cause I always sleep in
She's always screaming when she's calling her friends
She's kinda hot though
Yeah she's kinda hot though
(Just an itty bitty little bit hot)

My shrink is telling me I've got crazy dreams
She's also saying I've got low self-esteem
She's kinda hot though
Yeah she's kinda hot though
(Just an itty bitty little bit hot)

She put me on meds
She won't get out of my head
She's kinda hot though

 -5 Seconds of Summer

It's been awhile, as usual. I'm at an all time high weight, but at least I'm doing something about it. I bought a vial of hCG 1234 drops, and so far I guess they're working okay. I'm losing weight, though not as much as I hope to. 

College starts in a month and I'm so scared, but I'm also soo excited. This is a chance to reinvent myself as someone who is down for anything and who has their life together. I want to join a sorority, and in order to be pretty enough to be accepted, I'm going to have to be at least as skinny as I was when I started high school, which was a solid 22 pounds thinner than I am now. And to think, I used to think I was a monstrosity when I was 120. Ugh. How did I let myself go this much?

Anyway, I pretty much already like my classes, without even taking a day of them. I'm taking two English classes (my major), a Philosophy class (I'm so excited for this one!), a Psychology class, and a Sociology class. 

I also like my roommate, she seems pretty nice, so that's good. 

I've had 650 calories today. 142.0 at 8:00pm. Let's hope for a smaller number tomorrow.

<3 Lee

 

That's not how our song goes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mImrPBvDoFI


This is such a throw back song, but my friend D reminded me of it and I'm obsessed with it all over again (:

In recent news, I went to the doctors to get my foot checked out because it's been really bothering me, and my weight was horrendous. And I know I was wearing all my clothes and my shoes but I was still on the verge of tears the entire time. It didn't really help that the woman who took my weight wrote it as big as she possibly could on the page for everyone to see. This is as heavy as I've ever been and I don't know how to get back in control here.

I guess I'll figure it out??

I don't know.

In other news, my best friend is here from college and I'm so happy to have him home. He is staying at my house, so my mom cleaned the entire place and hung up signs saying "Welcome Home C!" I swear, he's her favorite kid lol. He hung out with my boyfriend and really seemed to like him, so that's good. He came home so he could go with me to one of our friend's surprise birthday party and it was so much fun to just be surrounded by my best friends and see her so happy. We went bowling and then back to the birthday girl's house to roast marshmallows in her backyard around her fire. It was amazing. I didn't want it to ever end, because for a night I didn't have to hate myself...

Anyways, I hope you guys are taking care of yourselves.
<3 Lee

I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

I feel like Daisy from the Great Gatsby. I don't know how many of you have read that book/seen the movie, but there is this scene where Gatsby is throwing clothes over the railing onto Daisy, and she starts crying because she is overwhelmed by the beauty of them/is a shallow bitch. I've had a pretty bad shopping addiction lately. Online shopping, in store shopping, even dreaming about shopping. It is honestly getting severely out of hand. But if I can't be pretty, at least I should have pretty things, right? Anyway, I feel like Daisy because I was gathering up all of the things I have bought in the last week and a half (including pictures of the things yet to come) and I was almost moved to tears about how wonderful everything was. It was ridiculous.

I really don't know how I'm going to make it as a starving, poor, college student. I love nice things too much.

In college news, I am stepping WAY outside of my comfort zone and attending an overnight stay at my future college (where I do not know anyone), complete with a skinny body (fingers crossed), a magnetic personality (HAHA), and hopefully the ability to make it through the day without crying (HAHAHAHAHA). As you can see, I'm soooooo looking forward to this. But in all seriousness, I think it might be good for me, and who knows, I might have the time of my life. And if it does indeed all go south, my best friend is a 15 minute drive away. Blegh.

In high school news, my wonderful, loving, maternal Psych teacher has decided she hates us and has given us FIVE huge assignments due in a month. Not just any month though, oh no, the month before we graduate. I've had Senioritis since I was a Freshman, I can already tell that this will not be going well.

In other news, I am going to actually start making use of my gym membership and attend a cycling and yoga class every night except Friday and Sunday. (I don't get out of school early enough for the Friday classes, and they are closed on Sundays.)

And finally, in relationship news, I have found my soulmate. 

Yeah. 

It's kind of hard to care about anything besides him, but you know, I'm trying. Especially after I met his mother, who by the way has 6 kids and is probably 100 pounds soaking wet. Like...how???

Anyway, I hope you girls are well, and I hope you're taking care of yourselves. I'll get caught up on blogs soon!
Love,
Lee

You got that James Dean day dream look in your eye

And I got that red lip classic thing that you like
And when we go crashing down we come back every time
Cause we never go out of style
We never go out of style

Kayla Itsines' program is honestly working pretty well. I took my measurements before I started and then again exactly one week in, and so far I've lost about 1/2 an inch everywhere except for my love handles, but hey, whatever. A half inch maybe isn't a lot to most of you, but honestly any sign that this is working for me gives me hope that I can complete the grueling exercises and terrifying eating plan. The only bad thing is that I lost 3/4 of an inch from my bust. Which, I mean, it's not like my boyfriend is a boob man anyway, but still. Why does it always have to be the boobs that go first? I think if I had one wish it would be to be able to pick where the weight comes off of. Oh well. Que sera sera, right?

Any who, I'm really looking forward to my measurements next week. I can barely walk because my thighs hurt so bad so hopefully there will be some muscle development there.

I honestly want to thank everyone for their wonderful comments on my last post. You girls honestly and completely make  my day so much better.

I hope everyone is taking care of themselves and that you're happy, whatever that looks like to you.

Love,
Lee

I'm so heartless, thoughtless, lawless and flawless, smallest regardless, largest in charge

Yeah, my title is from a Nicki Minaj song. Sue me.

So a few months ago I was emailed a complete Kayla Itsines guide by the wonderful Miss Piggy over at zerointentions, but I never got around to it. I think I glanced at it once or twice, and then tossed the idea in favor of starving and restricting. It seemed easier at the time. Fast forward to a few days ago, when I was looking through my Instagram and stumbled across Kayla Itsines account. It was full of pictures of gorgeous women and thousands of testimonials and I found myself wishing I was just like them. And then it hit me, that I had her guide. I could be like the girls on the account. I have access to the meal plans, the exercise plans, the motivation...everything. And not only that, but as I was scrolling through Kayla's Instagram, my friend peeked over my shoulder and mentioned that she, too, had the program. One thing led to another and I now have a solid work out plan and a workout buddy to do this with me.

Can you say score?

Listen. I'm so fucking sick of everything. I've hated my body since I was eleven. This entire blog is basically me bitching about it and then sitting on my ass and then wondering why I'm still so fat. Starving and restricting don't work for me. It's pretty clear that the more I deny myself food, the bigger the impending screw up is. And yet, for some reason, I keep going back to it all because I lose a few pounds within the first few days. I've tried Recovery, and I can't seem to ever stick with it. Why? Because I want the weight loss, not the ability to say I overcame something that it never looked like I had in the first place. I understand EDs are within a person's mind and go so much deeper than what people can see on the surface of our bodies, and yet, somehow, that applies to everyone else, not me. I can look at any one of the people I follow on here and my heart hurts for them because they are struggling, even if their bodies don't show it. But when it comes to myself? No. I cannot be sick unless I am underweight.

Ay yi yi.

This way of thinking is so incredibly tiring and I know the wonderful people who follow me are sick of my wavering, because I'm sick of it too.

Eve got me to thinking about the way my mind works and the way I've been approaching "healthy" and here's what figured out:

I don't think I want to lose weight. (Sidenote: of course I want to lose weight, that's been the driving force of my entire life for seven or more years. But it's not the most important thing.)
What I really want is to not jiggle. To not have to suck in every second of every day. To not have to hide my arm fat, or my thighs or anything else in super baggy clothes. I want to wear cute things. I want to be...dare I say it?  Fit.

And here's my confession. I worked out last night, as per Kayla's plan. And I took my measurements, my pictures and my weight. And when I woke up today, I snuck onto the scale, and saw that I had lost two pounds. But instead of being upset that I hadn't lost more, or immediately calculating how much I could lose, or setting goals for myself, I took a deep breath and I told myself I was excited that I was taking this first step towards being truly and honestly happy with my body.

Let's see how long this good mood lasts, okay?

I hope y'all are doing well.

<3 Lee

Man, we never had a chance

Okay, so here's the deal. I'm heavy. Like. Almost heavier than my highest weight ever. And when I started this blog, 120 was like, the end-all-be-all breaking point of my sanity. The moment I hit it, I would freak out and restrict and exercise and it was crazy. Now, I'm about fourteen pounds higher than that. Yeah. WTF.

So....yeah. Somewhere along the way, I've lost my motivation. I let myself go, I got fat.

So here we go, again. My BMI is 23.00 on the dot. By next Monday, I'd like to be lower than 22.4. That's very attainable.

Then by the 1st of March, I'd like to see below 21.7
By the 8th of March, I'd like to be below 21.00
By the 15th of March, I'd like to see below 20.3
By the 22nd of March, I'd like to see 19.6
By the 29th of March, my goal is to see 18.9

I think that thinking in BMIs will be a lot better for my own personal sanity, honestly. They're just nicer numbers.

In other news, my boyfriend and I fought in the early hours of this morning, and it was terrible and it resulted in both of us crying and wishing the other would text first, and of course, both of us being way too stubborn to. At one point, he was begging me not to shut him out, and it made me think that I'm probably so burned by what happened in my past relationships that I'm not giving him a chance to make mistakes without just completely shutting down. And that's not fair. So in the long run, we're tons better now.

I hope y'all had a lovely Valentine's Day.

Love,
Lee